To Work or Not to Work

So here I am on a Saturday night...I should be pumping milk for B but instead I am blogging. I am returning to work on Monday...and I am not sure what will happen from there. I originally thought that I won't go back to work--that I was going to stay home with B and enjoy being a mommy and move to N.e.w. Yo.rk. But a part of me is not sure if this is really what I want to do. I feel guilty about this, but the entire time I was on maternity leave, I was constantly checking my email to see what was going on. I love B to death, I love being with him, but at the same time, I feel like I need to do something for me.

So here is the deal, I am going back for a week...mainly to tie things up since I left so abruptly...the little guy couldn't wait. I already told my boss that we are moving and I asked if I can be transferred to the office in N.e.w. Yo.rk. I was surprise that she was more open about the entire idea. Unfortunately it is not up to her, it is up to the head of our department. She talked to her, and the bottom line is that I can't have my current job and move, but they are willing to try and give me some special projects for six months and see what happens from there.

At first, I thought that it was going to be a flat out no and I was going to accept that and the decision will be made for me that I will stay home with B. But now, I actually have an option and I am so torn about what to do. I think I have to go back to work and see what it is like...this is the only way I will figure it out if I really want to work or not. Besides, if after 2 months or so I don't like it, then I can quit and say that at least I gave it a try.

So here is what will happen the next couple of weeks, I am going back full time for a week. S's mom is coming in to watch B during this week. If I decide to keep working after that, I will ask for a transitional schedule(until we move), work 3 days a week, my girlfriend's mom is willing to watch B for 3 days. The next hurdle is child care in N.e.w. Yo.rk.--but that is another story on it's own so I will save that for another day.

So wish me luck....right now I feel so guilty that I feel like I am choosing my career over my baby. I was looking at him tonight when I was feeding him and I just started crying, knowing that next week I will only have a few hours with him each day. I don't understand why I can't make a decision and I didn't realize that it was going to be this hard.

2 Months

We went to B's 2 months check up last Thursday. Here are the highlights about the appointment and other milestones:

-He now weighs 10 pds 7 oz and is 21 3/4 inches. Still on the small side compared to other 2 month old babies...but he is doing really well and gaining weight tremendously.

-He received 4 shots! It was horrible. Once he figured out what was going on he was screaming. He was fussy the rest of the day and he ended up getting the fever that evening. We were warned about this so it was no surprise, but it was still not fun to deal with it.

-He is smiling at us all the time now--especially in the morning after he's had a good night sleep. He also giggles in his sleep--it is the funniest thing! I can't wait until he giggles when he is awake!

-He loves taking a bath!! One thing to note is that he pees in his tub all the time! My friends told me that girls to this also, you just don't notice it since you don't get that arc! I've learned to just go with the flow, if he pees in the water, there is nothing else I can do--just keep going with what we are doing.

-He is feeding every 4 hours at night! Which is better than every 2 or 3 hours! I hear that other babies are sleeping thru at 6 weeks old...am I jealous, yes a little, but at this point I will take what I can get. I just keep reminding myself that he is only this small for so long so just enjoy every minute of it (this my favorite phrase around 2 or 3 in the morning!!)

-Breastfeeding is going well. I don't know if I can call it breastfeeding since he gets a bottle of breast milk. My milk supply is a lot better--I don't have to give him formula anymore, but at our doctor's visit, the pediatrician recommended that we continue to give him one bottle of formula a day. Apparently, breast milk doesn't have any vitamins and since he likes it anyway, we should just continue. I am okay with this.

-He is getting better about napping...still not fabulous, but I've managed to get him to nap for at least 45 minutes (or more ) in the morning. I am still working on the afternoon nap. He can sleep if I carry him and cuddle him, but once I put him down he is awake!

So that is all I can remember for now...my mom leaves this Wednesday and S will be in NYC this week also. So B and I will be alone....I hope it goes well.