It only takes one egg

Happy 2nd Birthday B and 3 months update

2009-01-05T22:22:00.006-05:00

Sorry it's been so long--I don't even know if anyone out there is still reading this blog. But Happy New Year to all and I hope everyone had a good holiday season.

Happy Birthday B!!! B turned 2 this past Saturday-Jan. 3!!!! I can't believe that this little 5 lbs 15 oz baby 2 years ago is now 2 and is talking and ruling our house! He now weighs 27.1 lbs and 34 3/4 inches! That little peanut is now a big boy!! It is amazing how much he has grown and we are enjoying reliving childhood all over again with him. He learned how to say Merry Christmas by saying "merry crissy!" or "sassa" for santa or "happy new ear" for Happy New year! He is talking 2 word sentences now, which is just amazing. It was hard to imagine this when just last year at this time he can't even say "mama". He is obsessed about writing and pens. He loves to color/scribble and this will keep him entertained for at least an hour. Another obsession is the vacuum cleaner. Due to this obsession, my parents gave him a vacuum cleaner for Christmas and it was a hit!! He plays with that thing for hours!!! And when we take out the real vacuum he loves to mimic us! Oh and the mimicking!! We really need to watch what we say around him now since he loves to repeat what we say. It is hilarious and scary at the same time. The last couple of weeks he started talking about his teachers and school so I think he is getting the "school thing" and he is enjoying it a lot! He remembers all his classmates and what they did in school that day--it is really amazing to watch him go thru all this transition. He is also in the world of the terrible 2's..but that requires an entire post to itself...plus it is his b-day so I we will give him a pass this time and not talk about this at all.

O is doing great! At his 10 week appointment he weighed 12 lbs and 22 1/2 inches long! He is starting to coo and he laughs a lot. He is a very laid back-sometimes I feel guilty because he can sit on the bouncy for hours and not complain. He enjoys it when someone talks to him..I think he wouldn't mind if someone talks to him all day! He gets this from S's mom which is cute for now, but I don't think it will be very cute down the road!! He hates tummy time...oh does he hate it! We try it everyday and if we are lucky if we can get him to do it for about 2 minutes. His head is getting somewhat flat in the back, which concerns me a lot. I've talked to our doctor about it and she said it is okay and normal. It is not severe where he will need a helmet, it will eventually correct itself once he starts getting more mobile. I hope this is true and we are trying to get him off his back more, but it is hard at this age since they sleep so much! ARGH!! He is such a sweet little boy and everyday I can't believe we got lucky 2x-we are very thankful for all of our blessings. I am still pumping and feeding. When I started this ritual again, I told myself I will take it one day at a time--and I was hoping I can last until he was 6 weeks old--I am surprise I am still doing it and he is already 15 weeks old! I don't know how much longer I will do this and I feel good the way things worked out.

I need to write about trying to find a job or the lack of job out there. It is very frustrating and scary--but that is for another post.

Sorry for being gone so long again..but I will really try harder this year!

Finally a post

2008-11-07T15:44:00.005-05:00

Sorry it took me so long to get back to posting. To say that it's been a little hectic around here is an understatement. O turned 6 weeks old last Tuesday and so far we are all doing well. A little tired and sleep deprived, but well otherwise. Life with a toddler and a newborn is hard, but hard in a different way compared to just having a newborn. With B, I was so paranoid and not having any idea what to do with a baby made it such a challenge. Now with O, you know what to expect so a newborn is not as overwhelming. But the challenge is trying to juggle a toddler and a newborn. You forget how often a newborn eats and asking your toddler to wait 45 minutes or so is almost impossible. 45 minutes for them is like an eternity. Having both children cry is something that you have to just accept and get used to. To date I still get frazzled but I keep telling myself that I can't be at the same place at the same time--and I have to admit that it is very hard for me to pick one child over the other--trying to figure out who needs me more. I feel like my days are comprised of feeding. I realized after first few days that I have to schedule O's feeding around B's schedule. Since I really can't feed both kids at the same time(more on the feeding later). Overall, B's been really good with O. He loves him to pieces..he loves to kiss him and constantly calls him his baby. It is super cute.

Now on feeding...I have low supply. Not that this is a surprise, it was the same story with B-even with this knowledge, I still had a hard time accepting it. I refused to pump the first couple of weeks--I think it is because I spent so much time with the darn pump with B. But when it was evident that my supply was really low-not enough to feed O the entire day-I realized that I need to pump or abandoned the entire idea of breast feeding. At the end of the day, the pump won. As much as I couldn't even look at that pump and was so angry for a long time, I took it out and started using it again. I pump 8 times a day..I know I like to torture myself. I still have to supplement with formula. O gets 21 oz of breast milk a day and 8 oz of formula. This is so much better from when we started. With B I was able to give him all bm after 10 weeks I think so I know I will get to that point with O where we don't have to supplement with formula--but I am not sure if I will still be doing this in 10 weeks. Our nanny is still here so this helps a lot. I can pump while she feeds O and the feeding regiment is not such a long ordeal for B. I don't think I can do this without her--it will just be impossible to pump and feed while trying to take care of B at the same time. I am taking it a week at a time and every succesful week of pumping is a victory. I know deep in my heart that I tried my best for my children, not just O, but for both of them, and this is something I can happily lived with.

B is doing well. He is getting his molars right now and it is just a b***h!! He is so congested and today he had a slight fever. He is not sleeping thru the night. Which is very painful--I've been functioning on about 2 hours of sleep the last couple of nights. I finally gave him motrin last night and that worked wonders! He slept until 6 am this morning!!! He continues to amazes us everyday!! His vocabulary is exploding..he just turned 22 months! He is learning so many new words every day. I look at him and I can't believe how grown up he is. It is hard to imagine that at one point he was as small as O. Everyday it seems like he is taller and bigger. I know that in a few months I will be having conversations with him and this just blows my mind away.

This is all for now. I promise not to let another 6 weeks go by without posting--besides I have way too much stuff to write about!

He's Here

2008-10-02T21:42:00.005-04:00

Sorry I took me so long to post this...I've been kind of busy.

Just want to let everyone know that Baby Boy #2 arrived last Tuesday. He was born at 6:26 pm weighing at 5 lbs 13 oz and is 19 inches long. Labor was very quick. I will post the story when I have more time. For now, we are all doing well. B loves his baby brother and walks around the house saying "baby, baby, baby". I hope this continues, but I am afraid the nostalgia will wear off in the next couple of weeks. Breast feeding is a struggle--again another post I need to write about.

For now, here's a picture for you guys. Thanks for all the well wishes.

Full Term??

2008-09-22T15:04:00.002-04:00

According to a website that calculates IVF due dates(which is based on retrieval date), I should be full term today, but according to my doctor's calculation Wednesday is the magic number. So who knows? As you can see in my ticker, I should be full term tomorrow--I picked that date since it is right in the middle of the 2 due dates. The one thing that is for sure is that I have been pregnant longer with this baby compared to my pregnancy with B (I gave birth at 35w6d).

So far everything is going well. I saw the doctor last Thursday and so far nothing is going on down there. Cervix is long and close and not dilated at all. My doctor sent me to the hospital to get a stress test-she was not satisfied with the baby's movement in the u/s, plus I mentioned that the baby is not as active as it used to be-everything is okay. Plus I found out that since I had a pre-term labor before, my muscles didn't really stretch that much, hence I won't feel as much movement with this baby. Huh...who would have thought?? So I go back this Friday I guess at this point we will just take it on a day by day basis. It is kind of weird being in this situation-since B came so early, everything just went in a flash when the birth happened. To say that we were a little unprepared back then is an understatement. Now here we are just sitting and waiting--it is a very weird feeling.

B on the other hand have been really clingy the last week or so. I heard an old wife's tale that if your child is very clingy that labor is just around the corner--who know if this is really true! He just wants mommy all the time. He cries for me at bedtime-which never happened before and won't let S do anything for him. It's very sweet, but when you are as big as a house a little break would be nice. I am starting to get worried about how he will react with a new baby in the house. We've tried to prepare him about the baby--but let's be realistic, how can you really prepare a 20 month old? They understand what a baby is, but nothing really beyond that.

This is it for now...sorry for the boring post, but I will keep you guys posted.

Is there such a thing as equal parenting?

2008-09-11T09:42:00.003-04:00

This is a post long overdue. I've been meaning to write about this for a long time, but I just don't have the energy to do it. Mainly because I don't want to seem like I am complaining or whining, especially after what we went through to have children. But as the due date of baby boy #2 approaches, I see myself getting scared and worried about this situation.

You see, S is a workaholic. Which means that for most of the week, B doesn't see S. S leaves before he gets up in the morning and is well in bed by the time he gets home. The funny thing is that I was always drawn to someone who had a lot of drive and ambition. Maybe it is because I was so driven back then too, therefore I seek out people like me. When we were dating, S would always work late-in the beginning of our relationship we worked at the same firm and I used to make fun of him for turning off the lights. After 5 months of dating, he moved to NYC and his hours just got worst. And it hasn't really changed since then. When we got married, it started to bother me a little bit-there were times that he would get home at 1 am and get up at 5 am and go back to the grind. Yes I know that this is the extreme-and he was working on a major project during this time. We talked about it back then and I reminded him that things needs to change once we have children, and of course his response was that he is working this hard now so that he will have the freedom and flexibility when the time comes-i.e children.

Now that we have B things are somewhat different, but not by much. He still works a lot-he is in an industry where putting in 70-80 hours a week is not unheard of--some junior people are expected to put in 100 hours a week if you can believe that!! B is at that age where he looks for daddy and realizes when he doesn't see him the entire day. He starts to whine for daddy towards the end of the day. And I know that S feels bad about it, but he keeps telling me that he is trying to do his best and it is just the nature of the industry. And since I am no longer working, I know that he feels that pressure of doing better at work-we don't have that security anymore of the double income.

A lot of times I feel like I am a single mom-especially on weekdays. It is not so bad with 1 child-unless of course you are 8 months pregnant, but I know this is temporary. But I am really scared of what it would be like when I have to juggle a newborn and a toddler. Who do you tend to first? What do you do with one child when you are bathing the other or when you are putting one to bed? How about meal times? Since they are different ages at this time they are both going to have different routines. I remember the first few weeks with B when I was so darn tired and could barely keep my eyes open and all I had to worry about was him-but now I have a toddler who is full of energy. I know that it's been done before and I know a lot of women who does it on a daily basis--come to think of it my situation is probably better since S doesn't travel that much. I have a friend whose DH is a consul ant and is on the road Monday thru Thursday--talk about big time crapiness.

When I was single, I always thought that once I got married I will find a partner in life who will share parenting with me 50/50. I figured my future husband will be this person who will be as invested in parenting as I was--who will truly take on 50% of the responsibility. I figured we would share all responsibility-but that would not be the case. Even when I was working, I still took on most of the parenting. When B was in daycare, I did the drop off and the pick up all the time. I had to re-arrange my schedule every time he was sick and had to stay home. Due to S's schedule it just wasn't possible for him to share these responsibilities. I came to realize that I had a good paying job, but at the end of the day and one of us has to quit our jobs to take care of the children, it will be me who will have to quit since I don't make nearly as much as S and I can probably find a new job quicker than him-sad but true. When I was still working and B was in daycare, weekdays were super crazy. I had to run out of the office to pick him up. Prepare his dinner, feed him, bath him and put him to bed. I felt like I was chicken without a head running around for a couple of hours.

So here I am awaiting baby #2. Scared of what lies ahead and how to do it all. I can't even imagine what life will be like if and when I decide to go back to work. As I said, I know a lot of wonderful mothers who do it, I guess I just need to dive into and figure it out. I have 2 choices, sink or swim and I am determined to swim.

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I am currently 35w2d. B was born when I was 35w6d. If history repeats itself, I could possibly have this baby 4 days. I am hoping this is not the case--I am hoping and praying that this baby stays in a little longer. Cross your fingers.

Random Stuff

2008-09-02T09:58:00.002-04:00

Not much going on around here...still P-34 weeks and counting. I've been feeling very tired lately, but I guess that comes with the territory. Sleeping is a little bit of a challenge. I really can't find a comfortable position and I go to the bathroom like every 45 minutes! Not fun at all. This past weekend, 2 people looked at me and said I was ready to pop. Gee thanks, guys. I thought I was looking pretty good--as of last check up my weight gain is on the low side-12 pounds. But I guess my stomach is just huge-one of those in your face type thing. I feel much bigger than when I was P with B, but I think a part of this is that I just really can't remember how huge I was back then.
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B's been having problems with pooping lately. He is chronically constipated. Yes, fun stuff. A few weeks ago I called the doctor b/c I just felt so bad for him. When he is trying to poop, and it is right there just trying to come up, he cries and cries b/c he can't push it out. Sorry for TMI. And he refuses to walk or do anything--all he wants is for Mama to hold him. Sometimes he can manage to push it out on his own-but this is after lots of crying and grunting and pushing. But we've had times where I had to put a suppository up there. I feel so bad every time I do it-but it works. After a few minutes he manages to get a bowel movement. I feel so bad for the little guy. I've tried everything, we've been loading him up with fiber and it works for a few days then then eventually he is back to being constipated. He hardly drinks milk as it is-he really doesn't like it-we are lucky if he will drink 10 oz a day! I talked to my doctor about this, since the minimum they want to see is 15 oz-but since he is always constipated, she said that if he gets 12 oz a day it should be sufficient. We don't even get to 12 oz, but I try not to worry about it since I know milk doesn't help his situation. I just hope he outgrows this.
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B turns 20 months tomorrow. I can't believe it! He is so much more vocal now-although half the time we have no idea what he is saying. He tries to imitate every thing you say--he has a few words like baby, car, park, sit teeth etc-but most of the time he can only say 1 syllable. He will say "sh for shoes or ma for monkey". It is very cute. At the same time we are entering the world of terrible twos! The little guy thinks that he rules the world and if he doesn't get his way we get lots and lots of crying and whining. We have some really bad days sometimes, where we just fight with him all day long. S's wants to push his bedtime to 8 pm vs. 7:30 pm so that he can get more time to play with him after work, but 2 weeks ago, after spending the entire day with B- S looked at me and said "sorry for suggesting a later bedtime, now I realize it's not if he can stay up that late, but it's more for you-after a full day of this I can see why that half hour is critical to keep your sanity!" Amen!
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I don't think I've ever mentioned our landlord on this blog-she is this really sweet 80 year old lady. Sometimes when I call her I am not sure if she is all together there or if she remembers our conversation. I called her last week about an issue with our bathroom. We started talking and she asked me how I was feeling. I said I was okay. She said she was hoping that I was having a girl and I told her we were having a boy--her response was "oh don't worry dear, they can change their mind later!!" I was cracking up! The funny thing was that she said this 2x without even blinking. I told S and we just both started laughing-at least she is very open minded!!
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I guess this is all for now. I am getting a massage tomorrow-which I am excited about. I still have to purchase a stroller--boo hoo. I am so torn about which one to buy and it's not like they will come out with the perfect double stroller in the next month or so! I should just go ahead and bite the bullet. If this baby decides to pull a B, we might be going into labor in less than 2 weeks!! I am hoping and praying that this is not the case. I have an appointment on Thursday and I am hopeful that the cervix is still nice and long! Cross your fingers!

Sorry for the long silence...

2008-08-16T22:50:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am still alive...sorry for the lack of updates. I really don't have any excuse..I read blogs everyday(at least I try to) and comment but I find it hard to update my blog. I think because I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over again-P is going well, B is thriving blah blah blah...I guess sometimes I feel like I am starting to sound like a broken record. So please be patient. I do have a lot of other things that I want to talk about like how everyday I am think about how and when I will go back to the working world. Thinking about it makes me hyperventilate-I guess I am more stress about it than I want to admit.

Here are a few updates-last Thursday night we had a little scare..when I went to the bathroom I looked at the TP and found a little bit of red blood! I tried to convince myself that since it was so small there is nothing to worry about, but it was hard to believe that since I never had any bleeding with B. I decided to sit it out and see what will happen the rest of the night and luckily that was the only incident. I was still concerned about it so I called my doctor the next day and they wanted me to come in. I was worried about seeing my doctor b/c she keeps mentioning bed rest and I am just not ready to do this. Of course if I have to do it, I will do it--S and I will just have to figure out how to do it with a 19 month old and S working full time. We still have our nanny-which is probably one of the best decisions we've made-we will need to work around S's work schedule somehow--ie my DH is a workaholic and is out of the house an average of 14-15 hrs a day! Yes, I feel like a single mom--which is another post that I've been meaning to write about.

To make a long story short, I went to see the doctor and everything seems to be okay. I guess I have a mild case of yea.st infection-which she said is not common not to know when you are P-and she thinks this caused the bleeding. I didn't know this was possible. She checked my cervix and it is nice and long-she is concerned about this due to the preterm labor with B. They are starting to check my cervix at every visit..oh fun stuff. So no bed rest-woo hoo-but I do have to go back next week for another check up--I'll take that.

Other things that are keeping me occupied the last couple of weeks-I can't believe my ticker says that I only have 59 days to go!! Holy cow!!!

Double Strollers-who would have thought this would consume so much of my time. I know what I want-side by side, something that takes a car seat, easy to maneuver with 2 children of different weights and compact. Sounds simple..yeah right!! First of all most double strollers weighs about 30 pds before any children!!! I learned from all this research that there is no such things as a perfect double stroller. S is tired of listening to me doing my pros and cons, I really can't blame him. I still haven't bought one or decided on which one to buy. I guess I just hate making a decision and fear that I will regret it later-especially since the ones I am considering are all on the more expensive side.

Chest-this is the one thing that I actually purchased. Now I need to go thru all of B's baby clothes and sort them out. The baby room is half cleaned out-it looks like a tornado hit it. It is an understatement for me to say that we have some work to do it that room.

Bottles-I am going to try to BF. As most of you know, I had a really hard time with BFing with B-a big part of this was his premature birth and he was given a bottle as soon as he was born. He didn't know how to suck and while we were at the hospital we had to feed him with a syringe a few times. This really set us back with BF and by the time he mastered sucking he was so used to the bottle that we just couldn't go back. My solution was to exclusively pump and feed for 6 months! It was the hardest thing I've ever done and to this day I can't believe I lasted that long. I will try to BF this time and I am hoping that it will go much better. I don't think I can do the pump and feed for 6 months! I told Electriclady to smack me if I get delusional and try this stint again. Even if I BF, I will still need bottles just for me to get a break once in a while. Yes, I will pump but I am hoping not at the same capacity. Due to all the BPA controversy, I decided to get new bottles. I know what to buy, I just need to get my act together and actually buy them.
Crib-this is still a big debate in our household. I go back and forth about buying one or transitioning B to a big boy bed. For now we decided to wait until December. The new baby will be in our room for about 3 months and at that point we will decide if B is ready or not. I just don't want to force him out of the crib since he is such a good sleeper. The last thing I need is a newborn and a toddler who refuses to sleep!

These are the major stuff--there are other stuff like diapers and unpacking all of B's baby stuff(bassinet, car seat, etc), but as I said earlier, according to my ticker I still have 59 days to go...not the time to panic yet. Unless of course the baby decides to pull a B-come a month early!! Keep your fingers cross ladies!

Off topic-Need some advice

2008-07-27T20:30:00.002-04:00

This is completely off topic, but I don't know who to talk to about this so I am turning to all my blog friends. Last October, S and I attended a wedding. It was a very lovely wedding and we had a great time. The bride and groom are both very successful and already have most of the stuff they need for their home-so in lieu of gifts they suggested charitable donations to their favorite organizations. We are the type of couple who always go to their registry to purchase gifts-this way we know that they are getting something that they really want. Therefore, when we got this note, S and I decided to donate to the 3 organizations they selected. For 2 of the 3 groups, we were asked if we were giving this as a gift so we were able to provide their names. For one of the organization, we were not asked(I did it on line so there was no spot to even mention that this was for a wedding registry). We got confirmation that all 3 organizations received our donation. Here is where I need help-we never received a thank you note from the couple. Now this is the first time I ever made a donation as a gift-do any of you know if they just forgo all thank you notes? I guess I just want to make sure that bride and groom is aware that we made those donations on their behalf-and I don't want them to think that we totally blew off their wedding present. Should we say something? And what should we say? How do we even bring up this topic? Or should I just let it go and assume that they know? I guess I just don't want to be labeled as that couple who went to our wedding and never gave us a gift.

PS. I know that they technically have a year to send out thank you notes...but they just had twins and I sent the twins baby gifts and we already received a thank you note for that--so this shows that they don't' blow off thank you notes--at least that's how I interpret it.

Airports and Airlplanes

2008-07-23T11:13:00.002-04:00

Since we found out that #2 was arriving early this year, we decided that we should take a few trips before the big arrival--because who knows when we will be able to travel again. My guess is not at all.

The vacations were all good. We travelled to Can.cun, Chi.ca.go and Atl.anta in the last 7 weeks. This means that we got on a plane 6 times with a toddler. Fun stuff. The trip on the way to can.cun was a little painful. They let us bored the plane and realized that we had a flight tire so they had to fix that which meant we had to sit inside the plane for an hour doing nothing!! Not so bad if you don't have a toddler. B was doing well, until the end of that hour...he just wanted out of his car seat!! Screaming and crying ensued and the guy across from us kept giving us the evil eye. Sorry buddy--I don't like it as much as you do. Once we were on the air, it took B a few minutes to settle down and he was able to sleep for about 1 1/2. Coming home was a different story. They recommend that you arrived at the airport 3 hours in advance in Can.cun--so like good citizens we followed this rule--only to find out that our flight was 2 hours delayed! Great. But not the end of the world--it is better to get stuck inside the airport than a plane with a toddler. We finally left Can.cun 4 hours after our original departure--once we were in the air B was asleep(thanks to a lot of walking and exploring around the airport). Unfortunately we were towards the back of the plane and there were a lot of commotion from the flight attendants, plus they were serving beverage. To make a long story short, all that noise woke B up after an hour. He was okay for a little bit, but once we reach Virginia we were informed that were thunderstorms and we have no clearance to fly to J.F.K at this point so we need to do circles around the area...for an hour!!! At this point it was already 10 pm way pass B's bedtime so to say he was hysterical doesn't even do it justice. We finally landed, after getting our bags and getting thru customs we finally made it home at 1:30 AM!!!!

