Fear and Guilt-what a combination!
So finally it hit me yesterday--I am pretty darn scared about this cycle!! When we first decided to go for IVF for a second time, I have to admit I was a little too confident. It worked once so what is there to worry about-right? WRONG! Okay maybe the first few weeks I was a little too confident-but as I am at the eve of starting my stims I thought I was going to have a breakdown yesterday. I started thinking about the chances of success and I just felt fear taking over my body!! All of a sudden, I couldn't breath and all I could think about was all the what ifs-poor responder, no fertilization, no viable embryos, bfn! Of course I know all this and I am not new to this, but as expected you have the same emotions regardless if this is attempt #1 or #100. And after fear-anger takes over-again what's new. Why does it have to be so hard us-and all you ladies out there-why can't something be easy for once? Why? Why? Why? I know I can ask that question a million times and nothing will change. And one more thing-how long can I stay angry? I mean, I have a beautiful child-isn't that enough? As all of us said a thousand times before, IF will stay with us forever.
And then there is the guilt-guilt that I am not as focused with this IVF cycle as I was with my previous attempt. With B's cycle-I was obsessed with everything. I knew when and where I was doing my injections to the T. I had everything documented and I was on the phone with a nurse with the simplest question. With this one, I have to constantly remind myself, oh yeah, I have to do my lupron shot today or when was I suppose to take my last pill. I feel like I am not 100% committed to this cycle. And maybe this is a good thing-everyone told me the first time to relax but again with my obsession, I couldn't physically and mentally do it. Let's all be honest, having a child changes everything-I don't have the time to stare at all my drugs and organize them-I mean I am embarrassed to say that for the most part-other than the medication that needs to be refrigerated-the drugs are still in the original box that it was mailed in! Some of my friends told me that this is normal-you are just more relax with your second-(maybe if getting pregnant was easy-I might buy this theory)-and this is why second born children are more laid back. This feeling of guilt is making me uncomfortable-and more nervous. It just doesn't feel right.
I went for my baseline u/s this morning. It was very weird since it is not my clinic and I felt like an outsider. Everyone was very nice to me (nursed/receptionist etc) but for some reason I felt like the doctor gave me the cold shoulders. BTW, since this clinic is so small(1 doctor)-the doctor does all the u/s!!! This is a treat for me at my clinic I hardly saw my doctor. I met him 4 times-consult, retrieval, transfer and when we got discharged. I sort of understand why he wasn't very friendly, I am not his patient. Plus he is the only infertility doctor in this town so he might be wondering why I didn't even do a consult with him. So it feels really weird that he is doing my u/s and he is not super friendly. Oh well, nothing I can do about that.
Okay ladies, please wish me luck and send me some good vibes-god knows I need them. I start stims tomorrow night. My protocol is the same as the last time so hopefully there aren't any surprises.
And then there is the guilt-guilt that I am not as focused with this IVF cycle as I was with my previous attempt. With B's cycle-I was obsessed with everything. I knew when and where I was doing my injections to the T. I had everything documented and I was on the phone with a nurse with the simplest question. With this one, I have to constantly remind myself, oh yeah, I have to do my lupron shot today or when was I suppose to take my last pill. I feel like I am not 100% committed to this cycle. And maybe this is a good thing-everyone told me the first time to relax but again with my obsession, I couldn't physically and mentally do it. Let's all be honest, having a child changes everything-I don't have the time to stare at all my drugs and organize them-I mean I am embarrassed to say that for the most part-other than the medication that needs to be refrigerated-the drugs are still in the original box that it was mailed in! Some of my friends told me that this is normal-you are just more relax with your second-(maybe if getting pregnant was easy-I might buy this theory)-and this is why second born children are more laid back. This feeling of guilt is making me uncomfortable-and more nervous. It just doesn't feel right.
I went for my baseline u/s this morning. It was very weird since it is not my clinic and I felt like an outsider. Everyone was very nice to me (nursed/receptionist etc) but for some reason I felt like the doctor gave me the cold shoulders. BTW, since this clinic is so small(1 doctor)-the doctor does all the u/s!!! This is a treat for me at my clinic I hardly saw my doctor. I met him 4 times-consult, retrieval, transfer and when we got discharged. I sort of understand why he wasn't very friendly, I am not his patient. Plus he is the only infertility doctor in this town so he might be wondering why I didn't even do a consult with him. So it feels really weird that he is doing my u/s and he is not super friendly. Oh well, nothing I can do about that.
Okay ladies, please wish me luck and send me some good vibes-god knows I need them. I start stims tomorrow night. My protocol is the same as the last time so hopefully there aren't any surprises.
posted by MoMo at 2:58 PM
6 Comments:
Best of luck! I wonder if in some way the first cycle after a success is even harder! Because like a typical infertile, we can't imagine that we could really be that lucky twice, right?
Well, that's crap. You are going to have an AMAZING cycle! My fingers are crossed for you and i'll be cheering you on every step of the way!
Good Luck. I really do think you have a good chance, but the fear is normal . . . that's what blogging is for!
Good luck! I think you have a great chance of success. By the time my last cycle rollled around I wasn't even remotely obsessive, and it still worked, so don't worry too much about that.
Good Luck!! Sure B keeps you busy and won't allow you to obsess like you did with his cycle. However, that could also be a very good thing (think 2ww here).
Good luck good luck good luck! And you wouldn't be human if you weren't scared at all.
I don't know how to email you directly from the comment you left. I would LOVE to get together in the city! email me at erica74 @ gmail . com (no spaces 8-))
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