To Work or Not to Work
So here I am on a Saturday night...I should be pumping milk for B but instead I am blogging. I am returning to work on Monday...and I am not sure what will happen from there. I originally thought that I won't go back to work--that I was going to stay home with B and enjoy being a mommy and move to N.e.w. Yo.rk. But a part of me is not sure if this is really what I want to do. I feel guilty about this, but the entire time I was on maternity leave, I was constantly checking my email to see what was going on. I love B to death, I love being with him, but at the same time, I feel like I need to do something for me.
So here is the deal, I am going back for a week...mainly to tie things up since I left so abruptly...the little guy couldn't wait. I already told my boss that we are moving and I asked if I can be transferred to the office in N.e.w. Yo.rk. I was surprise that she was more open about the entire idea. Unfortunately it is not up to her, it is up to the head of our department. She talked to her, and the bottom line is that I can't have my current job and move, but they are willing to try and give me some special projects for six months and see what happens from there.
At first, I thought that it was going to be a flat out no and I was going to accept that and the decision will be made for me that I will stay home with B. But now, I actually have an option and I am so torn about what to do. I think I have to go back to work and see what it is like...this is the only way I will figure it out if I really want to work or not. Besides, if after 2 months or so I don't like it, then I can quit and say that at least I gave it a try.
So here is what will happen the next couple of weeks, I am going back full time for a week. S's mom is coming in to watch B during this week. If I decide to keep working after that, I will ask for a transitional schedule(until we move), work 3 days a week, my girlfriend's mom is willing to watch B for 3 days. The next hurdle is child care in N.e.w. Yo.rk.--but that is another story on it's own so I will save that for another day.
So wish me luck....right now I feel so guilty that I feel like I am choosing my career over my baby. I was looking at him tonight when I was feeding him and I just started crying, knowing that next week I will only have a few hours with him each day. I don't understand why I can't make a decision and I didn't realize that it was going to be this hard.
So here is the deal, I am going back for a week...mainly to tie things up since I left so abruptly...the little guy couldn't wait. I already told my boss that we are moving and I asked if I can be transferred to the office in N.e.w. Yo.rk. I was surprise that she was more open about the entire idea. Unfortunately it is not up to her, it is up to the head of our department. She talked to her, and the bottom line is that I can't have my current job and move, but they are willing to try and give me some special projects for six months and see what happens from there.
At first, I thought that it was going to be a flat out no and I was going to accept that and the decision will be made for me that I will stay home with B. But now, I actually have an option and I am so torn about what to do. I think I have to go back to work and see what it is like...this is the only way I will figure it out if I really want to work or not. Besides, if after 2 months or so I don't like it, then I can quit and say that at least I gave it a try.
So here is what will happen the next couple of weeks, I am going back full time for a week. S's mom is coming in to watch B during this week. If I decide to keep working after that, I will ask for a transitional schedule(until we move), work 3 days a week, my girlfriend's mom is willing to watch B for 3 days. The next hurdle is child care in N.e.w. Yo.rk.--but that is another story on it's own so I will save that for another day.
So wish me luck....right now I feel so guilty that I feel like I am choosing my career over my baby. I was looking at him tonight when I was feeding him and I just started crying, knowing that next week I will only have a few hours with him each day. I don't understand why I can't make a decision and I didn't realize that it was going to be this hard.
posted by MoMo at 10:29 PM
6 Comments:
I'm totally considering working myself: not 'going back' because I haven't really worked in a while. I can't wait to read about your experience.
Right now it seems like doing something for me is really part of staying sort of sane. TTC and pregnancy take away so many choices. Or rather, you have to make so many choices based on your partner or your fertility or a pregnancy. And then after birth you have to make so many decisions for your baby. Although I still can't sleep at night for wondering if my baby will suddenly stop breathing (thanks for the anxiety that never leaves, IF!), I still think I'd like to work again, soon. Soon like September or October. So, yeah: can't wait to read more here.
Don't feel quilty, you have to do what is right for you. I know lots of women who are better mom's because they went back to work and have a career that they love and come home each day fulfilled. They were miserable when they were home all day with no adults to talk to and not "in the loop". The problem is that sometimes it takes us so long to get pregnant that our career's become part of our identity, and that's hard to give up.
I think going back on a trial basis is a great idea. If you love it, then don't feel guilty about it! If you don't, then you know what to do.
Can't wait to read what it is.
I think that going back on a trial basis is a great idea. If it doesn't work you can leave. At least you will know that you tried it.
Momo,
It sounds like such a hard decision! Of course, I'm so not there yet so I don't have any real advice on the subject, but I wish it didn't seem like you were choosing work over B.
But I know it does feel like that...
I hope once you and the hubs get settled in NY you'll be able to make a choice and do whatever feels the best for you and your family.
Keep us posted girl!!
You're not choosing career over B, you're trying to make the choice that will make you happy and satisfied, and in the end that will be what is best for B, to have a happy mommy.
And oy, NYC child care...but it is totally doable, trust me. One step at a time.
When I read your post, I can't help but feel guilty about how much time off we get up here. I can't imagine going back to work right now at all. It seems like I've just gotten into a bit of a routine and am getting to know them. On the other hand, getting out of the house can be such a good thing. Don't feel guilty, whatever decision you make will be the best one for you and your family.
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