A month after that trip, we braved it again and got on another plane to Chi.ca.go. Again, on the way there everything was perfect. B was happy and even flirting with all the women. Coming home was another story. We were once again delayed in Chi.ca.go. After 3 hours, our flight was cancelled. This was problematic since we were flying to a much smaller airport closer to our house, which means that we don't have a lot of options in terms of flights. To make a long story short, we had to fly into a different airport, call a car service to pick us up and drive us to the original airport to pick up our car. Our original flight was supposed to leave at 1:25. we left Chi.cago at 8 pm and arrived home at 12:30 AM!!! B was hysterical the first 30 minutes of the flight b/c he was so tired and he couldn't find a comfortable spot to sleep. The poor lady in front of us tried to offer some help-maybe because she can't stand listening to a screaming baby--but there really was nothing she can do.

A week after this, we once again got on a plane to go to Atl.anta. The flight both inbound and outbound was good--although we almost didn't get on the flight home since S didn't get a seat assignment and the flight was overbooked. I was dreading the flight due to our past history but no delays this time. But of course everything can't be perfect. When we got to the airport our main bag was no where to be found. We had to file a claim for it and it was finally delivered 24 hours later.

As you can see, I am not very eager to get on another plane or spend a single minute at an airport for a very long time. Today marks 28 weeks-so even if I wanted to fly I can't. Let's just say I am not disappointed about this at all--it is nice to be home. And I learned that yes, I have to respect all the other passangers and try to make their experience as pleasant as possible. But if you have a screaming child that you can't console-you heart just breaks and all you want to do is make you child feel better-no matter how many evil stares and looks you get. At the end of the day, my child's well being is the most important thing and he doesn't understand what is going on while a 40 year old man/woman should. You want to believe that they would be more understanding, but unfortunately that is not to be.

18 Months!!

2008-07-11T13:43:00.003-04:00

I can't believe B turned 18 months last week! We are definitely entering the terrible two stage. There's been so much changes with B in the last few months that it is so amazing to watch. The 18 month check up went really well-he now weighs 24 pds 15 oz and is 33 1/2 long! Everything is on track developmentally! Woo-hoo!

First of all his language/vocabulary is changing everyday. He is finally saying Mama and knows what it means! The other day I was playing with him and pretended I was sleeping. He came over to me and handed me a book to read--and I kept on "sleeping"..he did his normal practice of getting my attention by shaking my leg/arm and saying "eh". After a couple of seconds and I wasn't responding he shook me again and said "Mama" and that just melted my heart. He can say a few words like, bo for book, ba for ball, ca for car, bah bah bor bye bye, baby, dada, mama. He points to my belly and keeps saying baby which I thought was really cute, until lately he points to everyones belly and says baby. I think he thinks that baby means belly--hmn..hopefully we won't offend anyone until he figures out the difference.

He is getting really good with sign language. He mastered "more" in one day! Which is good and bad. At least now he can tell us if he wants more food or if he wants to ride his toy car a little longer. Sometimes he will give us the sign "more" and "finish" at the same time-which makes things very confusing. I started teaching him some sign language just a few weeks ago and I am very pleased with the outcome so far.

He is also learning matching things. He finally mastered his sorter box and I was so proud of him. A few weeks ago, he knew probably 2 of the 6 shapes but all of a sudden, one day, he was able to match all the shapes with the box! I think at this point I realize that he is really starting to understand more and more things.

He is they type of boy who knows what he wants and is pretty stubborn--thanks to daddy's genes. He is starting to cry for things and sometimes won't stop until he gets his way. He plays pretty well with kids, although I am starting to notice that he is beginning to be very territorial with his toys. I think this is every mother's biggest nightmare! I know he needs to go thru this stage to learn how to share, but it is very embarrassing around other parents when your child is snatching away toys from their children. One other thing that he started doing is biting!! Oy vey!!! So far he only bites us and not other kids but we are trying really hard to nip this in the bud, but sometimes it is very hard to try to reason with an 18 month old.

***Some other updates***

My ex company settled...surprisingly. The agreed to change my classification and threw in $500-gee thanks. I think the company lawyer is the one who threw this in the package since DH and I know him really well-I am not sure if I ever mentioned that DH worked at my said company for 7 years. I got the final papers yesterday. I am so happy to get this behind me-I am sad that we even had to go this far.

On the P front-I went to the doctor last week and found out I gained 10 pds in 4 1/2 weeks!! Holy crap! My doctor was concerned b/c as of 20 weeks I haven't gained anything and she told me that I need to start gaining a pound a week going forward. Well, I did more than that!!! I guess this is what happens if you eat tiramasu or ice cream or a milk shake every night!! Everything else is going well--but I did cut down on the sweets!

Where things stand

2008-06-25T14:17:00.004-04:00

We sent the letter out to my ex-company Monday morning. It is actually a very "soft" letter. All I am asking for is for them to change my classification from voluntary to involuntary. At the end of the day this is all we are asking for--to simply allow me to collect unemployment. After talking to my lawyer, we didn't want them to be on the defensive right at the bat--therefore we are not asking for the "stars and the moon" right off the bat. If they decide that they will reject or say no to this first request, our second round will be a lot more demanding. Since I have 8 years of history with this company I really didn't want to make this more ugly that it is already. Plus I really want to convey to my bosses and I am not after the company money--I am simply asking to collect what I believe I deserve.

The last couple of days have been really weird. Once that letter went out I was practically cut off from everything with my ex-employer. First I get an email from the admin asking about my vacation days...next another email from my boss regarding sending back my computer and badge..then I have no access to the network. All of these just seems so hostile--I guess I knew this was going to happen but I just didn't expect to feel like such a criminal. I spoke to my old boss-who is still with the company, but she is now with another department. She was the one who hired me and I reported to her for 5 years--I LOVED HER!! I told her how I felt and was in tears talking to her and she was made me feel so much better. She reminded me that I did not do anything wrong and I am being treated very unfairly. She actually can't believe how things are turning out. I can't either and i get a knot in my stomach every time I think about it. I wish things turned out differently. So now we wait and see what they will come back with. I have a feeling that they will reject this letter-even though it is in their best interest to agree and just let this rest--but knowing who I am dealing with, this scenario will not happen.

On the P front, I am doing well. I had a doctor's appointment this morning that I totally forgot...okay I didn't forget, I thought my appointment was tomorrow. The problem with my clinic is that they don't call you to remind you about your appointments--so it is up to all the pregnant people to be on top of their appointment. Probably not a good idea since our brain cells seems to dissaapear during this time period. I felt really bad, but I was able to re-schedule my appointment for Monday.

Ending an 8 Year Relationship

2008-06-18T22:06:00.003-04:00

I don't even know where to start with this post. As most of you already know, I am being let go from my job at the end of this month. The past couple of weeks I've been trying to work with my company about certain items that I think I am entitled to. I haven't blog about this because it is a very upsetting subject for me. Today was the icing on the cake.

Let me tell you the guys the scenario--I will try to make it short. We moved out east in June of last year. At that point I asked my said company if I can transfer to the NYC office since I wanted to keep working. They told me that we might be able to work something out. I took a 2 month leave of absence to move my family and in August I went back to work with the initial agreement of a 3 month employment. During that 3 months I was extended until March and then until June. Throughout that time, my boss was trying to find help me get a more permanent position. In April of this month, I was told that my employment was going to end at the end of June.

I was told earlier that I am not eligible for a severance package since I was the one who asked to be transferred to NYC and they were trying to accommodate me. Fine..I don't agree with this but I will not fight it. S was more upset than I was-I told S I didn't want to burn any bridges since I've worked for this company for 8 years and I am hoping that maybe somewhere down the line I can do some contract work with them(which will probably never happen at this point, but I really don't care anymore). In the meantime, I wanted to talk to them about continuing my health insurance-due to my pregnancy and we already fulfilled all the deductible this year. It will be very costly to transfer mid year to S's insurance since we will have to start all over again. In addition, I wanted to make sure that I can collect unemployment insurance since I am not resigning and I am being laid off I felt that I deserve this benefit. I figured I will get some resistance on the medical insurance but I shouldn't get any resistance on the unemployment benefit since it really will not cost the company any money with this. This is a deduction out of my own paycheck that I paid monthly.

So this is when things start to get ugly. When I asked about the health insurance I was told that I can't stay on since I am not on the payroll--if I was on severance then this is a non-issue. I was upset about this but I got over it. It is not the end of the world, we have S's insurance. On the unemployment benefit, my boss informed me that this was a "slum dunk" since I was not quiting and she talked to the head of HR and they said it should be okay. I was okay with this--at least I am getting unemployment--which was my right since I paid into the system.

Yesterday, I emailed HR to get some guidance on how to apply for unemployment. I wasn't sure which state to apply to-I live in one state, work in another state and my co is based in a different state. She informed me that I will probably not be eligible for unemployment since in my record states that it is a voluntary resignation. Remember my boss said this was a "slum dunk" so I emailed her to clarify what was going on. She said she will get back to me. I also needed a letter to give to S's employer about my termination-since it is not an enrollment period for them for health insurance. I received an email from a different HR lady informing me that my letter is in the mail, but it is very vague--and again reiterated that in my file is says that I am voluntarily resigning.I was very upset with this and I emailed my boss and told her that I appreciated everything she's done for me but this is not something I can accept since it is not right. I never gave them a resignation, instead I was told that my last day of employment is at the end of this month. In addition, this might cause some issues in transferring health insurance since I have a pre-existing condition.

To make a long long story not so long...I received an email today and my boss stated that the reason it says voluntary is because my employment was always temporary and there was never a position in NY. I can file for unemployment and it is up to the state if I am eligible for one or not. In addition, since I already transitioned most of my project-I can take the rest of the month off if I wish.

In one email I saw my 8 loyal years with a company down the drain. Oh and I was told in thru email that today was my last day at my job! I wanted to do handle this in the most civilized way. But now they are forcing me to take some legal actions--it is just not about me anymore, it is about my family. What erks me about the entire situation is the unemployment benefits--it is not costing them a single penny!!! If I was not pregnant this will be a non-issues since I can go interview for a job, but in my current state I am out of the market until the end of the year. Who in their right mind will hire a woman who is 6 months pregnant??? And we are still waiting on word about the health insurance with S's company-their HR department is checking this for us. We have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow-I will keep you guys posted. Right now I am full of anger and bitterness towards a company that I worked my behind off for 8 years.

I can't believe I just did that

2008-06-17T12:05:00.002-04:00

****Warning TMI**** If you can't handle poop stories you might want to stop reading now****

You know you entered a different kind of world when you scoop out poop out of a diaper and put it in a cup and take it to a lab for testing. Yes ladies...that's what I had to do this morning. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would ever have to ever handle/examine any poop in my entire life-I don't even like dog poop! B's been suffering from diarrhea since we got back from Can.cun. It got better mid last week and I thought we were getting over this awful episode. We went to the doctor on Thursday to get some shots so I figured it won't hurt for them to check him since he had the said diarrhea. The doctor said that he looks good but if it doesn't go away in a couple of days I need to give them a "sample" so they can check it out further.

So I thought it was over...his poop was getting less and less wet even though he was still pooping about 3x a day--which is a lot for him-and since he was just getting over the diarrhea I wasn't really that worried about it. After a weekend of solid poop, yesterday we went downhill. During the day he was fine but last night he had another wet one. And then morning was even worst!! So as much as I dreaded scooping out poop out of a diaper-(the doctor told me I need a couple of tablespoon) I had to do it. After I sealed it up, I drove to the lab to drop it off. I told the nice receptionist I had a stool sample and she didn't even want anything to do with it. I really can't blame her. She asked me to drop it off the bin and took my paper work.

Now we wait and see for the results. I feel bad for the poor soul whose job is to perform the "poop tests". I don't think you can pay me enough money to do that kind of job.

It's a.....

2008-05-29T22:54:00.004-04:00

BOY! Yup, we are having another boy. We are really excited and happy--yes it would have been nice to have a girl, but that is just not in the cards for us. Maybe down the road I can convince S about the frosties...but right now that is way way far down the road. Plus, maybe Dr. K and the embryologist only produce male embryos for us. Hehe. I think it will be great for B to have a playmate!

Okay..have to go to bed since we have to get up early for our trip tomorrow!

Half way and other stuff

2008-05-27T15:09:00.001-04:00

I am officially at my halfway point with this P. It is pretty unbelievable--it started out pretty rocky but the last couple of weeks things have been good. Other than my growing belly-which is the biggest part of the P- and a little aches and pains there are really no other P signs. I didn't really have a lot of morning sickness or cravings. Maybe I caught a break this time since I had other stuff to worry about-like the multiple sacs. I think now that I am half way, I really need to start thinking about things that we need to get done--for example where to put the baby, furniture, double stroller and preparing B. I am not really sure how to do that last item, I thought of buying some big brother books and reading it to him, but I am not sure if he will really get it. A part of me believes that I can try and try but nothing can really prepare him until the baby is here--I think it is the same approach for the parents too! We think we are ready for 2 but until they are both home, I don't think we know what we are getting ourselves into. We are going for our 20th week u/s this Thursday and I think we will find out the sex. I am still on the fence with it, there are days that I want to know, but I also remember how much fun it was not knowing if B was a boy or a girl! It might be one of those decisions we will make during the actually u/s!

Now the other stuff--we went away this weekend to Eastern Ct for the holiday weekend. It was a lot of fun-for the most part. We saw some beluga whales and some tall ships and had some really good seafood! B is a pretty good traveler. He is pretty content being in the car and for the most part enjoys the scenery or he would take a nap. The bad part is the nap and bedtime routine. B is a really good sleeper-we have our routine down and everyone one in the family is pretty happy. He is a really good sleeper-he naps 2-3 hours a day and goes down at 7:30 pm and wakes up between 6:30-7:00 am. We've been very lucky so we are not complaining. The problem is when we are away from our house-like this weekend. He gets really confused and doesn't know what to do with himself. The first night we were away, we attempted to put him in his pack-n-play but he screamed bloody murder!! Because we were staying in a hotel we didn't want him to keep crying and disturbing other hotel guests, so after about 5 minutes of screaming we broke down and put him in bed with us. It was only 7:45 pm-we decided to turn off all the lights and lay with him until he falls asleep. Great idea at first, but it took almost 1 1/2 hours for him to go down! He kept trying to get up and wanted to walk. There was a mirror at the opposite wall of the bed, so he kept getting up and he would look at himself and crack up. Finally, he went down, but since we are not used to sharing a bed with him, and he sleeps like an octopus, S and I didn't really sleep. B was all over the place and we didn't want to move him in fear of waking him up! The next night was a little better, we put the pack-n-play next to our bed. We let him run around the room until he was tired-it didn't matter if it was past his bed time. When he went to bed, he cried a little, not as bad as the first night and he crashed after about 10 minutes. He did wake up about 2 times in the middle of the night, but I think overall it was better than Saturday night.

Other than the bedtime struggles, B was the typical 16 month old. All he wanted is to walk and not be confined in his stroller. We let him walk around, but we pay for it when it is time for him to get back on the stroller or his car seat. He fights us-kicks and screams!!! I guess I can't really blame him knowing that once he is strapped in--he has not control on when he will get his freedom again. One of the worst meltdown happened this weekend-when he just refused to be carried or be put in the stroller--we were inside a playhouse and it was time to go and he wasn't really ready yet. We thought if we took him out to the boats he will forget about the playhouse and focus his attention on the boat. Boy we were so WRONG!!! This caused a major meltdown where I felt like all the parents were just looking at us! It felt like it lasted hours, but I am pretty sure it was only 10 minutes or so...needless to say it was still 10 minutes too long.

We are home for now....we are headed to Me.xi.co on Friday. I hope this long weekend prepared me for the upcoming trip-or at least I know what to expect. If we find out the sex of the baby I will try to post before we leave...but if not, sorry ladies I will update you when I return!

Sentimental

2008-05-05T10:35:00.002-04:00

This weekend was really nice. S has been super busy with work hence he's been working really late-we are talking about leaving at 6:30 am and not getting home until 11 pm. I stopped complaining about it so much-at least I try to since I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. He is working on a major project that will hopefully will end by next Monday! Yippee!! Due to the long hours he hasn't really seen B that much lately. And this was apparent this weekend since B was having a love fest with his Daddy. All he wanted was "dada". He would walk around and just kept saying "dada, dada". He would whine when he leaves the room and wouldn't stop until he returns. It was actually really cute to watch.

So last night--we did our nightly ritual whenever S is home-before bedtime we play music and we each pick a different instrument and play along. S played the tambourine, I played the drums and B picked up his shakers. It is really funny since B really gets into it. After the song, I looked at S and his eyes were really red and tears were just about to fall. I asked him what was wrong and he answered.."nothing..he is just growing up so fast". Good lord, this just broke my heart. Good thing S scooped B up to go to his room for story time and bedtime--so I was left in the leaving room, in peace crying and realizing that S is more affected by this parenting thing that I thought. I know he loves being a dad and absolutely loves B, but this is a side of him I've never seen. I am supposed to be the sap in the family, the one who cries at every milestone. I wish I can bottle this moment and someday S and I can re-lived all the wonderful times with B...because before you know it he will be all grown up and will have kids of his own.

Catching Up

2008-04-29T15:21:00.002-04:00

Hi...sorry I was MIA for so long. I've been swamp with work (you would think that since I am joining the unemployment line in the next couple of months that I would just be cruising and kicking back--well not in this case). Things are going good. I met my new OB last Friday and she seems nice. It is a very small practice-only 2 doctors. I am not used to this-but maybe it is a good thing. I guess we just have to wait and see. The baby is doing well and measuring right on track. I still have 3 sacs, but they are so small compared to the baby so I am feeling so much better--I think I can say that they are almost a non issue. I don't have to go every 2 weeks anymore, my next appointment is not until the 22nd of May. I still haven't really told people, I have no idea what I am waiting for. Of course, people around here know since you really can't hide it anymore(and we really don't know anyone out here), but our close friends and family outside of CT, which most of them are, have no idea. S said, it is easy to hide when no one can see you!!!

On the B front, he is doing perfect. We went to his 15 month appointment a couple of weeks ago and he weighs 23.6 pds and 32 1/2 inches long!! He is slim and skinny--okay, well he really doesn't look that skinny! The last couple of weeks he's been very vocal and just a chatter box. Granted we don't understand anything he is saying, but it is nice to hear him vocalize himself. He also dropped his morning nap, but now we need to work on getting his afternoon nap in a more normal time. He goes down around 12:30 and I am hoping eventually that will be pushed to around 1 or 1:30. It such a difference now that he only takes 1 nap...I feel like we have this chunk in the morning where we can do stuff because we don't have to worry about the morning nap!

There is one thing that B started doing that worries me a little. Lately, he's been into humping. Yes you heard me right ladies, humping!!! I was so beside myself the first time I saw it. There are 2 things that he "enjoys" humping, his monkey blanket and his sippy cup!!!! I have no idea what to do. If he does it in front of us, we take the item away-usually his sippy cup-and we say that this is a no, no. But I am pretty sure he lays in his crib and humps the monkey to no end!!! Have you guys heard of anything like this? I go.gg.led it and found out that this is normal, mostly it starts at 2 and girls are more likely to do it than boys!!! I am too embarrass to ask our doctor, but I think I will have too, but we are not going to see her until July!!! I know this is a normal thing, and everything I read said this is normal--but I guess I just didn't expect it from an almost 16th month old boy!!! I get pictures in my head that he will be this se.xu.al ma.ni.ac or something--I know I am overreacting, but this really worries me.

On another topic, we were supposed to take a family vacation to Ma.zat.lan this May but since S is so busy with work and they have a major project that keeps getting pushed back, we had to cancel our trip. Needless to say I was very upset, angry, etc. If I wasn't P, it won't be a big deal since we can just re-schedule to another time, but with the P we are kind of in a time line. To make a long story short, we had to pick another destination and start from scratch. We can't go to Ma.zat.lan since we are only going for 6 days vs. our original 8 days and the flight alone takes almost a full day. We need a destination that is a direct flight and a short flight-around 4 hours. So we decided to go to Can.cun. I am not too happy about this, but it is better than not going on vacation at all. The resort is beautiful so that is a plus, but I know that the surrounding area caters to younger crowd. Oh well, as long as we stay in the resort we should have a good time.

Well, this is all for now ladies...sorry for the long post!

Still Here

2008-04-03T13:50:00.000-04:00

Sorry for taking so long to update. I think part of the reason that I haven't updated is that I just feel like I sound like a broken record--I don't have anything new to report other than I am still P and that there are still uninvited sacs present in my uterus. I went back for a f/u today and they found 3 sacs plus the baby-last week at my NT scan they found 2. I wasn't jumping up and down for joy when I heard this because I wanted a second u/s to confirm that there were indeed only 2 sacs left. After my experience a couple of weeks ago, I knew that I can't celebrate right away. Things are progressing nicely with the baby. The NT scan showed that he/she has a very low chance of downs so that is a good thing. I have 1 more appointment with Dr. Midwest(in 2 weeks) and then I transfer to the new OB. I try to just focus on the baby at this point. I keep thinking that these sacs are so small that eventually the baby will just take over the space. I am entering my 2nd trimester and I feel like the last few weeks all I can think about are these sacs that I forget what is really important. I want to enjoy this P and not be so overly concerned about things that I can't control. I figured at this point, what ever happen will happen and there is nothing I can do about it. The baby is growing well and there is nothing to be worried about. 12 weeks down, 28 weeks more to go-I hope.

I finally broke down this week and wore a maternity top! I was trying to hold off for so long--I think mentally I wasn't ready to take them out. Not that I don't like/enjoy that I am pregnant-but I was well into my 2nd trimester(I believe it was in the 17th or 18th week) the first pregnancy before I put on a maternity outfit. I knew that with the 2nd P you pop out sooner and your body knows what to do and everything is all stretched out. But I wasn't ready for this at 8 or 10 weeks!!! But you know it is time to surrender when your nanny says something about your outfit!!! So as of yesterday I started wearing maternity top. I wasn't ready for the pants yet, until today when Dr. Midwest mentioned that it might be time for new pants!!! Boy, was I embarrassed!!! So here I am barely at 12 weeks and I think I need to throw the towel and accept that fact that I won't make it to 17 weeks, it's time.

