Ouch!

So AF finally arrived on Sunday with a gusto. I was actually very sad--because now for sure we have to go thru IVF. The little hope that I was carrying that maybe I won't need any intervention is gone. The idea that I will get pregnant on my own is vanished(this is probably it for us..if we get lucky we are stopping at 2 pregnancies-notice I didn't say 2 babies b/c you never know what IVF will give you!). So I will never know if my body is capable if getting pregnant on my own. This made me very sad and depress-why not me??? I know I've asked myself this question a thousand times and I've been mad and angry. But I realized that getting pregnant and having a child doesn't erase these feelings. I am still angry, bitter, upset. I feel cheated--why does it have to be so hard all the time? I have friends who plan their pregnancies--I was talking to a friend the other day and she and her husband are going to La.s Ve.gas in a couple of weeks--why?? Because they want to be pregnant by January or February and so they want a vacation before. I am pretty sure they will get pregnant-they already have a daughter and they also planned that pregnancy. Why can't I do the same thing? Why can't I say-oh I will eat lots of sushi and drink a few bottles of wine because I will be pregnant next month!!! Sigh...

The upside about AF arriving was that I was able to do the saline u/s yesterday. That was lots of fun. My cer.vix is still wide open so lots and lots of saline kept gushing out! I felt bad for the doctor and the technician-especially the technician since she will be cleaning the floor. Oh well. I also went for my day 3 blood work yesterday to a local clinic. It was a totally different experience from my clinic in Chi.ca.go. The office is much smaller and they only have 1 doctor. So it didn't feel like a cattle call. Even though my clinic felt like a cattle call, it was very organized and they get you in and out of there. This place didn't give me that feeling-but I have to say they asked if I wanted juice or water!! What???? So fancy. I think there will be lots of waiting around-maybe this is why they offer you juice or water!! I guess I just have to wait and see.

I started bcp on Sunday. I am a little mad b/c I haven't heard back from the nurse coordinator from my clinic regarding my protocol. I emailed her 2x already and I finally decided to call this morning. I talked to someone-I don't know if it was her assistant or what-but she said to give her 5 business day to respond. If I don't hear from her, give them a call again. Argh!!! so frustrating.

I am a little stressed out about the logistic of this cycle. Now that B is around and we are doing it out-of-town I have to figure out how it is really going to work. It is making my head hurt thinking about it and I think it is to long to make it as a blurb in this post--so I have to post about it separately. Like I need additional stress.