Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

Monday, June 19, 2006

Torn

Since last Thursday, I've had mix feelings on how I am going to write this post. Thursday was a heartbreaking day because my cycle sister Sube lost her baby that day. Sube and I started this journey together and we were rooting each other the entire time--as some of you already know, we were retrieved the same day and we had the same # of eggs fertilized. On beta day, I was so nervous that one of us will get a negative--I just didn't know how to handle this news. The entire time that I was on my 2ww, Sube was on my mind, I kept wondering how she was doing--if she was handling the wait with much more strength and grace than I did. So when we both received positive betas on the same day, I was more than ecstatic. I was imagining how we will both be going through this journey together--and how we will continue to support and cheer each other on the next few months. Thursday's news was just devastating. My heart was breaking for Sube and at the same time I was feeling an enormous guilt--why am I the lucky one? It is so unfair, wasn't it enough that we suffer through IF--shouldn't we have a free ticket once we get pregnant? I just don't understand it. A part of me is almost paralyzed--I have no idea what to do from here. Should I stay quiet for now? Am I a painful reminder of what could have been, not just to Sube but to all the other women who were cycling at the same time(Thalia, Nikole,Pamplemousse,Kris)? Mellie posted feeling guilty but I never really understood what she meant until last week...

If you are interested in hearing about some P news--keep reading, if not you can stop here.

My 7w4d ultrasound went well. The baby doubled his/her size from last week. The heartbeat was 169 bpm...which according to favorite nurse is really good. I go back for a third and final u/s next Monday.

As for P symptoms it is kind of weird. I am not sick-sick, but I don't feel like completely myself either. I've had a few throw up episode in the last few days--I mainly feel like my food is stuck in my throat, then all of a sudden it all comes up. Nothing really tastes good right now so I am hardly eating, although anything sour sounds very appetizing. I've been having some really weird dreams:
1. Feeding granola and raisins to a baby and I started eating and choking on it(by the way I hate raisins).
2. I was Nikole Kidman and I was on a broadway show in NY. I was freaking out right before the show bec. I didn't know my lines. I had a halo and wings...don't really know what this means.
3. I dreamt that I spent the night swimming in the river--remember I don't know how to swim
4. Most recent dream last night-I was with a girlfriend with her baby and we were in Mexico trying to find a pre-school for her 1 year old boy!!

15 Comments:

Anonymous Sarah said...

Glad to hear that things are going so well for you. I am having exactly the same kind of stomach feelings and bizzaro dreams. Today I actually napped and was dreaming that I couldn't wake up. No matter what I tried, I couldn't get myself to wake up. Finally I started yelling "help" and woke myself up with the sound of my voice. Fortunately the neighbours weren't home or they would have thought something was wrong!

June 19, 2006 5:28 PM  
Blogger heather said...

I am down stairs listening to one of my twins restless in his sleep, pregnancy is a journey with many destinations and some like your friend will end early, remember she will at least be comforted by the fact she actually got pregnant although obviously devestated, most people at your stage don't even know they are pregnant and don't miss the loss, you have invested heavily and sadly you are with people in the same vunerable position , I went it alone because I knew either I would feel either guiltly or envious, it work second cycle for us and I am blessed,

June 19, 2006 5:35 PM  
Blogger Angie said...

What wonderful news! Truly wonderul news! I'm so happy for you :-)

June 19, 2006 5:47 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I felt the same way when I read Sube's news. I was worried that one of us would get a negative, then I was worried about one of us having a bad u/s. It breaks my heart that this has happened to Sube. I know how painful it is to go through a miscarriage and I wish that she didn't have to go through this. I wish that there was something I could do or say, but I know there isn't. I feel guilty that I'm pregnant when Sube has lost her baby, and when other friends of mine are still trying. Why do these awful things happen to people? I don't know, but I do know that it isn't fair.

I am really happy to hear that the baby is doing well and that the heartbeat is nice and strong. I hope that things continue to go well for you.

June 19, 2006 6:18 PM  
Blogger sube said...

Oh, sweetie. I don't know what to say. Thank you for your kind words (you too, Amy), but I don't want you to feel guilty. Ever. I will still be rooting you on, and I know you'll do the same for me whatever J and I decide to do next. I continue to be happy for you, even in my sadness. You need to have a happy and healthy pregnancy ... for both of us.

June 19, 2006 7:03 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so very happy that things are going so well for you so far. I hope that everything continues to go smoothly. Hugs!

June 19, 2006 8:08 PM  
Blogger Sunnie said...

Chicago and Seattle are better cities to have such great women like you and Sube. This is such a heartwrenching journey, full of twists and turns. We all want to end up pregnant, albeit together, during the same cycles....I am not sure if there is an answer to the guilt. I hope you have a happy. healthy pregnancy.

June 19, 2006 8:22 PM  
Blogger Krista said...

Wow, I was going to try to be eloquent but Sube has left me a blubbering mess. When I read Sube's news I literally sobbed, but I am so, so happy that things are going well for you. Can't wait to hear about the final ultrasound. Final... how will you cope without pictures?

June 19, 2006 8:23 PM  
Blogger Just another Jenny said...

I have the same feeling, that we should all get a free ride once it works. There has been so much bad news lately but there has to be some good to remind us of why we put ourselfes through all this crap.
I am very happy to read that everything is going well for you.

June 20, 2006 12:19 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

sweetie I'm sorry you're feeling guilty. We don't need you to. We're happy for you at the same time as we're sad for ourselves. congratulations on a great scan, I'm so pleased that the baby is doing so well.

June 20, 2006 5:50 PM  
Blogger Kris said...

I'm sorry for your guilty feelings, too. I wish you didn't have them but I have always assumed if I ever get that far, I'd feel them, too. I don't think anyone here could ever begrudge you your joy. I hope your news continues on it's happy path. I truly am thrilled for you.

Oh, and if there is anyway we can make "IF patients who get pregnant are not permitted to miscarry" a rule, I'd be very interested.

June 20, 2006 6:41 PM  
Blogger Beagle said...

The reminders are everywhere, they are not your fault so you should not feel guilty in any way. We all wish you and yours only the best and are glad that there is some good news out here too!

June 21, 2006 11:05 AM  
Blogger Mellie said...

It's so hard to deal with our happiness and fears about our good news, when there's so much out there to be sad about.

But I'm so glad to hear the details of your 7w4d scan and that all is well. That's a nice strong heartbeat (mine was around 151bpm on the same day)!

June 23, 2006 2:14 PM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

I'm so pleased that everything is going well, and that your u/s showed such growth. It's amazing, no?

I was very moved by your post; it brought tears to my eyes. This whole process we're in is such an emotional landslide. I have a friend here in town--both of us had 3 m/c, and we got pregnant on practically the same day in April. Those 10 weeks of pregnancy were so wonderful to go through with her--we shared our fears, our excitement, our anxiety with every appt. It seemed too good to be true that we could both be so lucky. I was terrified when I found out that I was m/c that I wouldn't be able to stand to continue our friendship, that it would just be too painful. But, I think I'm in a different place now, which suprised me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that despite my sadness, I send blessings to all of those little miracles--that they continue to grow, and that everything works out just the way it should.

So, sending many blessings your way.

June 25, 2006 12:14 PM  
Blogger ChicagoGirl said...

I'm so happy to hear things are going well for you. Don't feel guilty at all -- you are a shining reminder that good things can come from the difficult IF journey! I've got my fingers crossed that eventually we can all follow in your footsteps!

June 26, 2006 10:48 AM  

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