On the B front, well he is actually 15 months today!!! I can't believe it. He is growing so much and getting into everything. He is still not fully walking, but he can take a few steps at a time. Last week he took 14 steps on his own without falling!!! I am so proud of him. I also think he is transitioning to 1 nap a day. I noticed that if he takes his morning nap, it is almost impossible for him to go down for an afternoon nap. We would put him in his crib and he will talk to himself and his monkey blanket for an hour!!! I guess the upside is that he is not screaming or crying. So I think we will try to transition him to 1 nap a day and see how this will work out. He babbles a lot-but we are still working on him saying mama--oh well, I know he will get there. He loves playing his drums and any other musical instruments he can get his hands on. I guess those music classes are really paying off! Every night before bedtime, he listens to music and plays along with S--it is super cute to watch. He is such a happy boy and we are so blessed to have him.

A Step backwards

2008-03-24T14:21:00.002-04:00

Sorry it took me so long to write an update. With the Easter weekend things just got a little crazy around here. Had a follow up appointment on Thursday and unfortunately they found 4 sacs this time. I think the u/s a week ago was a fluke...the 4th was probably there and they just didn't see it. The sacs are the same size as they originally were(this means that they haven't decreased in size since the very 1st u/s with the R/E). This wasn't really a very encouraging news. Dr. Midwest said that as long as the baby is growing nicely, the mysterious sacs will hopefully just dissolve. I am still crossing my fingers. I am entering my 11th week this week and it scares me that these sacs are still an issue as I enter my second trimester. It makes me very hesitant to share the p news with friends and family. S thinks that we should go ahead and tell people-he claims that what difference does it really make? Hopefully, these mysterious sacs are a non issue and the baby will continue to develop. But I am little hesitant--I guess I want everything to clear up before we start sharing our news. I don't like the unknown factor about it and I feel like I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am afraid that once we tell people, something bad will happen and we have to face explaining what went wrong to everyone.

I got some more bad news last week-Dr. Midwest called me last week to personally inform me that their practice is dropping their OB practice on Aug. 31st!!! She said that she will continue seeing me thru my first trimester(which is only a week from now) and then I have to find a new doctor--obviously we need someone to deliver this baby. ARGH!!! I am so frustrated and mad about this. I know it is not something that I can control, but with all these complications, the last thing I need right now is to search for a new doctor. Since I don't know anyone out here, I just have to go with the doctors that she recommends-which by the way she doesn't really have any specific doctor that she wants me to go with. She said that they will make sure that they transfer all my files and u/s to the new clinic and she will talk to my new doctor in person about my case. As of now, I made an appointment with a doctor on April 16th. I still have 1 more appointment with her this week for my NT scan. I think I will call her and ask her if I can keep coming in for monitoring until I go to the new doc since I still have all these mysterious sacs. I am crossing my fingers that she will be okay with that.

Oh...things are just not getting any easier......

3 is better than 5-at least in this case

2008-03-13T10:42:00.002-04:00

Went back to see Dr. Midwest yesterday for my weekly u/s. The baby(I really need to come up with some kind of name) is doing well. He/she has a heartbeat of 167bpm and is measuring right on target at 9w. On the other news about my uterus-they only found 3 sacs so it looks like 2 of the mysterious sacs are gone! That is fantastic news!! In addition, one of the blood clots is gone!!! Woo-hoo. I am down to 1. So Dr. Midwest is very happy with my progress and so am I. I hope that this trend continues. Crossing my fingers...it feels nice to get some good news-even if they are really small victories--I will take it.

Other than this news, I found out this past Monday that I will be out of a job by the end of June. I am kind of sad and disappointed and I am still trying to get this information to sink in. It should not be a surprise since I've always known that this might not be a permanent gig, but still very disappointing. Plus with the current P the earliest I can really look for a job is probably February if I decide to do so. I still don't know what I will do. Sigh...

An unexpected trip

2008-03-10T10:20:00.002-04:00

Yesterday started fantastic. We decided to take B to the Children's Museum and we all had a great time. He crawled all over the place and played with puzzles, stackables and puppets. He tried to befriend some other babies..but we know that it is pretty hard to be really "friends" at his age. After the musuem we went out to lunch and he was flirting with a teenager! It was so cute...B is such a flirt- it is so funny to watch him! We went home put him down for a nap..he took a 2 hour nap--nice!! After his nap we played a little bit and decided to go out for pizza for dinner(with my P, I have no energy to make dinner and clean up lately..so we do a lot of take out and eating out!!). Dinner was good, we saw our neighboors there so we chatted a little bit. It took him a while to eat, but once he realized that it was pizza in front of him, he went for it. After dinner, we went home, I gave him a bath, and started the bedtime routine. But I think with the time change, he just wasn't ready for a nap yet, so he started crying and screaming in his room. I decided to go back and get him and let him play for a little bit...and this is when the trouble started.

I took him to the living room where S was. S was working on his computer sitting on the couch. I sat on the ottoman and I was trying to calm B down from his crying and just cuddling him. After a while he wanted to get down, so I put him down and he crawled up to his daddy. He is mesmerized with computers, cell phone--anything that he is not allowed to touch. S had the TV on and was watching 60 mi.nu.tes. I turned my back on B and I thought S was watching him. Apparently S was watching the TV--B turned around and attempted to walk towards the ottoman(he is starting to walk--he is taking 2-3 steps before he falls). He lost his balance and fell and hit his head on the ottoman!!! It was a really loud impact! He started screaming and I picked him up...then I noticed blood coming out of his eye!!! I started to panic...S ran to get towel. At this point I couldn't focus..we just went on automatic mode and put his jacket on and we were preparing to go to the ER!! At this point, I noticed that the blood wasn't coming out of his eye, but from a cut above his eye-this made me feel a little better. Thank god the ER is only a quarter mile from our house so we were there in no time. They checked us in and at this point B was calm and starting to smile and be himself again. The cut doesn't look so bad, but we wanted to get it checked out. The doctor finally saw us and he said it was a small laceration and he looked in his ear and everything looked fine. He gave us an option for a Cat-scan-he said that there is very little side effects-but it is up to us-he said B looks fine, but if we want the peace of mind we can do a scan to rule out everything. S and I talked it over and decided that it is better if we do it-to make sure that there are no neurological damages. The scan was horrilbe. They had to wrap him and secure his head and he was screaming the entire time!! He kept moving his head so it took a while to get the reading. Finally, the doctor came back and told us that everything is okay and there is nothing to worry about!! Phew! We went home and put him to bed and he seemed fine.

We were still very shaken up and mad at ourselves after B went down!! I mean this was something that we could have avoided!! I know I should stop beating myself up--especially he is a boy and this won't be the last time he will hurt himself. I don't think I will ever get used to it.

He woke up fine this morning-other than his black eye!! Poor little guy!!

New Day, Old News

2008-03-04T09:13:00.003-05:00

Went to visit my OB yesterday... I think I will give her the name Dr. Midwest-she grew up in the Midwest and lived in Chi.ca.go for about 10 years so we have a lot of things to talk about it. The u/s tech was really nice. She tried to do the traditional u/s, not the v-cam, but realized after seeing all the mysterious sacs that we had to do the v-cam. There is really nothing new to report. I still have 5 empty sacs, one of them is smaller than last time so Dr. Midwest said that this was a good thing. They are starting to disintegrate and this is what we want to see. Although this time I gained 1 additional hematoma-great-so I now have 2. I expect to at least have some bleeding or spotting since these hematoma needs to go somewhere. They are not very big so she doesn't require any bed rest or anything-but of course I am a little worried. The baby's heartbeat is165bpm, which is very good...but he/she is measuring at 7w6d-which is right on track of my due date of Oct. 15th. I was a little worried since the last time I went to Dr. W last week, the baby was measuring 7w4d. Dr. Midwest that this was not a concern and it is within the margin of error(which she told me was 7 days). The important thing was that the baby was growing-she would be concerned if their measurement was less than Dr. W from last week. So even though I was really worried about it, I have to trust her. There is so much uncertainty about what's going on inside me that I feel like I am walking on egg shells with this pregnancy. For now, I am not going to a specialist-I go back next week for another u/s.

As for p symptoms, not as much. Nothing sounds appetizing in terms of food, with my last p, at this point of my pregnancy I was puking every night(knock on wood). This time around, I feel nauseous but I haven't thrown up. Spr.ite seems to do the trick with making me feel better. Oh and the constipation is back..lovely. I am also tired all the time.

***warning child mentioned below***

On another note, I feel bad that I've neglected writing about B the last couple of months. He turned 14 months yesterday. My little boy is growing up so fast. I have some long overdue posts about him. Hopefully I will catch up this week.

So that's it...it is pretty much the same thing-still waiting and hoping that by next week, we start to see these mysterious sacs disappear...I so hope so.

Follow up

2008-02-28T10:32:00.003-05:00

Since we are dying to get some answers, S pulled some strings(okay more like begged) and was able to get me an appointment with an OB yesterday. I have to go to a new OB since we moved last summer and I have yet to pick a doctor. We were hoping that since they are the experts on pregnancy, that they will have some answers to our situation.

Well, that was very optimistic. I met my new doctor and she is really nice. I actually liked her a lot. She talked to Dr. W who did both of my u/s and he explained what he saw. Unfortunately she doesn't really have any other information for us other than what we already knew. My OB agrees with Dr. K that I should be monitored with a weekly u/s. I am scheduled for another one next Monday and she said that if the sacs are still there(I asked her how many Dr. W saw yesterday she said 5 so up by 1 sac from the first u/s), then she will refer me to a perintologist. Great. More poking. I guess I will take this if it means we can get some answers and solutions. She is hoping that they are just sacs that will dissolve on its own-I asked her how long it can take for this to happen. She said as long as twelve weeks. My next question was what happens if they are still there after 12 weeks-and her response was let us not go there yet. Okay..that didn't make me feel good.

So I decided that for now, I just have to focus on the one heartbeat and hope that he/she will keep growing. And maybe he/she can kick some a** and make the other mysterious sacs go away!!!

Lastly, thank you all so much for the support for the last couple of weeks. I don't know how I can get thru this without all you great ladies. You have no idea how much your encouraging words means to me. You guys are all rock stars!!

It doesn't get any easier

2008-02-26T16:23:00.002-05:00

More sacs or whatever you want to call them. I really don't know if they are sacs...at this point I started calling them circles. There are more than the four that we saw last time-I think I counted six this time. Dr. W really didn't want to give me any information-I think since he is not my doctor he doesn't want to give me any diagnosis-understandable. He mentioned hemorrhaging and that scared the crap out of me. There is still one heartbeat at 145 bpm-thank god. But it is so hard to enjoy this completely with this big unknown.

I finally heard from my clinic-and it is Dr. K and not the nurse-I don't find this a good sign. He said he can't tell what they are-they might be empty sacs or blood clots-like this is better-I don't even know what happens when you have a blood clot-does anyone know-will they even know? Since he said we only transferred 2 embryos, the likely hood that these are sacs are low-so pretty much he doesn't know what they are. Great...makes me feel good about the treatment we are getting. He wants me to go for an u/s every week until we get some answers. I asked if this will hurt the baby and he said no since they are all independent embryos. And at the end he says that let us hope that the baby keeps growing and what ever happens happens. This doesn't make me feel good at all.

So here I am, full of anxiety. I am trying to enjoy this P as much as I can, but it is very difficult given the situation. I've searched the int.ern.et and can't find any information. Maybe because I really don't even know what I am suppose to be searching for. Maybe if I can stop crying, I can think of the correct search words. Please..someone help us...

Sh*t they both split!!

2008-02-20T12:13:00.002-05:00

Dr. K's exact words. I can't believe this. I read about this issue all night last night and it does happen-an embryo splitting after the transfer. There are a few cases out there were 2 embryos were transferred and ending up with triplets. Favorite nurse actually said that they had a recent pregnancy with 2 embryos transferred and resulted into triplets.

So what do I do now...I go for another u/s on Tuesday. Favorite nurse said that it is a possibility that one of the 3 will develop a heartbeat...I guess anything is possible at this time. Or it may simply just be a blighted ovum and it will just pass itself. They really can't determine anything until we go for another u/s.

I am not sure how to really comprehend this or react to it. I am scared-I think the chances of being pregnant with quads are really really small, but of course I think about it. The sacs were empty...not even a fetal pole...so I think the chances of any of them being viable are really small. So here we go again...waiting for another week. As I said before the waiting is always the hardest part of this situation. I always thought after the u/s things get a little easier...well obviously not.

Huh...how did that happen??

2008-02-19T16:27:00.002-05:00

Well, S and I went to the u/s sound today...and we saw 4 gestational sacs and 1 heartbeat???? How did this happen???? I am just floored. I mean..they transferred 2 and how could their possibly be 4 sacs? Dr. W-the local doctor at my clinic couldn't explain it either. He said if they transferred 4 that this makes a lot of sense. He was also thinking that one might have split into triplets(holy cow) but the sacs are too far apart and they are not all the same size. He counted them as sacs but could it be a mass of fluid?? I thought I heard him say this but maybe I am making it up since that doesn't make any sense. He said, I am for sure pregnant and one of the sacs has a little flicker of a heartbeat. I am 6w1d today so they couldn't really measure the heartbeat...it was there but just not strong enough-which is normal for how where I am with this P.

As usual..I am still waiting to hear from my clinic. And based on experience from this cycle I have to call them and hound them for my results. They used to be so good about getting me my results..I am not sure if it is because I am out of state and I get lost in the shuffle. I want to know if they've seen this before.

So I guess I am P with a singleton-and the other 3 sacs-well I am not sure if it can ever be explained or what will ever happen to them.

Sigh of Relief

2008-02-12T14:17:00.001-05:00

Third beta is in--and I am happy to say that it looks better than last friday. HCG is now up to 4,608 and progesterone is 115. This is a doubling time of 48 hours,,,whew!!! I was such a mess this weekend, I just kept thinking that if this is not going to work, please let this end and don't let it drag out. Thank you so much for all the support--I really don't know what I would do without this community. Next up is u/s next Tuesday. Today, I am 5w1d p...if I calculated correctly. Thank you!!!

2nd beta--I am not sure how to feel about this

2008-02-08T17:28:00.000-05:00

Just got to call for my 2nd beta and it didn't go double at a good rate.

HCG-1,155
Progesterone-108

Per my calculation this is a doubling time of 80.25 hrs. ARGH...Favorite nurse said that I am pretty close to where they want me to be-around 1,200 but this still scares the crap out of me. God please let this be okay. Ladies, I am really freaking out. Not only is HCG didn't double at a good rate, the Progesterone went down too..not by much but it is done. Please...please...please.

I go back tuesday..and that is too long to wait. Excuse me as I hide under a rock until then....

Finally the phone call

2008-02-07T14:44:00.000-05:00

Well, ladies, here it is--and this is not what I was expecting....

HCG=763

Progesterone=112

Holy cr*p!!! Is there anyone in blogland that can tell me that at 11dp5t this can possible be a singleton?? I am freaking out just a bit....S well, I can't even talk to him.

I go back tomorrow for a second beta. I won't even go thru whap happened and why I didn't hear from my clinic yesterday....I am too mad and frustrated to even go into it.

I am really happy and relieved but I have to admit I am a little scared. Thanks everyone for the support.

Mad, Angry, Frustrated, Pis**d O*f!!!

2008-02-06T20:54:00.000-05:00

I can't believe this, I never got a call from my clinic today regarding my beta!!!!! WTF!!!! I mean the 2ww is the worst part of this freakin cycle and for them not to call about the result??? That is just unacceptable. I don't really know what happened--maybe it is b/c of the huge snow storm in Chic.ago and they closed the office?? or maybe they never got the results from the local office here?? Whatever it is I am just beyond pis**d o*f!!! In all of our paperwork they say to give them until 7pm for call backs--well if you wait that long the office is CLOSE and you don't get to talk to a live person. I called at 4pm Chic.ago time and the office is already closed..I left a message but of course that went to la la land!!!!

I did break down on Monday and POAS-9d5t and we saw 2 lines...I know I should be jumping up and down and but I really can't accept that this is real until the beta. I've never seen 2 lines before so you understand why I am so skeptical. I want to believe it is real, but afraid that it is the after effects of the 2 HCG shots I had to take. Oh, this is so painful.

ARGH....ARGH....ARGH.....please someone help me end this misery.

Unfair

2008-02-04T21:41:00.001-05:00

I was going to write about how this 2ww sucks..but that seems really pointless when Mary Ellen and Steve is suffering so much. ARGH!!! I can't even write a coherent sentence. ME's been on my side from the very beginning and she's been so supportive even though she was going thru her own IF hell. I hold a very special place in my heart for Sylvia, Claire and Lucy.

Various Ramblings

2008-01-30T20:45:00.000-05:00

It was so nice to see B!!! S kept him past his normal bed time to give me a chance to see him-that was really nice! When I first saw him he just stared at me...maybe wondering where I've been all this time. S brushed his hair-which is pretty hilarious since he doesn't have much-but for some reason he looked like he had more hair by doing this!!! Once I saw him the flood gates opened and I just started crying! It was hard not seeing him, but I think all that dumb hormones I am injecting myself had a lot to do with the crying!!! I am so glad to be home and be back in some type of normal life.

Overall B did really well while I was gone. I think it really helped that my parents were here!! B's originally due date is only 2 days away-February 1st. I can't believe how far ago that seems. He is doing really well. When I took him to his 1 yr appointment he weighed 22 lbs 6oz-he is now in the 50th percentile for his age group--pretty good considering he was only 5 lbs 15 oz when he was born! He is 30.5 inches long-I think she said this was on the 75th percentile.

B is babbling a lot--but he is no where near saying mama...sigh. I try everyday and nothing. I guess I just have to be more patient. He is still crawling a lot--no sign of walking yet. Although I think he is getting more self confidence in letting go of the furniture. He tries to stand up on his own for a few seconds-which is I think fantastic and getting him closer to walking. He loves to eat!!! He pretty much eats all of our food-which is good and bad. Good because I can stop buying baby food-bad because now I really need to make the effort to cook something for us to eat!! The other day we wanted to order Indian food and we realized that this might not be a good option for B!

Now on the IVF front-one more week before beta. I would say I am calm as a cucumber, but that would be lying. Yes, time is not creeping by slowly like last time so I am thankful for that. I forgot to mention that this time around I don't have to do the PIO shot!!!! Woo-hoo!!! They have this new drug called endo.met.rin. that is a va.jay.jay tablet insert. I used it 3x a day. I read that this is a new FDA approved drug that replaces the PIO shot. In addition to that I am also using vi.vi.lle dot, which is really a patch. I put 2 of patches every 2 days.

This morning S and were talking and I was re-telling him the conversation I had with the embryologist the day of our transfer. When the embryologist mentioned that we had really really good quality embryos I started thinking about twins. Don't get me wrong, we would love twins, but it will definitely make our lives very complicated and challenging. Forget the fact that I will probably will have to quit my job-3 kids in daycare or with a nanny will be super super expensive. Then on top of that we will probably have to watch me for pre-term labor since B was born premature. Anyway, the embryologist asked if I would prefer to transfer 1 and I thought about it for a second and I said no, let's go with 2. When S found this out he almost flipped out. First of all, he claims that he didn't realized that we had an options!! Okay, lame excuse..like he didn't know. And secondly he mentioned that it would have been nice if he was part of the decision making. I reminded him that we already made the decision that we were going to transfer 2 way before this and it shouldn't make a difference!!! We made the decision together that I was going to go to the transfer by myself so that he can be with B-so his claim that it was not fair that I did not included him in the decision making is lame again!! The decision was made even before we did the retrieval!! And after what I went thru with the pain and being sick with this IVF, why would I take the chance and only transfer 1? I am hoping that this is it and we won't have to do it again so I will do everything in my power that make that happen. Sigh...men...

Transfer Update

2008-01-27T14:15:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post...yesterday we transferred 2 beautiful embryos. It was graded 4A-which is the highest grading in my clinic according to our embryologist. He mentioned that the 2 embryos were better quality than when we did the IVF with B-at that time our grading was 3B. Who knows...I am hopefully, but I know that good embryo quality doesn't guarantee pregnancy. In addition to the 2 that they transferred, they were able to freeze 3 additional embryos and they were going to watch 2 embryos that were still growing-I received a call this morning that the other 2 are not going to be frozen-oh well, I was sad, but hopefully we won't need them. One of the 8 embryos stop growing.

I am flying out this afternoon and I can't wait to see B and S..it's been a really long week. Thank you for all the support ladies. February 6 is beta day!

Day 5, Webcam and a little scare

2008-01-25T14:54:00.000-05:00

We made it to day 5!! Woo-hoo. We are scheduled for a day 5 transfer tomorrow so I think it is a good sign. I am not sure how many of the 8 embryos are left, but I am hoping that majority of them are still growing.

Today marks 6 days that I haven't seen B...it hasn't been easy. Thank god for webcams!!! I've been able to watch him over webcam at least once a day. This is my new favorite invention!!! I don't know how I would have survived this week without it. Granted B probably had no idea what was going on, or why mommy was in this little screen...but it was such a treat to see him everyday-even though it was only for a few minutes.

