Did that really happen?

I can't believe that in 8 days B will turn 1! Where did the time go? It has been such an amazing 12 months that I can't really put it into words.

Funny, last year at this time, I had no idea that 9 days after Christmas I was going to be having a baby!!! I was ready to have a baby, but I wasn't ready to go into labor a month early! I was in total denial during that time. I remember going to see my doctor the morning of January 3rd and her telling me that I was 4 cm dilated. I was thinking to myself, this is okay-lots of women are stuck at 4 cm and they walk around pregnant for another 2 to 3 weeks!! This is perfectly fine, I am dilating-I am getting a good start-labor will be a piece of cake. As I mentioned before, I went back to work like it was a normal day! This is so insane now that I think about it. I was having contractions the entire time and I was still in denial about this entire labor business. I remember eating lunch with a few of my girlfriends and I was holding on to the sides of the table during my contractions!! I thought I was being all sleek about it, until months later when they brought it up and we were all laughing about it. My girlfriend's husband, who is a radio DJ ate lunch with us that day...and of course the next day he was talking about my experience on the air!! That was hilarious...they gave me a copy of the clip so that I will always remember it.

I wen home shortly after lunch and I remember laying on the floor from the pain. I called my doctor and told her I was having these weird pain-but I didn't think they were contractions-they were about 9 minutes apart. She told me to go to triage when it becomes 5 minutes apart. Did I mention that we were getting the carpets replaced the next day?! So S had to make some last minute phone calls to cancel the appointment. Needless to say our house was a disaster since we had to clear the rooms for the carpet guys. When S came up to get me to go to the hospital, I was in the bathroom. He asked me what I was doing and I said I was trying to do #2-I think once I will do this I will feel much better. I really think I was just constipated!!! This is so funny now, but it wasn't during that time! So, off we go to the hospital with 2 suitcases!!! All the doctors were making fun of us...they wanted to know where we were going! I have to give S credit since we were so unprepared..I think he did a pretty good job!

Here we are, almost a year later and I can't be thankful enough for everything! B is doing so well. He is almost at the verge of walking. I think in the next month he might take his first few steps. He is saying some sorts of words, but I really don't think he knows what they mean. He loves to say, "up", "oh-uh", "dada". He is bored with baby food-he is now on 100% table foods. I have a bunch of frozen foods in the freezer that I have no idea what I will do with them. He is also bored with his milk-drinking 17 ounces a day is a good day for him. He is going thru some major separation anxiety-which is bad if you are vacationing for the holidays and he is around grandma, grandpa and aunt and uncles!!

**Update on IVF #2
I start Lupron shots this Friday, the 28th. I go for my baseline u/s and blood work on January 8th. If everything checks out, I starts stims on the 9th! I can't believe that this is happening. I've been so busy with the holidays and vacation that I haven 't really started focusing on this cycle. Maybe that is a good thing...I need some kind of distraction. I received my shipment of drugs last week and I forgot how overwhelming it was to get those drugs! At least this time, I am not as intimidated.

Ouch!

So AF finally arrived on Sunday with a gusto. I was actually very sad--because now for sure we have to go thru IVF. The little hope that I was carrying that maybe I won't need any intervention is gone. The idea that I will get pregnant on my own is vanished(this is probably it for us..if we get lucky we are stopping at 2 pregnancies-notice I didn't say 2 babies b/c you never know what IVF will give you!). So I will never know if my body is capable if getting pregnant on my own. This made me very sad and depress-why not me??? I know I've asked myself this question a thousand times and I've been mad and angry. But I realized that getting pregnant and having a child doesn't erase these feelings. I am still angry, bitter, upset. I feel cheated--why does it have to be so hard all the time? I have friends who plan their pregnancies--I was talking to a friend the other day and she and her husband are going to La.s Ve.gas in a couple of weeks--why?? Because they want to be pregnant by January or February and so they want a vacation before. I am pretty sure they will get pregnant-they already have a daughter and they also planned that pregnancy. Why can't I do the same thing? Why can't I say-oh I will eat lots of sushi and drink a few bottles of wine because I will be pregnant next month!!! Sigh...

The upside about AF arriving was that I was able to do the saline u/s yesterday. That was lots of fun. My cer.vix is still wide open so lots and lots of saline kept gushing out! I felt bad for the doctor and the technician-especially the technician since she will be cleaning the floor. Oh well. I also went for my day 3 blood work yesterday to a local clinic. It was a totally different experience from my clinic in Chi.ca.go. The office is much smaller and they only have 1 doctor. So it didn't feel like a cattle call. Even though my clinic felt like a cattle call, it was very organized and they get you in and out of there. This place didn't give me that feeling-but I have to say they asked if I wanted juice or water!! What???? So fancy. I think there will be lots of waiting around-maybe this is why they offer you juice or water!! I guess I just have to wait and see.

I started bcp on Sunday. I am a little mad b/c I haven't heard back from the nurse coordinator from my clinic regarding my protocol. I emailed her 2x already and I finally decided to call this morning. I talked to someone-I don't know if it was her assistant or what-but she said to give her 5 business day to respond. If I don't hear from her, give them a call again. Argh!!! so frustrating.

I am a little stressed out about the logistic of this cycle. Now that B is around and we are doing it out-of-town I have to figure out how it is really going to work. It is making my head hurt thinking about it and I think it is to long to make it as a blurb in this post--so I have to post about it separately. Like I need additional stress.

Just like the old days....

Where is AF??? This waiting game is excruciatingly painful....it brings back all bad memories. I am now on day 37 and still no AF!! What the f***?? Argh!! This month is very critical because I need to get some procedures done before the holidays. Oh the holidays-i.e. meaning getting an appointment is almost impossible. I met with my new ob this week and she was nice. I need to get a saline u/s the first 12 days of said period...right now I am scheduled for Tuesday, but that might not happen if AF decides to take the slow boat to Chi.na. And due to the holidays, I am not sure if and how I will get an appointment. In addition, I am highly encourage by my boss to fly to Chi.ca.go the week before Christmas--and I can't book my ticket until AF comes to make sure that I can do the u/s!!! This is so freakin' frustrating!!! Plus, I need to do a day 3 blood and u/s also, and again I can't book my ticket until AF comes to figure out the dates!!! ARGH!!!!!! I am so unbelievable frustrated!! The other issue is that we are leaving for vacation on the 22nd so the saline u/s and day 3 test needs to be completed before we leave!!!

The doctor said I should POAS if I don't get my said period...but I can't get myself to do it. I guess I don't want the disappointment--plus if it is a BFN then the more pis**ed I will be that AF is not showing up and my entire schedule is dependent on her arrival!! My cycle can be anywhere between 27 to as long as 45 days!!! So I really don't want to POAS until I hit day 46. My old ob once said that this plays a factor in us not getting pregnant..my cycles are too long and by the time the egg releases, the egg is too old!!

Oh please...please...please..I just want to get this show on the road.