Now for the scare. As I wrote on Tuesday, I was in a lot of pain...well, it was VERY PAINFUL to the point that I couldn't even walk or stand up. I left work early and once I was at my cousin's house I was pretty useless. After a few hours, I decided to take my temperature since I was just feeling so horrible. Well, guess what, I had a low fever, 100.1. My discharge sheet instructed to us to call the doctor if we have any of the symptoms the listed-and one of them was severe pelvic pain(which I had) and fever of 100.9 or higher-my fever wasn't as high, but since I had the pelvic pain I decided to page the doctor. Dr. K called me back and he explained that it is normal to have pelvic pain b/c of the procedure and that the fever is okay as long as it doesn't keep going up. He suggested that if I can tolerate it, to stay put and not go to the ER since they don't know what is going on and they will do a bunch of unnecessary tests. If my fever spikes up by the next day I was instructed to go to the clinic early in the morning. So followed his instructions, my fever keep going up, by 11 pm it was up to 102.3!! I was so afraid that I caught an infection and I started to feel some self pity. S already left, I was by myself and here I am developing an infection. I felt like I was being punished for wanting another child and I am greedy and this is what I deserved! I felt so helpless and all I could do was cry. I called S and I said I was really scared-what if I get worst, blah, blah, blah. He was really sweet and tried to comfort me and asked me if I wanted him to fly out-I said that is crazy and not to worry-hopefully everything will be okay by tomorrow. I tried to sleep-but I was in too much pain to sleep-it felt like someone took a needle and they were poking my ovaries. It was horrible. Luckily my fever broke early the next morning-the pelvic pain was still there but it wasn't as severe. I decided not to go to work that day and just take it easy. That was the best decision!

I feel much better now. I still wonder if we were pushing the envelope by wanting to try again, but I know it is just bad luck and at the end of the day I am okay. After all this, I was angry all over again about being infertile and that things are always complicated. I have so much I want to say about this subject, but I can't seem to put in down in words or write a coherent sentence about it. Maybe because I am so angry or nothing I say will change anything. For now I glad that things worked out and in 2 days I will get to see B again.

8 is a good number

2008-01-22T14:20:00.000-05:00

Pretty good....better than last time. Last time we had 12 eggs, 5 immature and 7 fertilized. Compared to last time, this is pretty good improvement! Out of the 11, 8 were mature and they all fertilized over night. The clinic will call me again tomorrow to give me a tentative time for transfer on Thursday-then Thursday morning I will call to find out if we are getting pushed back to a 5 day transfer. Keeping my fingers cross.

Electriclady asked if I gave myself a sub-q or IM-it was a sub-q-two of them. I was instructed to take the injections at 7 pm and our flight landed at 7:25. I sat by the window and I made S lean over so that I was sort of hidden from everyone. I was afraid that they flight attendant would walk by and make me put them all away and stow away my tray table!! So I did it really quickly.

I am very sore today and can barely function. I am in the Chi.ca.go office and I can't wait to leave so that I can just curl up on the couch and rest. Oh well...I guess i should take a few more ty.le.nol.

11

2008-01-21T11:39:00.000-05:00

Just got back from the retrieval and they retrieved 11 eggs. We have to wait until tomorrow to get a fertilization report...let's hope for at least half. Last time they retrieved 12 eggs and 7 fertilized. So I am hoping to get a similar results.

I am feeling a little sore--and I think this was pretty similar to last time also. I am resting up the rest of the day--hopefully the soreness and cramping will go away sooner than later.

On Saturday I had to give my self my ovid.rel injections on the plane!!! I told S we hit an all time low. I gave myself the injection as the plane was starting to descend...never a dull moment.

Monday Retrieval

2008-01-18T17:36:00.000-05:00

We are scheduled to have our retrieval for this Monday-which is what I suspected. As of this morning I have 19 measurable fol.lices-which really doesn't mean that much right now. We have to wait and see how many actually makes it and how many makes it to fertilization.

We are off to Chi.ca.go tomorrow evening. Sigh...if we make it to a day 5 transfer-that means we are looking at a Saturday transfer. I scheduled my return flight for Sunday afternoon. 8 days without B--SIGH.... :( S will be returning on Tuesday morning.

To make it worst--my parents went out for an errand today with B and someone rear ended them while they were sitting at a stop light!!! ARGH!! Everyone is fine-I took B to the doctor and he is fine but I can't believe I had to deal with this on top of everything else. The lady was talking on her cell phone and didn't realize that there was a stop light. Yeah..whatever...

Okay, ladies, wish us luck!! We really need it...thanks for all of your support!!!

Umm..a little afraid and need some help from you guys!

2008-01-15T14:53:00.000-05:00

Went back for my blood and u/s today. I just received a call from the clinic and I am to STOP go.nal-F and continue with lu.pron and 1 powder of men.opur. Stopping go.nal-F makes me really wonder if I was over stimulated!!! Argh!! I have 5 more days left of stims(before the first day of retrieval) and my biggest follicle is measuring at 17.5!!!! I have 5 measurable follicles on my left and 8 on my right ranging from 17.5 to 8. I know I said I wasn't going to obsess with numbers, obviously that lasted all of 24 hours!! I have to go back again tomorrow for more monitoring.

Here is where I need your help--how many of you guys went on bed rest after the transfer? My doctor recommends 2 days of bed rest after transfer, which of course I did with B-but this time, I am not sure what to do. I want to get back home right away-and I figured how physical is flying anyway? I know some doctors don't recommend bed rest and they just tell you to take it easy. I just want to know what each of you did--maybe this will help me make a decision.

Things I've learned

2008-01-14T10:34:00.000-05:00

Yes, surprisingly I actually learned something from this process-okay I learned a lot. One of the major things I realized is that you can only do your best and you have no control over what the outcome of this entire process will be. You follow your doctor's orders, take the medication and give yourself the injections, at the end of the day you are still powerless. I know this sound very depressing, but it is a reality that I've come to accept.

I went for my blood work and u/s today. I have to admit that having a doctor do my follicle count was nice-he seems like he was more thorough than the technicians I am accustomed to. It was very nice to get all that extra attention. Here is where my lesson comes in. Dr. W(the doctor here) informed me that I have about 15 follicles on left ovaries and 6-7 on the right. Sounds promising right? But the last time I did this, I had a follicle count of 22 and ended up with 7 fertilized. I remember being very upset at that time-thinking that my body failed me. But the reality is that numbers are good, but it doesn't mean that they are all viable. I am okay with that-I am just wishing for a good number-7 would be good again-enough to transfer and possibly freeze. But again, that is looking way too far ahead.

Per favorite nurse, I am decreasing gonal F to 75 units and I am down to 1 menopur powder starting tonight. I have to go back for blood work and u/s tomorrow. (a little voice in my head is afraid that I am over stimulated--yes I said I learned something doesn't seem I am no longer afraid...)

I haven't talked about the logistics of this cycle. I went through so many different scenarios in my head to figure out how to make this work. First we were going to take B with us and have a family friend watch him while S and I go for the transfer. After the transfer S and B will fly back home-since S needs to go back to work and we have our nanny to watch B at home. I will stay in Chi.ca.go until after the transfer. Second option is for us to take our nanny this way we don't have to worry about B and she can help S fly back with B. Another option would have been for B to stay with me in Chi.ca.go.--but this is too complicated since I need someone to watch him during the transfer and I was planning on working between the retrieval and transfer.

Luckily, as of last week, my parents decided to stay with us until the 25ht(they are with us visiting). With this new development, we decided to leave B behind and S will fly back right after the retrieval. We are hoping to do our retrieval the first few days of the series this way he can get back before they leave. If our retrieval is late...we are back to the options above--crossing my fingers that this will not be the case.

So easy right, big problem solve-well, I am very very depress that I won't see B for about 8-10 days!!!! I started crying the other night just thinking about this. I know he is in good hands and he will be okay, but I've never been away from him overnight! And 10 days is a long time. I know I could have picked a clinic out here and we won't have to deal with this, but right now this is the best option for our family. And I also know it is a small sacrifice for us as we try and expand our family, but none of these reasons is making this situation any easier. Any suggestions on how to make this easier for me? I know B will just be fine-he might look for mommy-especially at night-but I think this will be harder for me than B.

Fear and Guilt-what a combination!

2008-01-08T14:58:00.000-05:00

So finally it hit me yesterday--I am pretty darn scared about this cycle!! When we first decided to go for IVF for a second time, I have to admit I was a little too confident. It worked once so what is there to worry about-right? WRONG! Okay maybe the first few weeks I was a little too confident-but as I am at the eve of starting my stims I thought I was going to have a breakdown yesterday. I started thinking about the chances of success and I just felt fear taking over my body!! All of a sudden, I couldn't breath and all I could think about was all the what ifs-poor responder, no fertilization, no viable embryos, bfn! Of course I know all this and I am not new to this, but as expected you have the same emotions regardless if this is attempt #1 or #100. And after fear-anger takes over-again what's new. Why does it have to be so hard us-and all you ladies out there-why can't something be easy for once? Why? Why? Why? I know I can ask that question a million times and nothing will change. And one more thing-how long can I stay angry? I mean, I have a beautiful child-isn't that enough? As all of us said a thousand times before, IF will stay with us forever.

And then there is the guilt-guilt that I am not as focused with this IVF cycle as I was with my previous attempt. With B's cycle-I was obsessed with everything. I knew when and where I was doing my injections to the T. I had everything documented and I was on the phone with a nurse with the simplest question. With this one, I have to constantly remind myself, oh yeah, I have to do my lupron shot today or when was I suppose to take my last pill. I feel like I am not 100% committed to this cycle. And maybe this is a good thing-everyone told me the first time to relax but again with my obsession, I couldn't physically and mentally do it. Let's all be honest, having a child changes everything-I don't have the time to stare at all my drugs and organize them-I mean I am embarrassed to say that for the most part-other than the medication that needs to be refrigerated-the drugs are still in the original box that it was mailed in! Some of my friends told me that this is normal-you are just more relax with your second-(maybe if getting pregnant was easy-I might buy this theory)-and this is why second born children are more laid back. This feeling of guilt is making me uncomfortable-and more nervous. It just doesn't feel right.

I went for my baseline u/s this morning. It was very weird since it is not my clinic and I felt like an outsider. Everyone was very nice to me (nursed/receptionist etc) but for some reason I felt like the doctor gave me the cold shoulders. BTW, since this clinic is so small(1 doctor)-the doctor does all the u/s!!! This is a treat for me at my clinic I hardly saw my doctor. I met him 4 times-consult, retrieval, transfer and when we got discharged. I sort of understand why he wasn't very friendly, I am not his patient. Plus he is the only infertility doctor in this town so he might be wondering why I didn't even do a consult with him. So it feels really weird that he is doing my u/s and he is not super friendly. Oh well, nothing I can do about that.

Okay ladies, please wish me luck and send me some good vibes-god knows I need them. I start stims tomorrow night. My protocol is the same as the last time so hopefully there aren't any surprises.

Hmn....

2008-01-05T11:40:00.000-05:00

Recent Go.gg.le search that directed to this blog-
"how to erase baby if u don't want to get pregnant"
What the f***?? One of my recent entries had "don't, want, pregnant" in the same post. Sigh...I don't even know what to say.

Happy Birthday B!!

2008-01-03T10:48:00.000-05:00

I can't believe a year ago today I received the most special gift! When I woke up this morning I was trying to relive this day last year. It is so crazy to think that I had a baby a year ago today. Life is different, but in a really good way!

I can't put in words how much I love this child. When I wake up each morning all I want to do is to see him and smell his hair and kiss his hand and feet. I can't wait to see that big smile that is waiting for me when I open his door in the morning. I smile when I hear him make noises through the monitor each morning letting me know that he is awake and is ready to start his day.

B is such a wonderful boy(I know I am a little biased but I am the mom after all!) He loves to laugh and he smiles at everyone he sees. He loves to watch people and is very interested in everything that is going on around him. One lady told us that he brings out a smile on everyone-and I believe this!!! He is a very social baby-when we go to music class he crawls up to everyone and sits on their lap and plays with them!! Yes, like all toddlers he does have some meltdowns, but they are seldom and it doesn't last very long. He is a very happy and content child--what else can we ask for?

He is trying to communicate with us. He loves to babble and some words you can make up like-up, uh oh, opah(my mom believes he is saying op.rah),dada. He babbles in places where he shouldn't, like church. If you try to get him to keep quiet the more he babbles!! He is almost walking. He is trying to stand up without any support. He is cruising like crazy!! Oh and he discovered the stairs and it is his new favorite spot.

He loves to play with all his toys--he loves anything that plays music! I think he gets this from his dad who also loves music. He loves to play his drums and enjoys banging on everything he gets his hands on! He also has this weird obsession with remote controls, cell phones and blackberries!! He loves to ride around the house in his little toy plane and truck!!(yes we have those!!)

Happy 1st Birthday B! I wish you a wonderful life ahead and another year full of blessings, joy and adventure. I hope that you will grow up happy and healthy. I hope that your father and I are showing you a good example of how to live life to the fullest and how to appreciate things. Every day with you is a blessing and we are overwhelmed with love and happiness whenever we are around you.

Did that really happen?

2007-12-26T14:05:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that in 8 days B will turn 1! Where did the time go? It has been such an amazing 12 months that I can't really put it into words.

Funny, last year at this time, I had no idea that 9 days after Christmas I was going to be having a baby!!! I was ready to have a baby, but I wasn't ready to go into labor a month early! I was in total denial during that time. I remember going to see my doctor the morning of January 3rd and her telling me that I was 4 cm dilated. I was thinking to myself, this is okay-lots of women are stuck at 4 cm and they walk around pregnant for another 2 to 3 weeks!! This is perfectly fine, I am dilating-I am getting a good start-labor will be a piece of cake. As I mentioned before, I went back to work like it was a normal day! This is so insane now that I think about it. I was having contractions the entire time and I was still in denial about this entire labor business. I remember eating lunch with a few of my girlfriends and I was holding on to the sides of the table during my contractions!! I thought I was being all sleek about it, until months later when they brought it up and we were all laughing about it. My girlfriend's husband, who is a radio DJ ate lunch with us that day...and of course the next day he was talking about my experience on the air!! That was hilarious...they gave me a copy of the clip so that I will always remember it.

I wen home shortly after lunch and I remember laying on the floor from the pain. I called my doctor and told her I was having these weird pain-but I didn't think they were contractions-they were about 9 minutes apart. She told me to go to triage when it becomes 5 minutes apart. Did I mention that we were getting the carpets replaced the next day?! So S had to make some last minute phone calls to cancel the appointment. Needless to say our house was a disaster since we had to clear the rooms for the carpet guys. When S came up to get me to go to the hospital, I was in the bathroom. He asked me what I was doing and I said I was trying to do #2-I think once I will do this I will feel much better. I really think I was just constipated!!! This is so funny now, but it wasn't during that time! So, off we go to the hospital with 2 suitcases!!! All the doctors were making fun of us...they wanted to know where we were going! I have to give S credit since we were so unprepared..I think he did a pretty good job!

Here we are, almost a year later and I can't be thankful enough for everything! B is doing so well. He is almost at the verge of walking. I think in the next month he might take his first few steps. He is saying some sorts of words, but I really don't think he knows what they mean. He loves to say, "up", "oh-uh", "dada". He is bored with baby food-he is now on 100% table foods. I have a bunch of frozen foods in the freezer that I have no idea what I will do with them. He is also bored with his milk-drinking 17 ounces a day is a good day for him. He is going thru some major separation anxiety-which is bad if you are vacationing for the holidays and he is around grandma, grandpa and aunt and uncles!!

**Update on IVF #2
I start Lupron shots this Friday, the 28th. I go for my baseline u/s and blood work on January 8th. If everything checks out, I starts stims on the 9th! I can't believe that this is happening. I've been so busy with the holidays and vacation that I haven 't really started focusing on this cycle. Maybe that is a good thing...I need some kind of distraction. I received my shipment of drugs last week and I forgot how overwhelming it was to get those drugs! At least this time, I am not as intimidated.

Ouch!

2007-12-12T13:30:00.000-05:00

So AF finally arrived on Sunday with a gusto. I was actually very sad--because now for sure we have to go thru IVF. The little hope that I was carrying that maybe I won't need any intervention is gone. The idea that I will get pregnant on my own is vanished(this is probably it for us..if we get lucky we are stopping at 2 pregnancies-notice I didn't say 2 babies b/c you never know what IVF will give you!). So I will never know if my body is capable if getting pregnant on my own. This made me very sad and depress-why not me??? I know I've asked myself this question a thousand times and I've been mad and angry. But I realized that getting pregnant and having a child doesn't erase these feelings. I am still angry, bitter, upset. I feel cheated--why does it have to be so hard all the time? I have friends who plan their pregnancies--I was talking to a friend the other day and she and her husband are going to La.s Ve.gas in a couple of weeks--why?? Because they want to be pregnant by January or February and so they want a vacation before. I am pretty sure they will get pregnant-they already have a daughter and they also planned that pregnancy. Why can't I do the same thing? Why can't I say-oh I will eat lots of sushi and drink a few bottles of wine because I will be pregnant next month!!! Sigh...

The upside about AF arriving was that I was able to do the saline u/s yesterday. That was lots of fun. My cer.vix is still wide open so lots and lots of saline kept gushing out! I felt bad for the doctor and the technician-especially the technician since she will be cleaning the floor. Oh well. I also went for my day 3 blood work yesterday to a local clinic. It was a totally different experience from my clinic in Chi.ca.go. The office is much smaller and they only have 1 doctor. So it didn't feel like a cattle call. Even though my clinic felt like a cattle call, it was very organized and they get you in and out of there. This place didn't give me that feeling-but I have to say they asked if I wanted juice or water!! What???? So fancy. I think there will be lots of waiting around-maybe this is why they offer you juice or water!! I guess I just have to wait and see.

I started bcp on Sunday. I am a little mad b/c I haven't heard back from the nurse coordinator from my clinic regarding my protocol. I emailed her 2x already and I finally decided to call this morning. I talked to someone-I don't know if it was her assistant or what-but she said to give her 5 business day to respond. If I don't hear from her, give them a call again. Argh!!! so frustrating.

I am a little stressed out about the logistic of this cycle. Now that B is around and we are doing it out-of-town I have to figure out how it is really going to work. It is making my head hurt thinking about it and I think it is to long to make it as a blurb in this post--so I have to post about it separately. Like I need additional stress.

Just like the old days....

2007-12-06T09:36:00.000-05:00

Where is AF??? This waiting game is excruciatingly painful....it brings back all bad memories. I am now on day 37 and still no AF!! What the f***?? Argh!! This month is very critical because I need to get some procedures done before the holidays. Oh the holidays-i.e. meaning getting an appointment is almost impossible. I met with my new ob this week and she was nice. I need to get a saline u/s the first 12 days of said period...right now I am scheduled for Tuesday, but that might not happen if AF decides to take the slow boat to Chi.na. And due to the holidays, I am not sure if and how I will get an appointment. In addition, I am highly encourage by my boss to fly to Chi.ca.go the week before Christmas--and I can't book my ticket until AF comes to make sure that I can do the u/s!!! This is so freakin' frustrating!!! Plus, I need to do a day 3 blood and u/s also, and again I can't book my ticket until AF comes to figure out the dates!!! ARGH!!!!!! I am so unbelievable frustrated!! The other issue is that we are leaving for vacation on the 22nd so the saline u/s and day 3 test needs to be completed before we leave!!!

The doctor said I should POAS if I don't get my said period...but I can't get myself to do it. I guess I don't want the disappointment--plus if it is a BFN then the more pis**ed I will be that AF is not showing up and my entire schedule is dependent on her arrival!! My cycle can be anywhere between 27 to as long as 45 days!!! So I really don't want to POAS until I hit day 46. My old ob once said that this plays a factor in us not getting pregnant..my cycles are too long and by the time the egg releases, the egg is too old!!

Oh please...please...please..I just want to get this show on the road.

Airport, babies and other stuff

2007-11-27T09:49:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. We survived the visit with the in-laws...it was actually lovely. I wasn't sure how the visit was going to go. I haven't blogged about it much, but my SIL and I are as opposite as can be! She also had a baby this year-May and she is living with her parents since they are helping her with the baby. She is a single mom and that story needs to be saved for a post in itself for a later date! Anyway, she is the type of person who likes to gives advice and who preaches. Sometimes, her advice/lecture is not appreciated by me or S! She makes you feel like a total turd when it comes to parenting. One example, right before I was going back to work from my leave of absence-she sent us a thank you card. I just found a day care for B and S and I were pretty nervous about the transition. You would think that if you are a mom/parent, you know that trying to decide the best childcare for your child is a very sensitive issue. As I mentioned, she tends to be a preacher-this is what she wrote in her card -" I decided to move to mom and dad's house--I love my daughter too much and a daycare or a nanny is just not good enough for her!" Let's just say there were some foul words that came out of my mouth after reading this card!!! Needless to say, I was very nervous about seeing her and what other stuff she will say that will offend both S and I. But to my surprise, the visit went really well. Yeah, she is a little quirky, but as long as she keeps her quirkiness with her daughter we are fine with that!

The trip itself went really well. The week before Thanksgiving we went to Chi.ca.go so I wasn't so nervous about the flight. B did really well flying. The only problem was getting through security! It was a big pain! I seriously don't think I can fly with a baby on my own....ever!!! When people see you in line with a baby..they try to avoid you! They know that it will take forever to get through that sensor stuff!!! Can you blame them? First you have to take off your shoes, coat, unload your laptop(if you have one-which we had 2 flying to Chi.ca.go!!). After you take care of yourself, you have to tend to your child, take of the coat, declare you have baby food in your bag, take him/her out of the stroller, hand him to dad or mom(god forbid you are flying alone, no one in security will take your child...instead you kindly ask the people behind you to take your baby while you fold the stroller and put it through the sensor!! And at this point you are just halfway through security. You take your baby back from the nice strangers, and you hand your boarding pass to the lady who refuses to hold your baby, you attempt to cross the security but wait you are denied entrance!! "Sorry but you have to take your babies shoes!!" Are you freakin' kidding me?? It's a ro.beez and those shoes are not even functional!!! Argh!! You take the shoes off, you hope that thing doesn't beep. You finally get clearance, only now you have to put everything back! Sigh. I am tired just writing this post!

Update on B-he is doing great! We almost have teeth! Yeah! He has 2 little ones poking from the bottom...I think it is just a matter of days before they completely pop out! He is cruising and trying to walk...but he can't really figure it out yet. He holds on to furniture and walks along them. Feeding is going well..he is getting better with eating with his hands. Most of the time we still feed him with a spoon. I really don't know how to get away from that. Sippy cup training is going poorly. I put the stopper on the sippy cup, but I worry that he is really not getting anything out of it. It just looks like he needs to work hard to get anything to drink with the stopper. If he tries the sippy cup too long, he looses interest with his bottle and ends up not drinking his milk. I take the stopper off but wonders how he will learn using the sippy cup if the stopper is off. So as you can see..sippy cup is a bit of a struggle for both of us. Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions on how to train with a sippy cup?

Update on IVF #2
Nothing really exciting going on with this topic. We got our blood work done when we were in Chi.ca.go. Now I am back on the waiting game. I need to get an HSG test after my period starts and also start the pill. Oh fun stuff!

When S went for his blood work, he had to take B with him since I was working. I figured this was fine since it was after the morning monitoring so there won't be that many ladies at the clinic and it will minimize the chances of offending anyone. Well, it really didn't work out that way. The appointment was around lunch time. You would think that S would give him a bottle before going to the clinic...but no! S went to visit some old co-workers before the appointment...hence there was not time to give B a bottle. Instead, S gave him his bottle in the waiting room!!! Holy crap!! Of course all the nurses were goggling over him but that is not the point! I asked S how many ladies were in the waiting room with him and he said a couple! I am pretty sure they didn't appreciate this fanfare! S didn't look at it this way, to him they should take this as a good sign...a hope that treatments can work! I said good point, but I bet you they don't think of it that way.

Consult Update

2007-11-12T12:48:00.000-05:00

First of all thank you so much for all the encouragement from my previous post! You guys rock and you don't know how much all those kind words mean to me.

I had my consult with Dr. K last Friday. It was very short and sweet. Dr. K talked to me like we are old pals--which I wonder if he remembers my face! He sees so many patients, he performs about 50 IVFs a month! So for me to wonder if he remembers my face is not an exaggeration!

In a nutshell, this is what is going to happen. The January series is going to start on January 21st and ending on the 29th(holy crap!!). I will go on birth control pills during my December cycle. S and I need to get all of our blood work again--silly me thought that since we already did this we are good to go! Not! I guess those test are only good for 1 year. I am flying to Chi.ca.go on Thursday for work(and I am taking the boys with me)-so to make things easy we are going to get our blood work done at our regular clinic. I am a little afraid, because we have to take B with us-and I remember how some patients don't really appreciate this. But I have no choice since we can't really leave him with anyone. Maybe he will make his cute faces and smiles and the ladies can't help but like him.

I also need to get another HSG exam. Yikes. I don't have a regular doctor out here yet, so I had to make some cold calls this morning. Oh well, there is only one big ob/gyn clinic in our town, so it is not like I really had any choice. I was hoping that I could also do the HSG test in Chicago, but according to favorite nurse my lining will be too thick by then-oh yes!! Of course I remember this! So I had no choice but to call for an appointment with a new doctor. I have an appointment early in December since I need to do a meet and great with the doctor before I can do the HSG test.

And then I still have to figure out the logistics about travelling to Chi.ca.go. Does anyone know if I can book a plane ticket with an open travel dates? I think I heard this somewhere, but I am not sure how to go about it. We don't mind paying more, if we can call a couple of days in advance to get a departure date since we have no idea about travel dates. Any ideas ladies??

The post I've been dreading to write....for a long time....

2007-11-06T09:19:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking and thinking if I should write this post..a part of me is afraid of what people will think and another part of me feels like I am being greedy for doing what I am about to do. I am not sure how my readers(the few of you left) will feel about what we are about to do...here it is...

We are trying for another IVF cycle...there I said it.

S and I have been thinking about this a lot. We know we want more children and we are not spring chickens either. We know that the longer we wait the chances of success gets lower. We are extremely blessed to have B in our lives and we are having such a good time with him--and I think knowing what this joy and happiness is all about is what motivates us to try and have some more children.

And then there is the financial aspect of the treatments. As most of you know, since I work for an Ill.in.ois company, they pay for all of our IVF treatments. The state of Ill.in.ois mandates that the insurance covers infertility treatments. We are entitled to 4 IVF cycles for our first child, if you are successful and have a live birth from these IVF treatments, you get 2 more IVF cycles for your second pregnancy. Not a bad benefit. And due to my work situation, S and I figured that we should at least try one more cycle before my contract with my job is over(my contract is good until March)--one cycle will save us thousands of dollars!! So this benefit played a big part in our decision making. We figured that we should at least try one more time and see where this journey will take us.

Honestly, we've been trying on our own since B turned 6 months. All that bad memory came flying back. I caught myself keeping track of my cycle(but I have to say I am not charting my temps..I am very proud of myself), getting anxious towards the end of my cycle, obsessing about impending AF--checking the tissue after going to the bathroom to see if any blood shows up. One thing haven't changed, I am still in dread of taking a pregnancy test. The past 4 cycles, I've only taken 1 pregnancy test. The same old feelings are back, I don't want to get disappointed, since I know that my body failed so many times before, I still can't handle seeing a negative pregnancy test.

So here we are, I have a phone consult with my doctor in Chi.ca.go this Friday. We decided to go with my old RE--I called around for doctors out here but a lot of them don't accept our insurance. We can go to them, but have to pay our out-of-network share, which after calculating the expenses will be in the neighborhood of about $5-$7K so we decided to go back to my RE. I will have to do my daily monitoring at one of the local clinics here and head to Chi.ca.go 3-4 days before retrieval. It sounds really complicated, but as I used to tell myself all the time, I will just have to take it one day at a time.

Happy Halloween!

2007-11-01T09:42:00.001-04:00

I hope everyone had a fun Halloween!!

Nothing..nada...none

2007-10-16T13:36:00.000-04:00

Inside B's mouth...good doctor said "there is absolutely nothing going on inside"...yup B is not teething at all!!! Good doctor said there is nothing to be worried about, some kids don't their teeth as late as 15 months! Whoa...that is a long time. B will be the only 1 year old without any teeth!! Okay, I know I am exaggerating. Oh well, I guess this just means that B won't be having any steak any time soon! :)

I am trying to teach B how to say mama....he is not even close to saying it, but it just makes me feel good that we are trying. I am not really sure where he should be in terms of talking, but when I hear other moms talking about their babies saying "mama" or "dada" I get worried a little that B is no where near this milestone. I know every baby is different, but as a mom you just can't help but worry. I try not to compare, but sometimes it is really hard. I guess I just need to relax about it a little bit.

We found a nanny!!! Woo-hoo!! I have to say that finding child care or choosing which is best for your family is one of the hardest thing I've ever done. I am essentially telling this stranger, "my life is in your hands, you are taking care of the most valuable person in my life". So I tend to be a stress case when I go thru this process. This time around, the decision didn't seem to be as hard, maybe because we just went thru the hiring process 2 months ago. We interviewed 3 candidates and we ended up hiring the person with the most experience....I know no brainer right?? But it was actually not as simple-you see the person that we ended up hiring Miss T, was the person we had the least connection with out of the 3 we interviewed. But we knew she was going to do a good job and she's been doing this for 12 years. The girl that we really liked unfortunately came back with some questionable references. I think one of the references she gave me is her sister or sister in law, and for some reason that just didn't sit well with me. It's okay if she took her of her niece or nephew, but I wanted a third party opinion. Plus, when this reference called me back, the caller IDs(love caller ID) last name was the same as the nanny--which prompted me to think that they are related-but when I asked the reference said that her phone is under her brothers name..so does this mean Nanny #1 is her sister?? Whatever. Then the 3rd nanny was just too young...she was only 19 and that made me very uncomfortable. I hope that I can put this nanny search behind me for a while...either I will get laid off--which is a very high possibility or Miss T will work out and she will stay for a while.

9 Months!!!

2007-10-08T11:34:00.000-04:00

OMG..where did the time go?? I can't believe that B turned 9 months last week! I know they say that time flies and they grow up so quickly...but to me this is ridiculous!! My baby looks like a little boy now. When he wakes up in the morning--he talks to himself and sits up!! Seeing him sitting up in his crib is just such a huge deal for me, I don't know why, I just imagine him as a little boy..sitting there and playing! It is just unbelievable, a few months ago he was this little baby who can't even hold his head up!

B is now crawling...oh is he crawling FAST. He gets into everything. This morning he was crawling around the kitchen and our pantry was open. Next thing I know, he sits up and he starts touching the tequila..yup tequila and balsamic vinegar! At that moment I knew that we are in trouble. He is so curious and he is getting into everything. He doesn't care that he has all these toys in the living room...nope..he decided he is tired of those and he wants to explore the entire house. He loves playing with shoes(yuck!), purses and anything else on the floor that he can get his little hands on!

I started training him on a sippy cup, but so far that is not going so well. He likes to chew on the them instead of trying to figure out how to drink from them. He can now hold his own bottle and drink from it, but half the time he is playing with it. I started making his food, mainly because I feel weird giving him the baby food w/the meat. I figured, I don't even like eating canned meat, how can I give it to him. It is a lot of work since I have to peel, chop, cook, blend/puree and freeze!! I get tired just writing that down! He loves mommy's food, now I just need to figure out how I can start feeding him bigger chunks w/out choking him. I am even afraid to give him che.er.ios because I just don't know if he is really ready for them. I am very paranoid about choking as you can see.

He can't sit still anymore. I now the days when I keep him in my lap and just shower him with kisses is going to end before I know it. I am not ready for this yet. I look at him and my entire body just melts. I knew that having a baby is such an incredible experience, but until I experienced it I didn't really get it. I can't get enough of him. I just want to hold him and protect him from everything. I've said it a million times before, but this is the most intense love affair I've ever experienced and I am loving every minute of it!!

Now, on a bad news--our nanny, yes the one who started 4 weeks ago-quit last week! Sigh! So now I am in the process of finding a new nanny and the process is not fun. For example, we were suppose to interview someone last night and she was a no show!!! I am crossing my fingers that we will find someone that we trust and who is reliable.

Anyway, 9 months...what can I say. We are closer to his first birthday than the day he was born-unbelievable! It's been an incredible 9 months!

Please someone tell me how to do this

2007-09-26T14:10:00.000-04:00

So I am feeling like cr.ap today. I have a terrible cold that I suspect B gave me, but we are not sure about that yet. I feel so miserable that I don't even know how I will take care of B after work today. I called S to see if he can get off work early for 2 reasons:

To take care of B
To prevent B from catching what I have since we are not sure if he is the one who gave it to me. He's had a cold since mid-August and I feel like there is no end to it!! I feel bad for him because I know he is miserable.

S's response...well I have a conference call at 3 and 4 this afternoon. I am thinking to myself...great. That means to relief for me. I am trying to drink a bunch of tea to see if that will make me feel better and clear up the congestion, but so far no luck. I am taking cold medication, but for some reason that is not helping me out either! Argh.

Oh what to do. B's doing a lot of whining cry lately. Nothing seems to make him happy. Little things will make him cry--like being left in his crib while I prepare his bath or picking him up from his bath to dry him off and leaving all the rubber ducky toys behind..he gets a major meltdown like I flush his goldfish down the toilet or something. Oh this is going to be a fun evening.

I wish I can get a new nose when the one you have is out of commission...it will make my life right now so much easier. Because right now all I want to do is lay in bed and close my eyes. But we all know that there is going to be a 9 month old who is teething and all the glory that comes with that waiting for me as I walk in the door tonight.

It's Like Dating All Over Again

2007-09-12T11:25:00.000-04:00

As most of you know, we just moved to our new "home" in June. We packed up all the things we owned and left all our friends and relatives. Everyone told me not to worry about meeting people..that with a new baby mothers will flock to me because there is this "mommy sorority" that everyone just wants to be your friend.

Well, guess what??!?? They all lied!!! We've been here for 3 months now and I can count in one hand how many people we know. Here is the list:

Our neighbor
Our landlord
Our nanny
Cleaning lady

There you go people!! It is pretty pathetic. And believe me I've tried meeting people. I called the library to see if they have reading programs for children and they said "oh yes dear we do" so I silently said a "woo-hoo" to myself. Then I asked for a schedule because during that time I was on leave of absence and it will be a perfect time to take B out and spend some mommy and me time. They said check on line and I said I did and I didn't see a summer schedule and the nice lady said "oh dear, we don't have any summer schedule since we can never fill the classes up--all the kids go away to their second homes". W.T.F???? How about for people who doesn't have a second home???? So needless to say, there was no reading program for B.

I was so desperate to meet people, I even attempted to strike a conversation at Ta.rg.et. I saw a mom with her 1 year old boy in the baby food section. I was also buying food for B and we started chatting. She seemed nice, I told her that I was looking for a part time job and she said to send her my resume and she can forward it to her friend who is in the same field. We exchanged info, the next day I sent her an email w/my resume. She was nice enough and responded back and asked if I wanted to have coffee some afternoon since she works in our neighborhood! I was so excited, finally a "friend". I said yes, and guess what??? I never heard from her again!!!

So with this experience, I feel like I am dating all over again...every time I go out, I am silently hoping to see a mom and we can start a conversation, and then maybe we will get invited to a play group. Then if they don't call I start wondering why they are not calling back-was it something I said, did B not friendly enough?? This entire experience makes me cringe...I hated dating to begin with and having these same feelings again is just making me so uncomfortable.

B is starting a music class on Saturday. I know he doesn't even realize it, but I am so nervous about it. Maybe we will meet some moms....but at the same time I am worried... what if the moms don't like us and. What if all these moms already know each other and we are invading their little group? Or maybe we are not the right profile(sad to say that our neighborhood is a little bit on the snobby side). Argh!! Can I just say how much I hate this??!!??

Wish us luck...maybe, just maybe, we will get asked out on a date this Saturday.

8 Months

2007-09-05T09:38:00.000-04:00

B turned 8 months last Monday!! Woo-hoo...I think. I am excited that he is growing and happy and content, but I am sad that time is flying and I feel like I need to stop it. I am just not ready for him to grow up so quickly.

Here is what is going on with B so far:

-He is "crawling"--we call it frogging really since it is not the normal crawling that someone would imagine. He gets on his hands and knees and scoots all over the place.

-He loves to try and stand up. He does the "downward dog" position all the time!

-He doesn't like to sit up!! He can sit up on his own for about 30 seconds before he loses his balance! Forget the bumbo..he will sit there for about 3 minutes and will start to get irritated. I think in his head he is saying "screw this sitting and crawling!! I am walking!"

-He loves to eat...for the most part. He is now down to 5 feedings a day. He gets milk and oatmeal w/apple sauce for breakfast, milk mid-morning , milk and veggie/fruit for lunch and milk and veggie w/meat for dinner.

-Yesterday, he went from stomach to semi sitting up--he was able to lift himself to a semi sitting position!! I was so proud of him. I think it is just a matter of days before he can completely do it!!

-He is a good napper! He takes 2 naps a day. One in the morning for about 1-1/2 hours and one in the afternoon for another 1 1/2 hours! Sometimes he will nap for 2-2 1/2 hours!!

-He babbles a lot! Oh does he babble. He gets up around 6 in the morning and for the most part we leave him in his crib until we are done getting ready in the morning. He wakes up happy and he just babbles to himself until we are ready to get him! I love listening to him in the monitor every morning talk to himself. I wonder all the time what he is saying and what is going on inside his little head!

Well, this is all I can think of right now. As I said earlier, he is growing so fast. I need time to slow down just a tiny little bit!

Finally a decision

2007-08-28T09:17:00.000-04:00

We finally made a decision...we hired a nan.nny. Deciding to hire a na.nny became easier when B got sick 2x in 2 weeks. Two weeks ago, while I was writing my last post about what do to with this child.care situation, B developed a fever. I received a phone call on my train ride home and since I was on the train the connection was really bad. All I heard was, hi Mrs. Momo, this is day.care X and this is not an emergency...then silence. I tried to call back, but of course I couldn't get a connection. Finally I got off the train and I called and I was told that B developed a fever. I took him home, he was pretty miserable-his fever was around 103 for about 2 days. I took him to the doctor the next day and found out he caught a bacteria. Great, not even 2 weeks at said day.care and he is sick. I kept him home for 2 days and he was fine.

He went back to school the next week, he still had a stuffy nose, but for the most part he was okay. Then when I went to pick him up on Wednesday-there was this big sign at the door that there was a vi.rus at school--gas.tro.in.tes.ti.nal vi.rus(similar to ro.to vi.rus which is horrible!!)-all I can say was FANTASTIC!! They made us take all their sheets and blankets home to wash and they were doing a major cleaning of the school. B was fine that night--so I took him to school the next day(half his class was wiped out!!). As I was telling my boss about it, she was like "I can't believe you took him there today--go get him or I will be really mad". So at ten I picked him up and he was fine until lunch time. After he eat his lunch--BAM! projectile vomiting in action. He vomited all over my hair, shirt, couch, floor and lamp!! Of course my first instinct was that he caught the vi.rus. Luckily that was the only incident that entire weekend(he threw up some more, but mostly because he doesn't want to eat...more on that later). To make a long story short, we decided that a nan.ny is probably the best option for us right now. First of all, we don't want him to keep getting sick, secondly I can't keep taking off 2 days a week because B is sick. What we decided is that we will have a na.nny until he is about 15 months old and then he is going back to day.care. We figured that he will be older and he might be able to fight off any sickness better,plus it is really important to us that he gets stimulation from teachers and other kids vs. a na.nny. That is of course if I am still employed at that time-I am not sure how long my gig will last.

Deciding on who to hire was a harder decision. We really liked one lady who lived about 22 miles away. We were afraid that after doing the drive-especially during the winter she will decide to look for something closer to her. Because of this we decide to hire our second choice who lives in our town. I kept going back and forth and feeling sick to my stomach trying to decide who to hire(note to self--I will be a terrible employer since I feel bad not being able to give everyone a job). I will never know if we hired the right lady--you see hiring a nan.ny is not like buying a car where you can test drive it first before you make a decision! I just hope that I made the right choice.

Now on B not wanting to eat. The last couple of days he's been really difficult to feed. He usually gets 5 bottles a day(breakfast, mid morning, lunch, mid afternoon and dinner) and along with breakfast he gets oatmeal w/apple sauce, and for lunch and dinner he gets a vegetable and a little bit of fruit. The last couple of days he would only take a few ounces(2-3 vs 6 ounces) of milk per feeding and he would barely finish his vegetable. Of course I am so worried that he is not eating enough so I keep forcing him to eat--which I found out that this was a bad idea after he throw up 2x!! I am hoping that he is just going thru some stage(maybe it has something to do with his teething??) vs. a big problem like a block in his system. For now, we are watching him. He ate well yesterday and this morning so I crossing my fingers.

Will I ever Know What Is the Right Answer???

2007-08-15T14:26:00.000-04:00

So, I've been killing myself trying to figure out what to do with childcare!!! I didn't think I would be so wishy-washy about it and it is driving me and S nuts!!! At one point I told him to just make the decision because I can't do it!

So B right now is in day.care. I like the day.care--S on the other hand doesn't have any opinion because he still to this day have to visit it and introduce himself to the staff. B seems happy when he is there...although he is only 7 months old so I am pretty sure he doesn't even know what is going on. The facilities are clean, the staff are really nice and they LOVE him there! This I know for sure, there are days when I pick him up that he is not in the room because one of the other teachers kidnapped him and is taking him for a stroll or something!

So you are probably wondering what is the problem?? Well, S and I are a little gun shy because of what happened to him in Chi.ca.go. He was going to a home.day.care when I went back to work. The lady was super nice and was very loving to B. The problem was that she wasn't very strict about the sick policy or should I say there really was no sick policy. The last day B was there one of the moms said that her daughter had a 104 fever the night before!! S and I just looked at each other and I wanted to scream "what is your daughter doing here??!!??" Well we all know what happened to B 2 days after that.

So after this really horrible experience, S and I think that a nan.ny will be a better option for us--he will be home and the chances of him getting sick is smaller. I know we can't prevent him from getting sick, but if he is not around a lot of people, the chances are less (actually S want someone to tell him that B will never be really sick again and end up in the hospital-we all know that will never happen). So we started interviewing some na.nny and we found a couple that we really like. You would think by now we would have hired someone and the discussion is over. But there is one issue--S and I believe that being around other children is the best environment for him. We only want a na.nny for a few months, maybe until he is about 15 mos old, when he is a little older and his body can stronger to fight germs. I like the day.care he is at right now and I would like for him to go there, but I have a feeling that if I pull him out now he won't be able to get a spot when we are ready to put him back next year. And the other big issue is that there are not a lot of day.care center where we live-so the waiting list can be long. They give priority to kids that are already in the system-understandable.

So the question is do we take the chance and pull him out? Or maybe we will like having a nan.ny so much we won't even attempt to put him back in day.care. And since we are only renting, who is to say that we will be living in this neighborhood in a year? two years? Maybe by the time we are ready we will be moving again and we will decide to stick with a na.nny(until we are settled) vs. day.care-why have him transition again? I feel like I am over analyzing this and I should just take a deep breath and stop thinking. Maybe what I need to do is just take this child.care thing one day at a time. Life could be different in 6 months--who knows. I should not worry what the people at day.care think of me or my decisions or if B will be forever barred from their school. Maybe I should just think about what is the best for him today and the rest will fall into place. Help!! Why is this issue so difficult.

Where or Where is MoMo

2007-07-31T15:14:00.000-04:00

Oh boy...it's been a long time since the last time I posted, but we've been dealing with lots and lots of crazy things. First of all we are now in Conn.ec.ti.cut and moved out of the Wi.nd.y Ci.ty. It was an adventure but we finally got here.

First of all, B got sick with R.S.V the day before we were supposed to drive out here. I took him to the doctor the Thursday before we were going to drive-which was supposed to be the 27th of May. Our doctor didn't like the way he was sounding so she sent us to the ER. When we got to the ER, the doctors didn't sound as concerned. They gave us a prescription, and sent us home. They told us to check back with our regular doctor in 2 days-which was Saturday. He didn't sound any better on Saturday and when we got to the doctor's office, our doctor was mad and couldn't believe that the hospital sent us home--btw, I forgot to mention that the hospital is a HUGE Chil.dre.ns Hosp in Chi.ca.go.-to make a long long story short, we ended up in the hospital, B was in isolation for 3 days! We had to change our plans--we stayed in Chi.cago for 2 more weeks to make sure that B was better.

So here we are in our new "home". I am going to be honest and say that it's been a very difficult transition for us, me especially. We made a lot of friends in Chi.cago and it was really hard to leave that all behind. Our neighborhood is very different compared to Chi.cago. We were able to walk out of our town home and walk to restaurants, grocery store, Wrig.ley Fie.ld, the lake, ICE CREAM(I love ice cream)--but now we have to drive everywhere-S and I were never big fans of driving! We had a 2000 Ho.n.da in Chicago and it only had 22K miles and I had the car for 7 years!! The other downside about out new neighborhood is that there are not a lot of kids in the area. The majority of the residents here are older-like my parents age--so it makes it really hard to meet people. I was trying to find baby classes that B and I can attend, but most of them are those franchise type music classes. Again, I think it is the nature of a town that doesn't have a lot of children. So here we are--trying to make the best of it. I guess the good thing is that S, B and I are getting lots of quality time together.

Now on the work front....I will be starting work again on Monday. The good thing about my gig is that I am going to be working from home most of the time. I will probably go to N.ew. Y.or.k once or twice a week. This will save me a ton of time since I won't have to do the 45 min. train ride into the city. I found a daycare for B--but now I am contemplating getting a nanny--but that is another post all together!!!

Updates on B:

He is doing great. He will be 7 months this Friday. During his 6 months appointment he weighed 15pds 130z and he was 25 1/2 inches long. He is now eating a lot of solids. He loves carrots and squash! He still eats 5 times a day. 2 of these feedings only consists of milk and the other three he gets veggies and fruits with his milk. He is rolling over and scooting (sp?) a lot!!! He can't sit up on his own yet, which was worrying me a lot--I need to stop since I know he will eventually get there. He likes to laugh a lot and makes these noises that none of us can really decipher. It is very cute.

I tried to keep updated with all of your blogs but I was still pretty behind. I promise to catch up on everyone this week...please be patient with me. I hope everyone is doing well.

My Kind of Town

2007-05-25T15:24:00.000-04:00

Chi.ca.go...yes...that is my kind of town. This Sunday S, B and I are packing up and driving to Conn. to start a new adventure. I know I've talked about it before, but S accepted a new job in the city that never sleeps and this means we have to move.

I will miss this town a lot. I've lived here since 1994 and made a lot of friends since that time. I will miss the lake front, especially on a really nice day. I will miss the food-pizza and hot dog to name a few. As you all know there is nothing like the Chicago hot dog!!! I will miss the fact that all I have to do is walk outside and there are stores, restaurants and bars right at my doorsteps. And the cubs...or my cubs. We lived 5 blocks away from Wrigley and this was something we really enjoyed. I will miss hearing the crowd sing take me out to the ball.game out on our deck....I will miss going to a nearby bar watching the game and feeling like I am at the stadium since we are so close. Although I have to admit that I won't miss fighting for a parking spot during game days. And downtown..I've always loved the downtown area since it is concentrated in one area it is very easy to walk from one point to the next. I can always run errands during lunch time.

But most of all, I will miss all my friends and family. We've made some really good friends in this town and sometimes it is hard to imagine that we will be able to find such close friends again in a new city. I know we will and it will just take some time--but I keep thinking that our friends here are hard to match. And family...I don't even know where to begin. It is nice to have family connection--even though our parents and siblings are not here, having aunts and uncles here really makes a huge difference. They've been so wonderful--they were always there for us. Not having any family at all in Conn scares me.

So with a very heavy heart, I say goodbye to this beautiful city, to all our family and friends. I hope someday we will find a way to come back, but for now I will bid goodbye and hold everything close to my heart!

Why Today is a Special Day

2007-05-11T09:40:00.000-04:00

Wow...2 posts in one week! I know, I know...I've been pretty bad about posting..but working and taking care of a 4 month old is kicking my butt!! But I wanted to post today because today is a very special day. One year ago, S and I drove to the "big outside the city facility" for our retrieval. One year ago today, Dr. K retrieved 12 eggs..out of the 12 eggs 7 fertilized. We had a day 5 transfer, 2 beautiful embryos were transferred and 4 were frozen. And now, we are blessed with a beautiful baby boy!

If someone asked me a year ago if I thought I was ever going to be a mother, I would have probably answered-"I am not sure and the way the cards are stacked up against us, it is not looking good." My feelings and emotions last year were so raw, and I could feel the pain of wanting to be a mother so bad. I kept thinking about the negative results, because a part of me didn't want to hope. Hope was painful, because I knew that at other side of hope was this pain and sorrow that only women who suffers from IF can relate to. That feeling that you get when you get a negative pregnancy result, or when IF visits the day before your beta. Maybe I didn't like to hope because I've been knocked down by it so many different times. I remember the days when IF would visit the day before beta and hoping that this old blood...and is not the real thing. Or hoping that the pregnancy test was taken too early, that maybe, just maybe if I wait another 2 days I will get a 2 lines. Hoping that the cramps I was feeling was implantation and not the impending period. I remember the days-- when I was in the thick of things, I held on to hope so tight, I didn't want to believe what was in front of me--because what was in front of me was too painful to accept--but after some time, I had to let go of hoping so much because it just became too painful and unbearable.

But look at me and S a year later, we have a beautiful baby boy. This was something that I thought was so unreachable for us. We are blessed and we are overjoyed. He is a handsome little boy with a big smile and big heart. Looking back now, every hope, pain and sorrow was worth it. I would do it all over again knowing what I have now. Our journey might be different from everyone, but it is just as special. Would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY!!! Having B in our life is the most amazing thing that ever happened to us. We won't trade it for anything. Having a child is the most intense love affair I have ever felt and I am willing to go thru all the heartache and pain all over again if it means that I can go thru this experience again.

4 months

2007-05-04T15:50:00.000-04:00

B turned 4 months yesterday!! Wow...time flies. I remember not long ago when he only weighed 5 pds 8oz...it felt like I was carrying a doll! Now he is a whopping 13 pds 6 oz and 25 1/2 long!!! For a preemie he is catching up pretty well! Here are the highlights for 4 months..

-He can now hold up his head!!!! This was very exciting for us--I've been waiting and waiting for this to happen. Since he was a preemie--we thought he won't be able to do this until his 5th month--so we where really happy when he did it at 3 1/2 months!

-He likes to be entertained. He loves to coo...he cries if you walk away from him! Once you start talking to him..he is all smiles and all coos! I think he will be a talker like his grandmothers...you guys know that vol.vo commercial with the little girl who talks and talks...that's going to be my B!

-He goes to bed between 8 and 8:30 and we don't' hear from him again until 6-7 in the morning!!! Woo-hoo!! Once you get pass the 2-3 hour feeding at night time, life with a baby becomes a little easier. It is amazing how a few additional hours of sleep makes a huge difference.

-He is more interested in objects--especially in the last couple of weeks. You can put a toy in front of him and you can actually get a reaction.

-He got the green light to eat cereal, smashed bananas, avocados, peaches etc! It is very exciting. I haven't tried it yet since S is out of town and I want to do it when he is here...so this might be a big weekend for B!

-For some reason he only poops every 3 or 4 days. I asked the doctor about this and she said is normal as long as he is not throwing up or sick. I am used to it now, but the first couple of weeks, I was a psycho about poop. I would keep checking his diaper for poop and would talk and beg him to poop!

-He got his first cold a week before we went to Hawaii. That was traumatic for me...I am pretty sure it didn't even bother him. I insisted to take him to the doctor's office--he was fine, he got over the cold in a week. Mom on the other hand was not fine--I was the one who gave him the
cold so I was feeling the mommy guilt.

Speaking of Hawaii....our trip was fantastic! We went for my dad's retirement. B did so well on the plane--9 hour trip. Everyone around us was commenting how good he was and that they didn't realize there was a baby. B rocked! The hardest part was getting thru security! But once you get pass that, it wasn't so bad.

I am still pumping..I thought I would be done by now, but for some reason, I keep doing it. Maybe because I see how much B enjoys it...he is a really good eater, or maybe I am just stubborn and stopping makes me think that I am a quitter. I know that this is not true, but I feel so guilty whenever I think I want to quit. I originally gave myself 3 months, now I just finished 4 months and I am trying to see if I can do it for 6 months! I know I am crazy and I like to torture myself.

Speaking of pumping, I managed to pump on the plain!!! 2x on the way there and once coming back! I opted not to use my double breast pump since it makes a lot of noise, instead I used a manual pump with the aid of a nursing cover in attempt to hide what I was doing! It worked! I have to admit, it hurt and took a long time. I had to pump for a couple of reasons...one, my tatas was going to explode if I didn't pump and secondly, I didn't want my supply to go down. So I was determined to do it...I figured, I won't see these people again so I just have to do what I have to do!

I hope everyone is doing well...I need to catch up on all your blogs I am hoping that I can slowly start reading up on everyone again!

3 months and work stuff

2007-04-04T16:42:00.000-04:00

B was 3 months old yesterday! Wow...how time flies! Here are the milestones for 3 months:

-He is holding up his head longer during tummy time

-He can now sleep 8 hours at night without feeding. Sometimes he will still get up, but all we do is give him his pacifier and a little rubbing of the belly and he can go back to sleep--at least most of the time! The other night S and I went to bed at 10:30 and didn't wake up again until 5 am!!! That is 6 1/2 hours of sleep!! It was fantastic!

-I've switched him to a level 2 nipple...he eats so much faster now! At first we had issues about spit up but I think he just needed a little practice

-He laughs and coos a lot! Specially after a good night sleep.

-His eyes follows us now. I think he can recognize my voice and S voice and can probably see us a little. You can see his eyes following us once in a while.

-He loves to suck! He sucks his hands and arms whenever he can find it!! It is pretty funny!

I am still pumping and feeding him. My milk supply increased to the point that I am now freezing some milk! I am shocked! I just didn't think that this was going to be a possibility for me. We are headed to Ha.wa.ii in 1 1/2 weeks for my dad's retirement and I have no idea how I will pump on the plane! I don't think I can last the entire lenght of the trip without pumping once! My tatas will explode!! I am flying alone with B--I have no idea how I will survive this one!! S will fly back with us--but flying 10 hours with a newborn by myself is not something I am looking forward to. I have to figure out how much milk to bring, how to heat up the milk, when to pump discretely! oy!!

Now about work....I've been back for 1 1/2 weeks now. I went back full time last week and starting this week I am only working 3 days a week. It was really hard and emotional--there were lots of tears last week. It helped that my MIL watched him all of last week. This week he started day care. I was lucky that my boss' day care was able to take him in such a short notice. At first, I wasn't happy about the day care when we visited on Sunday. Maybe because it was at night time, there were no kids, it was on the basement and it just seemed so sad! I woke up on Monday at 5 not knowing what to do. S wanted for me to just quit and not put B thru the ringer, but I knew that if I don't at least come back this next two weeks, my chances of getting anything in our N.e.w. Y.or.k office is really slim. So with much anxiety, tears and hesitation, I finally made it to the day care center at 10 am and I sat there with him for an hour. After seeing all the other kids interact with Anna(the day care provider) I felt better. The kids adore her and they adore B too...he was the King of day care that day! I felt even better when he got home that day and he was in such a good mood! I think what helped is that I knew that he is only there for a minimum of 5 days (this week and next week-might be longer if I decide to come back after our trip).

So here is the update about work. I decided to come work part time for the next 2 weeks and then go on leave of absence. Once we get settled out in the east coast, I will call my boss to see if there is anything available. I need to go on leave on absence since there are so much going on with our life right now...we don't have a place to move to--how am I suppose to find a nanny if we don't even know where we are going to live. Plus our house here is still not sold and to top it all of, we need to buy a car since we sold our current car to my brother who is picking up the car in 2 weeks! So we will see what happens, if there is something for me when I call them(I have no idea how long of a leave of absence I will take) then great, if not then I think I will try to find something part-time. What I know for sure is that I want to do something in terms of work-ideally part time-and if it works out with my current company great and if not then I will take my time to find something. I think there is something out there for me and I just have to find it.

I hope everyone is doing well!

To Work or Not to Work

2007-03-24T22:29:00.001-04:00

So here I am on a Saturday night...I should be pumping milk for B but instead I am blogging. I am returning to work on Monday...and I am not sure what will happen from there. I originally thought that I won't go back to work--that I was going to stay home with B and enjoy being a mommy and move to N.e.w. Yo.rk. But a part of me is not sure if this is really what I want to do. I feel guilty about this, but the entire time I was on maternity leave, I was constantly checking my email to see what was going on. I love B to death, I love being with him, but at the same time, I feel like I need to do something for me.

So here is the deal, I am going back for a week...mainly to tie things up since I left so abruptly...the little guy couldn't wait. I already told my boss that we are moving and I asked if I can be transferred to the office in N.e.w. Yo.rk. I was surprise that she was more open about the entire idea. Unfortunately it is not up to her, it is up to the head of our department. She talked to her, and the bottom line is that I can't have my current job and move, but they are willing to try and give me some special projects for six months and see what happens from there.

At first, I thought that it was going to be a flat out no and I was going to accept that and the decision will be made for me that I will stay home with B. But now, I actually have an option and I am so torn about what to do. I think I have to go back to work and see what it is like...this is the only way I will figure it out if I really want to work or not. Besides, if after 2 months or so I don't like it, then I can quit and say that at least I gave it a try.

So here is what will happen the next couple of weeks, I am going back full time for a week. S's mom is coming in to watch B during this week. If I decide to keep working after that, I will ask for a transitional schedule(until we move), work 3 days a week, my girlfriend's mom is willing to watch B for 3 days. The next hurdle is child care in N.e.w. Yo.rk.--but that is another story on it's own so I will save that for another day.

So wish me luck....right now I feel so guilty that I feel like I am choosing my career over my baby. I was looking at him tonight when I was feeding him and I just started crying, knowing that next week I will only have a few hours with him each day. I don't understand why I can't make a decision and I didn't realize that it was going to be this hard.

2 Months

2007-03-11T15:57:00.000-04:00

We went to B's 2 months check up last Thursday. Here are the highlights about the appointment and other milestones:

-He now weighs 10 pds 7 oz and is 21 3/4 inches. Still on the small side compared to other 2 month old babies...but he is doing really well and gaining weight tremendously.

-He received 4 shots! It was horrible. Once he figured out what was going on he was screaming. He was fussy the rest of the day and he ended up getting the fever that evening. We were warned about this so it was no surprise, but it was still not fun to deal with it.

-He is smiling at us all the time now--especially in the morning after he's had a good night sleep. He also giggles in his sleep--it is the funniest thing! I can't wait until he giggles when he is awake!

-He loves taking a bath!! One thing to note is that he pees in his tub all the time! My friends told me that girls to this also, you just don't notice it since you don't get that arc! I've learned to just go with the flow, if he pees in the water, there is nothing else I can do--just keep going with what we are doing.

-He is feeding every 4 hours at night! Which is better than every 2 or 3 hours! I hear that other babies are sleeping thru at 6 weeks old...am I jealous, yes a little, but at this point I will take what I can get. I just keep reminding myself that he is only this small for so long so just enjoy every minute of it (this my favorite phrase around 2 or 3 in the morning!!)

-Breastfeeding is going well. I don't know if I can call it breastfeeding since he gets a bottle of breast milk. My milk supply is a lot better--I don't have to give him formula anymore, but at our doctor's visit, the pediatrician recommended that we continue to give him one bottle of formula a day. Apparently, breast milk doesn't have any vitamins and since he likes it anyway, we should just continue. I am okay with this.

-He is getting better about napping...still not fabulous, but I've managed to get him to nap for at least 45 minutes (or more ) in the morning. I am still working on the afternoon nap. He can sleep if I carry him and cuddle him, but once I put him down he is awake!

So that is all I can remember for now...my mom leaves this Wednesday and S will be in NYC this week also. So B and I will be alone....I hope it goes well.

Have a Beer and Rub Olive Oil

2007-02-22T14:48:00.000-05:00

So that was the doctor's orders. First from Dr. Shut Eyes, when I went in for my 6 weeks visit, I told her that I am not producing enough breast milk for B(short for Benjamin) and her prescription was for me to drink beer. I've heard this from my MIL before--I guess she did this when she was breast feeding S and his sister. I was a little shocked and I asked Dr. Shut Eyes if this was okay for the baby--and she said that I am only having 1 beer at a time and not 20 beers! So, I did have about 2 bottles of beer the last week, the first bottle, I only drank half a bottle and started feeling light headed. I guess this happens if you haven't had any alcohol in about a year! I am happy to say that the days that I did drink alcohol, my milk supply increased! The feeding is getting better, I am still pumping and feeding. I am pumping about 3 to 4 ounces per pumping--which is just enough per feeding for B. I am not sure what I will do once he needs more than this--I hope the milk supply will increase. Oh, and she also told me to take Fenugreek--and I've been taking this too. Amy from Tales of the Lazy Ovaries suggested this too!

Update on the rash and B's condition--the pediatrician suggested that we rub olive oil to help the dry skin-I thought olive oil is just for cooking...but guess what ladies, it works well for dry skin! I was very pleased. I think B thinks it's food, because he tries to lick every time I put it on. He is doing really well, the rash is almost gone and he is changing everyday and it is just amazing to watch!!

So, I officially go back to work on the 23rd of March--but as we all know we are moving to NY so that is not going to happen. I still need to tell my boss--which I am not looking forward in doing. Ironically, I found out 2 weeks ago that I got promoted--can you believe that?? Now that I am quitting, I get promoted. Oh well, I just keep telling myself that if we weren't moving, would I really want to go back to work? Probably not...or if I did, I would probably want to do it on a part time basis...which is not an option for my position.

One month visit

2007-02-11T16:22:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday I took my son to his one month visit. He is doing well overall. He's gained 2 pounds since birth--he is now 7 lbs 15 oz and 2 inches longer (20 1/2 inches). According to Dr. P(the pediatrician) he is doing really well and gaining weight really well. Considering my breastfeeding struggles this is really good news.

Speaking of breastfeeding...I've decided to pump and feed. This was a really hard decision for me to make, but I had to do this to figure out if I really need to give him supplement of formula. It turns out that I do. He can eat about 4 oz per feeding and I can only pump about 2 1/2 oz per feeding. These last couple of days was better, I am now up to 3 to 3 1/2 oz per feeding. Although I miss the contact with my baby, I am at peace with this decision. I want to make sure that I am doing the best for my baby and it seems like this is the best compromise.

Here is the downside...Benjamin developed a really bad rash(looks like eczema) and baby acne all over his face. Dr. P advised us to us a special cream for his face...well this turned out to be a bad move. He ended up really red and his eyes got swollen!! This prompted us to return to the doctor's office the next day! I felt so horribly. Dr. P is not sure what is causing the rash and we are trying a few new things this weekend. She thinks that the baby might have a bad reaction to fabric softener so we are not to use this anymore in our laundry. She also advised us to get a humidifier--she thinks this might help since his skin was so dry. In addition, he might be allergic to protein from the formula...but again it is hard to tell. She wants me to continue giving him the same formula this weekend and if his condition doesn't improve in the next couple of days, we are suppose to switch to this special formula that doesn't have the protein. I broke down when she told me this. Not only am I inadequate to produce enough milk for my him, now the formula that I am giving him might be causing all of his skin problems!!! I have no idea what to do anymore--I need to do what is best for my baby...I thought supplementing with formula will make him happy--he looks happy and satisfied, but now we have these new issues to deal with. Dr. P doesn't want me to switch over to the special formula just yet, because we will never know if the "regular' formula is what is really causing the rash. She said to continue with what I am doing, stop the cream and see if there is any improvements.

So here we are at 5 weeks and 4 days and still struggling. His conditions improved a little bit this weekend, but still not a 100% gone--I guess all I can hope for is that it continues.

Breastfeeding Woes

2007-02-05T18:10:00.000-05:00

Benjamin is now 4 weeks and 5 days old. There are things about a newborn that I was prepared for, but the one thing that really hit me is the breastfeeding. You hear it from people and read it in all the books that breast milk is the best thing for the baby and don't even dare giving the baby formula. So I had it stuck in my head that I can only give my baby breast milk and don't I even dare to give him formula. Well this change when he was born prematurely. With a premature baby, one of the things that doctors and nurses worry about is their blood sugar level. They have to maintain a certain blood sugar level--if they don't maintain a certain level of blood sugar, then they have to go to NICU. The only way that they can maintain their blood sugar level is by eating. Now keep in mind that right after birth, you don't have any breast milk-since this was the case, the nurses said that they have to give him formula and if we don't and his blood sugar level is low, then he might have to go to NICU. All I needed to hear was NICU and I said go ahead. So from day one of his life, he received formula. The entire time we were at the hospital, we had to give him formula for a few reasons, to keep him from loosing too much weight and to maintain his blood sugar level. I think I forgot to mention his stats when he was born..he weighed 5 pds 15 ounces and 18 inches long.

We all went home after 3 days. At this point I was only giving him breast milk. We had to go to the pediatrician almost every other day the first week. The first day we visited the doctor we found out that he has jaundice...no big deal. A lot of babies get this. We found out at that time that he weighed 5pd 9 ounces. The doctor wasn't overly concerned. We went back 2 days later and he lost another ounce. At this point the doctor made me change his feeding regiment...I know have to supplement with formula every other feeding! I was devastated. Needless to say, he gained 7 ounces in 2 days and everything was wonderful! They had me supplement him for another week and then we are now on pure breast milk.

Here is the problem, he is always hungry. I don't think I am making enough milk to satisfy his hunger. I cry about this all the time. I have this guilt of giving him more formula--I feel like such a bad mother for doing this to him. But I can't have my baby go hungry either!! I had a lactation consultant come and we figured that the baby was getting 2 ounces a feeding. Which is not bad, but the problem is that Benjamin can probably go for 3 to 4 ounces!!! I want to continue to breastfeed my baby....but I want him to be happy too. I feel so guilty, I thought that this was one thing I can do successfully. Getting pregnant was not easy.....turns out that staying pregnant to the end was not going to be my experience either...so I figured breastfeeding was one thing I can do good at...turns out I fail that one too.

Did I also mention that our house goes on the market today? This makes me very sad because it solidifies the fact that we are moving and starting a new life at a new city that we know nothing about.

It's a Boy!

2007-01-11T17:06:00.000-05:00

Yes, we had the baby 4 weeks early! A week ago last Wednesday, our little guy, Benjamin decided to make an early appearance. It was a surprise for all of us...and to be honest I was in complete denial. Mentally, I kept telling myself that this baby is not going to come until February 1st and having him at 35w6d was way too early. But what do I know.

Here is how it went. Tuesday night, I noticed that I was having a lot of discharge so I was concerned. I called the doctor on call and he asked if I had any pains and I said no, just lots and lots of discharge. He asked if it was mucusy(spelling?) or if I think it might be my water and I said it looks more mucusy than water. He said that it was okay and this is normal for where I am in my pregnancy. So I went about my evening...and went to bed. The discharge was still going strong(I had to change panty liner 3 times during the night). This concerned me, so when I got to the office the next day, I called Dr. Shut Eyes to see if I can come in, because I wasn't sure if it was discharge of my water breaking. She told me to come in right away, so I left work. She checked me out, definitely not my bag of waters, they were still in there. She checked if I was dilated and it turned out I was 4cm dilated. I was in total shock...I just looked at her and asked what should I do now. She said go back to my normal day, if this baby is coming, it's coming. She told me to check back with her the end of the day and update her on my discharge. I asked her it is possible that I can walk around at 4cm for a couple of weeks and she said yes. But I think she knew I was having my baby that day, but didn't want to freak me out. I was very upset since the baby is only 35w6d and it will be a premie...I keep trying to talk to the baby and asking him to just hold on for another week.

So I went back to work....thinking about it now makes me realize how crazy this was. Around 11:00 am I noticed some pain but not sure what it was, I figured it was related to exam that Dr. Shut eyes performed earlier that morning. The pain was about 9 minutes apart, but still I was in denial. Finally, at 1:30 I went home and called Dr. Shut Eyes and told her about the pains and she told me to go to hospital when they are 5 minutes apart. So at 4:00, S and I drive to the hospital and by the time we got to triage, I was 6 cm dilated!!! Holy cow, I am having this baby today! So they transferred us to labor and delivery and by 10:00 I was fully dilated and the baby was out by 11:15!!!

So here we are, at home with Benjamin and learning the ropes of feeding a premie. I am not going to lie and say it is wonderful--because it is far from that. We are feeding him every 2 hours and it takes an hour to feed him since he is so small and tends to fall asleep. So essential, we get an hour break and we are doing it all over again! I keep telling myself...hang in there, you just need to survive the first six weeks and things will be better....I hope

Happy New Year

2006-12-31T10:42:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been away for so long....but yes I am still alive and still very pregnant. I am 35w2d pregnant and I have been really tired lately. Everything is going well, except that I had a really bad cough/cold combination the last week. Being pregnant and being sick is not a good combination since you are still so paranoid about what medication you can take and how this affects the baby. It just reminded me how precocious this little one is and how lucky we are that we are this far in this journey.

2006 was definitely a year of trials and tribulations. The combination of infertility and job lost was very hard to deal with. There were times that I didn't think that life will be simple again...where we won't worry about the job, having kids. I think infertility is a scar that will never go away...it is always with you--no matter how far you've gone in this journey for some reason, there is always a reminder. For those of you whose followed my journey, we all know that I was successful with my first IVF attempt and we felt so lucky and blessed. A part of me still can't really believe that this is happening. Unfortunately, S was still looking for a job and due to this we both felt that we couldn't truly enjoy the upcoming baby because this was hanging over our heads. It was a really long journey, we had to keep reminding each other that this is temporary and it is all about timing and something will come up and things will work out. We had to keep believing...if we didn't we would have fallen apart.

So here is the good news, I am happy to tell everyone that S found a job!!!! The only bad thing about this entire deal is that we have to move(we knew that the probability of this happening is really high..but it doesn't hit you until you have to do it). The job is in NYC-surprise, surprised...but we don't think we will be in Manhattan...he did that a few years ago and I think with the baby we are ready to move to the suburbs and enjoy some land, grass, etc. So for all you ladies in the east coast any ideas on where to move to will be appreciated. He will be in Wall Street for now, but the office is thinking of moving to midtown. If they stay in Wall street we are thinking New Jersey is the easiest and fastest commute...if they move to midtown then we can look at NY and Connecticut. Any help, ideas will be greatly appreciated!! We want to live in a town with some kind of a downtown, where we can walk to restaurants and shops. I think we might rent for a year and then buy something after that once we know the neighborhood. We are not moving until May--he negotiated this with his contract..he starts work on Jan 8th and will be commuting to NY until then. He is really happy and excited.

So ladies...Happy New Year to all--my wish for everyone is that 2007 is a year of joy and celebration for all of us. I am sorry I've been away from all your blogs--I blog during little breaks I get from work, but we have been going thru some major changes at work and breaks are few and far between lately. I just want to wish you all a Happy New Year and please be patient with me as I catch up on all of your blogs!

Third Trimester

2006-11-09T17:45:00.000-05:00

Today starts my third trimester....wow, I can't believe that this seems more real than ever before. We are actually having a baby in 12 weeks or less! Things are pretty good, I am starting to feel more and more tired everyday. I am starting to have back pains and heartburn...lucky me. Sleep is still an issue, but I've accepted it, and makes things easier knowing that I really can't change anything. I had my doctor's appointment today and everything looks good. We did the glucose testing today and I didn't think that the drink was that bad--I guess since everyone was complaining about it, I was prepared that it was really going to be nasty. But overall, it was okay. I've gained 13 pounds so far, not bad according to Dr. Shut Eyes. I did develop some rashes last week (they are gone now) and I think it is from the cocoa butter that I was rubbing in my belly.

The baby is doing great...heard the heart beat today. He/She decided to do some karate kicks at 2 am this morning! That was lovely--S and I laugh every time we see my stomach move when the baby is moving. We picked up some paint samples this weekend for the room, but of course we didn't like any of the ones we picked....very typical of us. I made a list of things I need to get done before the little one shows up and I am starting to panic! I think having the holidays smack in the middle of everything makes me more nervous!

So things are moving along...I can't complain. I hope everyone is doing well.

27 Weeks

2006-11-02T15:01:00.000-05:00

One more week and I will be entering my third trimester. I can't believe how quickly time is passing. I discovered something pretty cool last night, as the baby was kicking I noticed that my stomach was moving!!! It was cool and weird at the same time! I wanted to show S so I was poking my stomach and S scolded me and told me to stop poking the baby....he/she will make an appearance when he/she wants to!!

On another subject, I know I've complained about my commute and the train and how people don't give up their seats for pregnant people--therefore I have to tell you all the story that happened the other day. I was sitting down on the L train on the way to work, the train wasn't very crowded, but there were no open seats. A women gets on the train, maybe in her late 20s early 30s and she had to stand up since there were no seats. After a few minutes, she ends up sitting on the floor, I looked at her and asked her if she was okay. She replied and said that she feels like she is blocking out. I got up from my seat and offered her my seat, at first she refused, but I insisted. She sat down and started getting her color back. After a few minutes, she stands up and offers me my seat back and I told her I was okay and I was getting off pretty soon. What amazes me is that there were 11 other people sitting down around us, mostly men and no one offered her a seat when she was clearly sitting on the floor and me, the pregnant one is the one who gives her a hand. And by the way, after I got up and stood up, not a single person offered me a seat!!! I am just surprise how people can be so rude.

I've been pretty depress lately too..I know, you guys are probably wondering "what is her problem??". S is still looking for a job...it's been a year last week and it's just been so hard. I don't like to blog about it because this is not what this blog is all about--but sometimes it is just too much to handle. I think as the arrival of the baby is approaching, I realized how hard this is for S. He tries to be happy around me all the time, but I know that he is just doing it for me and the baby. He feels bad that we have to look into child care, all along our plan was for me to stay home after we have children or at least have that option, and it kills him that we can't do that right now. I look at him and I just wish there is something I can do to take all the pain, anger, frustration away...but I know I can't. When we were having problems with getting P, I thought that once we got P, that everything will be fine and we will be happy and we will enjoy every moment of it.....sadly, the job loss is robbing us from what is supposed to be our happiest moment.

Belated Happy Birthday, Child Care and other things

2006-10-23T21:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I turned 35...wow, I can't believe it. S keeps reminding me that for everyday that passes by I am closer to 40 than 30. What a nice, sensitive guy he is!! I had a great day yesterday, S went to church with me(this is a big deal since he only goes on Christmas and Easter), he went shopping with me and we went to one of my favorite restaurant for dinner. It is hard to believe that this is the last birthday without a child--it actually feels a little weird.

Today, we toured a day care center. We are still not sure what we are going to do, but we decided to start looking at day care centers to keep our options open. Everyone is telling us that there are very few day care centers that accepts infants so we decided that we should get on the waiting list so at least we have options come May. We liked the center, it was clean and it seems like all the babies are happy. They have a lot of infant, I think because the demand in the city is high and there are very few places to choose from. It also helps that one of our really good friends have their 4 month old baby at the same place. Overall, it just makes me feel good that we have some options.

So my next project is to start the baby room....this is one area where I've neglected. Thinking of what we have to do is just so overwhelming that I keep putting it off. I think I've run out of time and I have to face the music. I can't believe I have less than 15 weeks to get everything done!! This is really happening...

24w5d

2006-10-17T09:12:00.000-04:00

Things are pretty good..I am growing by the minute. Other than not sleeping very well, I can't really complain. I think the sleep thing is your training for when the baby comes. I really can't find any comfortable position and once I find myself sleeping, I have to get up and visit my lovely friend the toilet!! I try every trick in the book, going before bed, not drinking a lot before bed, but nothing works! I still have to go at the minimum of once--mostly 2x in the middle of the night!

S and I played nicely during our field trip to gigantic baby store. We finished our registry...he just keeps reminding me that we were there for 3 1/2 hours! I know it was long, but I didn't want to go back. My mission was to go there once and be done! It was nice since we went on a weekday and it felt like we had the store all to our selves. Plus it was extra bonus points that most of my friends just had their babies and I just printed out their registries and pretty much took their registries and copied it! That saved us a lot of time.

So I go for another doctor's appointment tomorrow. I will be updated how much weight I gained so far and hear the baby's heartbeat again. I think I only have one more appointment after this one before I start seeing my doctor every other week! How time flies!! But for now, I better get my work day started...as I've mentioned before, things been really crazy and I am totally swamped at work. I hope everyone is doing well.

22w5d...50th post

2006-10-03T09:14:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am still here. I am sorry if I've been so quiet lately--works been so busy that it leaves me no time to blog(which is probably a good thing....keeps me out of trouble) and then we had computer problems at home-our hard drive crashed!! Not a good thing, it was out of commission for over a week while they replace the hard drive.

Anyway, I am still alive, 22w5d today. I am feeling pretty good for the most part. The calf muscle spasms are back!! Urg. It's wakes me up at night-but I guess since I am not sleeping well anyway, what is the difference. I just feel bad because S wakes up every time I clinch and scream! I noticed that my appetite increased the last couple of weeks, but I am not craving anything yet. I don't know if this will change. I did notice that there were certain type of foods that I used to like (like a bag of chips) that I just do not care about anymore--it just doesn't appeal to me anymore. Funny what p does to your body.

We also started thinking about the nursery. We are getting a free crib--I love free things-from my cousin so I am really happy about that. One less thing we have to buy. I started looking into nursery decorations only to realize that there are really not a lot of things out there that are gender neutral. I guess most people find out the sex of the baby in this day in age and there are very few people who opt not to. Anyway, I did manage to find something that I like. We are headed to register on Monday--S is really looking forward to this...yeah right!!. I figured might as well do it now while I still feel good and have some energy.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. Just want to give everyone an update of what is going on with me.

Halfway

2006-09-20T09:19:00.000-04:00

I am 20w6d today...more than half way. I can't believe it. Overall, I feel good, I started feeling the baby on Monday-the 18th. At first I wasn't sure if it was baby or gas, but once I saw my doctor yesterday and she pointed out where I would feel it if it is baby and where it should be if it was gas, then I realized my baby is making a statement! It is a very amazing experience.

We had our 20 week u/s yesterday. Everything looks great. The baby is measuring perfectly--the only thing that was an issue was that he/she did not want to cooperate with the u/s. It took over an hour to get all the measurements! I am not surprise because he/she did the same thing when we did our first trimester screening! The baby is very flexible, he/she was doing a lot of interesting yoga posses yesterday! I feel great, so far I've gained 4 pounds (sorry, I am not trying to brag, just want to write it down as a personal note to myself.) I am officially wearing maternity clothes--boy does it make it easier to get ready in the morning when you don't have a lot of options!

Our trip was WONDERFUL!! It was really sad to come back. It was nice to see my parents and how they reacted to my ever growing belly. Hawaii is truly a beautiful place--it was like living in this fantasy world. I will try to load my pictures sometime next week. I hope everyone is doing well.

Leaving on a jet plane

2006-09-07T20:33:00.000-04:00

That's what we will be doing early tomorrow morning on our way to Hawaii!!

Sorry I've been pretty bad about commenting on everyone's blog this week...I've been so busy trying to finish work before I leave for vacation that blogging is virtually impishly. I hope everyone is doing fine and I will catch up on everyone when I return. For everyone is who cycling right now, GOOD LUCK!!! You guys are always on my mind!

Happy Anniversary

2006-08-27T12:41:00.000-04:00

Two years ago today, I married the most wonderful man. We got married in Santa Barbara, California and we were very fortunate that 100 of our friends and family took the time out to help us celebrate this very special day. I am very fortunate to find a man who loves me unconditionally and treats me with the utmost kindness and respect. I didn't think that I can love him more and more everyday, but I do.

So today, we went out to a nice brunch and I after brunch I headed off to church. I got home and discovered a dozen roses sitting on our dining room table. They are beautiful!! We are going out to an Italian restaurant for dinner--we were in Italy last year celebrating our 1st year anniversary and I think S wants to reminisce so he insisted on going to an Italian restaurant.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

16w4d

2006-08-21T14:05:00.000-04:00

So I am still here...looking bloated instead of looking p. Nothing fits me correctly--my own clothes are too small and maternity clothes are not fitting correctly. I seriously look like I've eaten a big bag of potato chips and drank a gallon of water after! A part of me just wants to look p so that people stop looking at me funny.

I experienced a new p symptom this last week--calf muscle spasms!! OMG it HURTS!!! It happens at night when I am sleeping and all of a sudden I feel this sudden pain and all I can do is scream and it scares S off! I've had calf muscle spasms before, but it doesn't happen every other day!! I guess this is pretty normal and there is really not much you can do about it. Some books suggest to stretch during the day, use a heating pad, massaging the calf or increase your calcium intake and reduce food that contain phosphorus (lunch meat, carbonated drinks)--there's been suggestions that the spasms could be due to the imbalance of calcium and phoshorus in your body. I also read that if it is severe and regular bring it up to you doctor. I wonder what constitute "severe and regular"?

Today, I am 16 weeks 4 days and feeling pretty good.

15 weeks, doctor's appointment, tripping myself....

2006-08-10T09:04:00.000-04:00

Today we crossed the 15 weeks mark! Woo-hoo! I am still feeling like my food is stuck up my throat...so once in a while some puking is going on. I went to see the doctor yesterday, it wasn't Dr. Shut eyes(I don't think I officially named her, but I am now...remember she is the one who keeps closing her eyes when she talks). She was on call so I saw one of her partners. He was really nice, we will call him Dr. Loverman (this is because I found out that my co-worker sees the same guy and she is so in love with him--to the point that she is switching doctors!). Anyway, Dr. Loverman said that it is normal to feel like my food is stuck in my throat because my entire digestive system is slowing down. He suggested taking vitamin B6 or ginger tablets. I think I might check this out. My only other option is not too eat too much, which I am a little worried about since I've only gain 1 1/2 pds since I got P. Dr. Loverman said this is not a problem...so S said I shouldn't worry about it. Although, I still don't like the feeling of food being stuck up my throat.

So, last Sunday, S and I attended a Simchat Bat--which is a baby naming ceremony for our friends new born baby. That was really fun--I've never been to one before so I was really excited to go. Anyway, on our way to the ceremony/party, S and I decided to walk, instead of taking a cab. It was a beautiful day and it was less than a mile so walking wasn't a big deal. Until of course I trip myself stepping on a crack, fell on my butt and scraped my knee really badly!!! At first my first concern was the baby...and I wanted to turn around, call my doctor and demand an u/s. We all know that this is a little over the edge...lots of p women trip or fall and they are okay. S tried to convince me that everything is okay and he reminded me that his mom got into a major accident when she was p with him and look at him he is perfectly fine. So I calmed down and we continued our trek to the Simchat Bat. Of course I was still really worried about it the entire time, especially after seeing how my scrape was getting really red looking like it was infected! But, that was not the case, the wound was just healing and everything is fine--no infection and baby is fine.

So here I am...15 weeks, 25 more to go--things are good.

After a long week of waiting...

2006-07-31T20:35:00.000-04:00

We finally got the results of our first trimester screening. Everything looks good...our chances of down syndrome went from 1 in 200 to 1 in 3,900 and for trisomy 18 our chances went from 1 in 750 to 1 in 10,000--I will take those odds. At this point, S and I decided not to do any additional testing. We don't want to take any chances of a miscarriage and we can live with our test results. Surprising, I was worried about getting the results, but not psychotic about it, which was very unlike me. I guess deep down inside I didn't want to believe that something could be wrong with this baby.

Other than the test results, it's been pretty quite. I am starting to show....no surprise there and everyone we've shared the news with have been really happy and excited for us. It is really nice to get this kind of attention for once. I guess I've always imagined it and at one point almost gave up on it.

Okay--I do have to vent about one thing. I think people who don't give up their seats to pregnant people or people w/children in a public transportation is rude!! I know rude is a harsh word, but people when you see a pregnant woman or children on the train/bus, get a clue!! The worst thing is that they know that they should do something, instead, they look away and they pretend that they don't see you! I always gave up my seat and it used to surprise me if I am sitting next to a man and he lets me give up my seat and he continues to read the paper!!! Now that I am in that situation, I realized how seldom people will offer you a seat.

Sorry, if I haven't been posting comments on your blog lately, I've been so busy at work and by the time I get home all I want to do is sleep. I just want to let you know that I am thinking about you guys and I am continuing to read your blogs.

We Are Learning To Share

2006-07-20T09:24:00.000-04:00

Today marks 12 weeks for us, and last night before leaving work, I finally told our CFO and controller that I was P. I really couldn't hide it any longer, yesterday our CFO's assistant looked at me and asked me if I had something to say. She is a really sweet lady and I couldn't lie to her so I just smiled. But the thing is, once you tell her, it is like taking a mega phone and announcing it to the entire world. So I knew I had to say something before they heard it from someone else. It went really well and they are both very happy for us. This weekend we also started telling a lot of our close friends and we received a lot of well wishes. A part of me wanted to wait another week, but as S said, what difference does it make anyway--it is what it is and if g-d forbid something happens in the future, we will deal with it. So there it is, we are out in the open.

P symptoms are still there...I thought the nausea was gone, but boy was I wrong. I didn't puke for almost 2 weeks and then the last 2 nights it happened all over again. My belly is growing, I can no longer fit in my regular clothes. This past weekend I bought 2(white and black) be.ll.a ba.nds--have you ladies heard of this?? I love it!! It's a band that you were on top of you pre-p unzipped pants, shorts, skirts--it looks like you have a shirt underneath-like you are layering. At least for me, it works great, I can now wear my old pants and hopefully I don't have to buy p pants for another few weeks. There is one warning--it is not very comfortable when it is over 90 degrees outside--I learned that the other day. But other than that, I think it is one of my best purchases so far.

So, if all goes well, 12 weeks down, 28 more weeks to go. I can smile about that.

First Date Was Just Okay

2006-07-13T09:28:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned before, yesterday I had my first "date" with my OB/GYN. Overall it went okay--I like my doctor, but I don't love her--which I was actually very disappointed about yesterday. She is very business like and I guess I was looking for someone with a little more bedside manner. Then she has this weird habit of closing her eyes when she talks!!! I didn't think S noticed it, but last night at dinner he mentioned it and I just started cracking up. We started talking like her and now we are worried that during delivery she will close her eyes and drop the baby or snip my uterus incorrectly!

We talked about what I can eat, how much weight to gain, and all the different kinds of test. She talked about the downs syndrome test and S and I both felt that she really didn't care what we decided to do--she actually said this. I guess since I am turning 35 this year and I will be 35 when the baby is born, they are legally required to tell us about the test. And then she continues to say that it is a very personal decision and we can talk about it for another 30 minutes but she can't do that because she had other patients to see. Instead she referred us to the genetics department of the hospital. I was very disappointed and I really can't make a decision about it. The first trimester screening, which is what we would do if we decide to do it--won't tell you if the baby has downs, instead it will give you odds, like 1 out of 5000. I guess if your test comes back 1 in 100 they interpret that as a bad result and then it is up to you if you want to do more test like amniocentesis or cvs which will give a definite result. I guess what we are struggling with is what are we going to do with this information? If we find out that the baby has downs we both feel that terminating the pregnancy is not an option. So would we do the test just to prepare ourselves? If this is the case, then we will both be very worried the rest of the pregnancy and we both feel that this is not right either. I guess what I am saying is that if the baby had downs we are going to be sad, but it is better to know now and be prepared or enjoy this pregnancy and we will deal with it when it comes. So for now, since I am almost at the cut off for the first trimester screening, we made an appointment for the 24th and we will take this time to make a decision.

On the other P front, the puking subsided a little bit this week (knock on wood)--so I am hoping that this will continue. We did another u/s yesterday and we saw arms and legs!! It was so amazing. I am exactly 11 weeks today...one more week and we can start to share. Although, I think I am starting to show and I won't be able to hide it from my co-workers much longer. Last week one of the guys at work(okay he is gay so he is probably more in-tune) was staring at my belly--then later on that week he was poking my belly button--then finally this week he flat out asked me if I have a baby in my belly--I said no, I am just getting really fat!!

Well, on a non P or IF front--I just want to share with everyone that I purchased 2 tickets to Hawaii for $35 by using miles! I was so excited on Monday I couldn't contain myself. I guess it pays off to have your family live in Hawaii--you accumulate miles very quickly. So this will be our babymoon--our last relaxing, romantic vacation before the little one comes! We are going in September and we are planning on staying with my folks for 4 days and then heading to the Big Island or Maui for 3 days! I am so excited I can't wait!!

10 Weeks

2006-07-06T09:33:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the boring title, I am not very creative these days. Also, sorry for being so quiet and not posting lately--I guess I just don't have a lot of things to say these days. I have P symptoms but I don't feel like this is the right place to complain and whine about it. There are so many women out there who would trade places with me, so I just don't think it is fair for me to even utter a sentence about it. I guess all I want to say is that, even though I am not feeling like myself these days, I am grateful that I am where I am--this is what I've wanted for so long.

Today, marks 10 weeks for me. I haven't seen any type of doctor since June 26th so I am not sure what is going on down there. I don't have another appointment until July 12th so I have almost another week to wonder.

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July and had a chance to spend some quality time with friends and family.

Breaking up

2006-06-27T09:06:00.000-04:00

So I feel like I just broke up with someone...yesterday I was released from my RE's care and I have no more u/s appointments, no more blood draws or follow up appointments. It felt really weird leaving the clinic and saying goodbye to everyone--maybe because I felt like I've lived there for the last 7 months. I know this is not as long as other people, but I just felt this separation anxiety as I was checking out and waiting for my medical records to be printed yesterday. A part of me didn't want to leave the clinic--I know these people, I know the protocol. Now I have to go to my OB and it feels like getting to know someone new and learning all their quirks--it's like building a whole new relationship, I wonder if I the people are going to be as nice and as repsonsive. I know this is not the first time I am going to see my OB--I've been going there for 4 years, but I still feel like a stranger, especially since I only saw her once a year. Before we were officially released from the clinic, we saw Dr. K and he was really nice to us. He told me I am done with my progesterone (yeah!!), and no more baby aspirin! On the way out, he gave me a big hug and he wished us lucked!

On the p front--the baby is doing well, at 8w4d the baby is measuring at 8w5d. The heartbeat was at 161 bpm--which sounded good to us. Everything looks good and we are very happy about it. The baby was upside down yesterday, and every time the wand was hitting it's head, the baby was jerking his/her head. It was pretty funny--I don't think the baby liked us poking around there.

So, my new "relationship" doesn't start until July 12th. For now, I will just sit and wait until then. I have no idea what to expect with the first appointment or "date". I wonder if I will get an u/s at that point. I think I will go through withdrawal in terms of the u/s, I've been spoiled the last few weeks--with pictures and seeing/hearing the heartbeat.

Torn

2006-06-19T14:37:00.000-04:00

Since last Thursday, I've had mix feelings on how I am going to write this post. Thursday was a heartbreaking day because my cycle sister Sube lost her baby that day. Sube and I started this journey together and we were rooting each other the entire time--as some of you already know, we were retrieved the same day and we had the same # of eggs fertilized. On beta day, I was so nervous that one of us will get a negative--I just didn't know how to handle this news. The entire time that I was on my 2ww, Sube was on my mind, I kept wondering how she was doing--if she was handling the wait with much more strength and grace than I did. So when we both received positive betas on the same day, I was more than ecstatic. I was imagining how we will both be going through this journey together--and how we will continue to support and cheer each other on the next few months. Thursday's news was just devastating. My heart was breaking for Sube and at the same time I was feeling an enormous guilt--why am I the lucky one? It is so unfair, wasn't it enough that we suffer through IF--shouldn't we have a free ticket once we get pregnant? I just don't understand it. A part of me is almost paralyzed--I have no idea what to do from here. Should I stay quiet for now? Am I a painful reminder of what could have been, not just to Sube but to all the other women who were cycling at the same time(Thalia, Nikole,Pamplemousse,Kris)? Mellie posted feeling guilty but I never really understood what she meant until last week...

If you are interested in hearing about some P news--keep reading, if not you can stop here.

My 7w4d ultrasound went well. The baby doubled his/her size from last week. The heartbeat was 169 bpm...which according to favorite nurse is really good. I go back for a third and final u/s next Monday.

As for P symptoms it is kind of weird. I am not sick-sick, but I don't feel like completely myself either. I've had a few throw up episode in the last few days--I mainly feel like my food is stuck in my throat, then all of a sudden it all comes up. Nothing really tastes good right now so I am hardly eating, although anything sour sounds very appetizing. I've been having some really weird dreams:
1. Feeding granola and raisins to a baby and I started eating and choking on it(by the way I hate raisins).
2. I was Nikole Kidman and I was on a broadway show in NY. I was freaking out right before the show bec. I didn't know my lines. I had a halo and wings...don't really know what this means.
3. I dreamt that I spent the night swimming in the river--remember I don't know how to swim
4. Most recent dream last night-I was with a girlfriend with her baby and we were in Mexico trying to find a pre-school for her 1 year old boy!!

Job Woes

2006-06-15T09:48:00.000-04:00

As some of you know, S was laid off from his job late last year and he's been looking for a job since then. S is in the finance industry and as I mentioned before it is a great industry when you are up, but can be very volatile if you are down. He's been working really hard looking for something in the past 8 months and he's been close in getting an offer a few times.

In the last 3 months, his old boss at Ungrateful Company (sorry this is what I choose to call his old company) was fired. Shortly after this happened, people from his old company called to see how he is doing (other than his boss, everyone loved him at this company) and to see if he is interested in coming back. Of course S welcomed the idea and this started the process. He flew to NYC and talked to a bunch of people blah...blah...blah... The job sounded really interesting--it is a higher profile job than his old job here in Chicago and this job will be in NYC. A few weeks later (actually, the same day that we got the positive beta) he received an offer. The offer was not what we wanted, which we expected since we figured we would have to go thru some negotiations. To make a long story short, they were offering him the same $$ that he made here(or possibly less depending on his bonus), but only this time the job is in NYC. Now we all know that the cost of living in NYC is a lot more than Chicago, so we were a little offended by that. In addition, S wanted a 2 year guarantee on salary and bonus( in his industry asking for a guarantee is a norm). We especially wanted the guarantee after what happened with him with this company late last year. We didn't want to be in the same boat, S looking for a job a year or so from now.

So after many negotiations, Ungrateful Company came back with a little more money but no guarantees. Again, base on experience, we figured that the guarantee was essential with this company. To make a long story short, they couldn't meet what we wanted and as of right now S is drafting a letter to decline the offer.

I am at a lost, I feel so bad for S. There are times that I wished they never contacted him about potentially going back--he was starting to forget and move on from what happened. But this experience pulled him back. He is so frustrated and depress and he feels like his career is over and I don't know how to help him. I feel so sad seeing him this way and it just breaks my heart. Everyday, I pray that today will be a better day for him, that maybe today we will get a job offer or a job interview.

So, for now, S will continue to plug along, hoping that sometime soon he will find a job that he loves. But for now, I feel that this experience is robbing us from being completely happy about our p. It is sad to say that being unemployed and being p is not the best combination.

A load off my shoulder

2006-06-12T13:33:00.000-04:00

Updated with u/s pictures!!

After a weekend of worrying and anxiety--I went to S crying on Saturday convinced my boobs were shrinking and that the only pregnancy symptom I have was slowly going away!! Poor guy, I think I am totally driving him crazy--today's ultrasound proved that things are just going fine.

We have one beautiful baby!!! One baby that has a really strong heartbeat!! Not only did we see a flicker on the screen we heard it(the heartbeat was measuring at 120 bpm)!! The wand lady amplified the volume and asked us "are you ready to hear your baby's heartbeat?" It was so amazing and unreal. All I remember was looking at that screen and I could feel S's hand squeezing my hand. She was really good at explaining everything and she just kept saying everything looks great.

So for now, I feel like a load is off my shoulder....I know I still have a long way to go, but hearing that heartbeat just makes a world of a difference!

P.S. I will try to put some pictures later tonight when I get home, I just couldn't wait to post this.

I also get to stop one of my progesterone suppositories--either the injection or the gel--I think we can all guess which one is going to go!

Who said this was going to be easy??

2006-06-05T11:18:00.000-04:00

Today was my third beta at 5w4d my HCG level is 11,205, progesterone is 65.5. Again, favorite nurse said it looks good.

I always thought that once you get P after suffering IF things will be easy peasy...well was I wrong! I worry all the time, and sometimes I wonder if I never had to suffer through IF if I would feel the same way. I try not to worry and think of all the bad things that can happen and I find it very difficult to do. The last two days, after I pull out my crinone suppository, I noticed pinkish blood on the applicator....it is really a small amount but of course I was worried. This happened last weekend also which caused me lots of panic so I had to call the doctor. He said that 30%-40% of their patients bleed during pregnancy and mine might just be an irritation of the cervix due to the crinone--of course this didn't stop me from following up with Dr. Google and I did find information that backs up his theory. So at my appointment this morning(since the same thing was happening again) for my blood draw, I spoke to the nurse and she said the same thing. (P.S. I was afraid to write about this because I was thinking that if I acknowledge it happening, I might actually start bleeding and not just this small smearing on my suppositories).

Then to top it all of...I am suffering from a really bad cold and sore throat!! Argh! And again, since I am an IF patient and very paranoid, I am afraid to take any medication because in my super paranoid mind, I am thinking that I might miscarry if I take any medication that is not necessary. So instead, I suffer and whine--I am out of control!

In the meantime, I try to find P signs to ease my mind. Once in a while I catch myself touching my tatas to make sure that they are still sore--which they are, but honestly I thought it was going to be 2x or 3x as sore. Once or twice this weekend, I thought I felt nauseated, but I think this was due to my cold/sore throat...so who knows. Oh and I have lots and lots of gas!! Lovely..

Unfortunately, I don't think that even if these things I am worrying about right now goes away, I will relax, instead, I will just find another thing to worry about--I don't think the anxiety and worrying will go away until I take home a baby. So for now I will wait for the u/s on the 12th, I am pretty sure with much worry and anxiety.

Inching a little bit more

2006-05-30T13:47:00.000-04:00

The second beta was today and it was 1,523 and progesterone is 69.2--according to favorite nurse this is very good!!

A part of me still can't believe that this is really happening....that at the end of all this I might actually have a baby. I am trying to stay as positive as I can and trying not to think of the negative. I will try to enjoy this as long as I can.

Again, thank you for all of your support and kind words!

I Can Breathe!

2006-05-26T13:21:00.000-04:00

HCG=297

Progesterone=55.3

Whew...I don't even know what to say at this point..I am beyond happiness and a little shock...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!

4 Frosties

2006-05-25T10:13:00.000-04:00

I couldn't wait to get the letter from the lab so I called to find out how many frosties we have and I have 4!!! Wow, I really can't believe this...I thought they said that 1 of the blastocysts during our transfer wasn't good enough to freeze--so I am not sure where the 4th one came from-but I am not complaining. I am amazed that 6 out of our 7 eggs made it to transfer or became a frostie. Hopefully I won't need these guys after tomorrow...at least for nine months! I can hope can't I??

Feeling blah...

2006-05-23T08:41:00.000-04:00

I am almost at the end of this 2ww, Friday is beta day. I am having a really hard time describing my emotions at this point--maybe because it is a hodge podge of everything. Sometimes I feel just fine, that this will work out, and then there are times that I feel fear slowly creeping in-I feel a knot in my throat, my chest and my stomach and I can't breathe (okay, maybe this is not fear, it is more like a panic attack). I know that there is nothing else I can do at this point but sit and wait. Either my little guys implanted and they are alive or they are gone by now. I have no control of anything that is going on at this point-I just have to accept my faith and if things don't work out we have to be strong and do this all over again. But I hope we don't have to face this.

We decided that S will get the results from the clinic and he will find a way to break the news to me-good or bad. I will give him a list of questions to ask for both a negative and positive outcome-because based on history he needs some coaching on the questions category.

On a positive note, if you guys are feeling up to it and want to hear some positive news on blogland, stop by Mellie. Mellie's blog is the first blog I found on IF and I posted my first ever IF comment on her blog! By reading her blog, I realized that I can meet some wonderful women who will be by my side thru this journey.

But in the meantime, if you can send some positive vibes to me and my cycle sister Sube in the next couple of days. We are cycle sisters to the T, we had a meltdown on the same day, we were retrieved on the same day, we both had 7 eggs fertilized and now we have our beta on the same day! My wish is that we continue this trend and we can celebrate together!

Bed rest, waiting and other stuff

2006-05-19T09:22:00.000-04:00

So it's been 3dp5dt and I am finally back at work. I realized that bed rest is not a lot of fun-there is a lot of bad TV out there. S said I am not a very good patient-unfortunately I have to agree. Oh well, I tried my best. I did cheat a few times, I went down to the office a few times to check on everyone's blog and check email and I had a girlfriend visit me yesterday with her 6 month old baby(I am pretty sure that holding the baby was not part of the bed rest prescription) to bring me lunch-she was very sweet.

Other than waiting-which I realized is what IVF is all about. You wait to cycle, you wait to take your meds, you wait for retrieval, you wait for fertilization, you wait for transfer and then you wait for beta! Oy! So, since I am on the subject of waiting, I still don't know what is going on with our 3 remaining embryos. I believe during my transfer they told us that they will send us a letter about the status of the 3 embryos and to see if they can be frozen. I find this odd since I've never heard of this practice--I thought they would just call you for an update. And I just took my valium when they came to talk to us so again, I was not coherent. Note to self--give S a list of questions to ask if we have to do this again, because obviously I can't communicate when I am all drugged up. So, obviously we are waiting for that letter.

S's parents are flying in today for a visit and staying until Monday. I am glad that they are coming because this will distract me during the 2ww-hopefully the weekend will fly by!

Happy Transfer Day!

2006-05-16T16:22:00.000-04:00

Today we transferred 2 beautiful embryos. The embryologist told us that they look great and beautiful. We are very excited and hopeful. We are very happy that we've come this far and just hoping that we will get some good news in the next couple of weeks. Oh, and they didn't give us any pictures-I guess they said they didn't do that. Oh well, I was hoping that we were going to have some pictures to share with our future children.

Out of the 5 remaining embryos, one stop growing, another one made it to blastocysts but the quality was not very good so they recommended not freezing it. And there are 3 more that they are still in the process of getting to the blastocysts stage and they are watching those to see if they can be frozen.

So for now, S and I are taking this all in and and counting our blessings--and also celebrating S's 37th b-day-life is great! Thanks everyone for all the support in the last few days/weeks!

We made it to day 5!

2006-05-14T13:09:00.000-04:00

Yes, we did-we are very ecstatic! We received the phone call this morning from the clinic that we are going to be doing a day 5 transfer. We have no idea how many embryos are still growing, but it must be a good sign that they are waiting until day 5. I am so proud of those little guys-they are strong and they keep growing and I couldn't ask for anything more!

In the meantime, if you haven't already please stop by Thalia to give her some much needed love and support.

I hope everyone had a good weekend-I hope by next year, we will all be celebrating mother's day or at least on our way to celebrating this day!

Waiting...

2006-05-13T16:15:00.000-04:00

First of all I just want to say thank you for all the support yesterday....after I got my thoughts and emotions together...and especially after reading Sube post, my cycle sister, I realized that I should feel really lucky of the 7 beautiful embryos that we have. Her excitement and happiness is so contagious,and she is right..how can I not feel happy about my 7? After reading her post, I felt like such a heel for complaining/venting about my 7 embryos. And so after my short meltdown, I realized how lucky and fortunate we are. I hope that the 7 beautiful embryos are growing and they are strong and what ever happens I am just happy that we got this far.

Right now we are still waiting to see if we are doing a 3 or 5 day transfer. We got a call from the clinic earlier today and they really didn't give us anymore information. They said to call the clinic tomorrow at 7:30 and we will find out if we will do the transfer tomorrow or get pushed to Tuesday. I asked how many embryos are left and they didn't know...I guess the lab doesn't update them. I am assuming that they are a few good embryos left other wise they would have given us the bad news by now. So I am sitting here patiently..and I will be happy with either day. Both days are fine, mother's day or S's b-day..how can you go wrong.

So I received my first PIO shot last night...I was so nervous about it, but it wasn't bad at all. Maybe icing it for more than 5 minutes help, so by the time S gave me the shot my butt was completely numb. It was kind of funny because we went out last night to celebrate S's birthday and he was drinking a cocktail-which is very normal for us. As we were talking and joking around about our 7 embryos and how they are the coolest embryos in the lab right now we were cracking up and just having a good time. The PIO shot was on my mind all day so I asked him if he read his manual/instructions over and as I finished my question, I zeroed in on his hand holding his cocktail and I started to get scared. He looks at his cocktail and said "maybe I shouldn't be drinking before your butt shot". So just imagine how I got more scared after that. Luckily he did a really good job-I think going to see a jazz show before the butt shot help a ton!

Again, thank you so much for all of the support and kind words yesterday...I am so lucky to have found all of you!

Seven...I am not feeling lucky

2006-05-12T13:16:00.000-04:00

So I just received our fertilization report and out of the 12 eggs, 5 were immature and the seven that were mature all fertilized. To say that I am disappointed is an understatement. Again, with our numbers coming in, I was really hoping for better results. I guess my wish of freezing some embryos are now old news. This is so hard and frustrating..I just feel like nothing has gone our way since we started this cycle. I think I was producing too many follicles too fast and not giving them enough time to develop. I can't help but think of the next step since my hopes for this cycle is slowly and painfully being crushed. I doubt we will make it to a day 5 transfer, since we only have 7 to go with. S doesn't understand why I am so sad and disappointed. He said 7 is good and this is the closest we've ever been to being pregnant. I know he is right, but I still can't snap out of this.

So if we do a day 3 transfer, it will be Mother's Day--how appropriate, if we make it to Day 5 it will be Tuesday and ironically that is S's birthday.

A Dozen Eggs

2006-05-11T13:33:00.000-04:00

This morning Dr. K retrieved a dozen eggs. He said this was really good, I was still pretty groggy when he came to tell us the results so I wasn't able to respond or ask questions--which I really wanted too once what he said sank in. I have to admit that I was a little disappointed with the results, I guess I was hoping that they were going to retrieved more eggs since I had such good numbers going in. Maybe this is the reason that they don't want you to put too much weight on the daily numbers. So I keep telling myself that this is good..quality vs quantity.

Thanks everyone for giving us well wishes and thinking of us..now we sit and wait to hear about fertilization tomorrow. But for now I will go back to the couch because I can hardly keep my eyes open.

There's a party in my ovaries and I wasn't invited!

2006-05-08T09:08:00.000-04:00

We are up to 27 follicles and 21 follicles are measuring over 10mm! Woo-hoo! I feel like my ovaries are having a party and they forgot to invite me! But I am not complaining. I have 9 on the right and 11 on the left. My estrogen level is...ready for this....3,107!! I didn't even think it went up that high! We are scheduled for Thursday retrieval, I can't believe that the stim phase went by so quickly.

I am not sure if I mentioned that there are almost 100 women doing IVF with Dr. K this month. I think this is a lot but according to favorite nurse this is normal. Of all the doctors in the clinic, he has the most patients and he also has the highest success rate. I don't know if this is good or bad, but I figure I can't really worry about it.

Now for the somewhat sad note....I have not heard from my parents at all since I started stims..not even to ask how we are doing. It makes me really sad, I will probably go into retrieval without them knowing about it. This is typical, so I am not even sure why I am complaining about it. I guess it is because I had a meltdown yesterday at church. A bunch (50!!) of kids were celebrating their holy communion yesterday and the church was packed with kids, toddlers, babies and pregnant bellies. I sat there thinking of what we are going thru, how my parents haven't called and I had a major meltdown. I am blaming it all on drugs, it makes me feel better that I have a reason for this meltdown vs saying that I am emotional/crazy etc.

Ovaries are playing along nicely

2006-05-06T19:47:00.000-04:00

Today's monitoring went much better than last Thursday. I do have to mention that for the first time I didn't have a Wand Lady do the monitoring...I had Mr Wand. That was weird since I've always had a Wand Lady do all my u/s. Looks like both of my ovaries are playing along nicely. I have 12 measurable follicles so far, 7 on the left and 5 on the right (there are other follicles that Mr. Wand didn't measure). 7 of the 12 are measuring over 10 mm. This looks good right girls? I keep telling myself that quality is better than quantity and don't get too obsessed with the # of follicles...so I will try this thinking for now...let see how long it will last. My E2 is 896...I think this is good for where I am with my stimulations, I finished day 6 yesterday. Favorite nurse said that I continue my medication, no changes and I am going back Monday morning for more monitoring. So I guess, so far so good...I am keeping my fingers crossed.

How many follicles?

2006-05-04T15:13:00.000-04:00

So I am a little peeved this morning. I went to my u/s and blood work and was not happy at all about the u/s. For all of my past u/s, whoever is my Wand lady shows me the screen and points out my ovaries and how many little follicles are growing. Well guess what??? This did not happen this morning...on my 1st u/s for my 1st IVF!! I am obsess with numbers...come on guys I am CPA, what do you expect?? Of course I want to know numbers!! I asked Wand Lady after how I am doing and she said oh..pretty good, your biggest follicles is measuring at around 10. I asked her how many follicles I have and she said about 8-9 per ovary. Well, since I couldn't see it and I didn't see her count it, I will take that as a grain of salt! Sorry I am venting, I just really want to know what is going on inside me and this is super frustrating.

So finally favorite nurse called me this afternoon and I am to continue with my medication ( I did decrease gonal-F to 150 last night from 225 units). I have to go for another u/s blood work on Saturday. This time we have to go to the "big-outside the city-facility" between 6:30 am to 8:00 am! Yikes! S is going to love this one! Hopefully I will get better information at that time.