Breaking up

So I feel like I just broke up with someone...yesterday I was released from my RE's care and I have no more u/s appointments, no more blood draws or follow up appointments. It felt really weird leaving the clinic and saying goodbye to everyone--maybe because I felt like I've lived there for the last 7 months. I know this is not as long as other people, but I just felt this separation anxiety as I was checking out and waiting for my medical records to be printed yesterday. A part of me didn't want to leave the clinic--I know these people, I know the protocol. Now I have to go to my OB and it feels like getting to know someone new and learning all their quirks--it's like building a whole new relationship, I wonder if I the people are going to be as nice and as repsonsive. I know this is not the first time I am going to see my OB--I've been going there for 4 years, but I still feel like a stranger, especially since I only saw her once a year. Before we were officially released from the clinic, we saw Dr. K and he was really nice to us. He told me I am done with my progesterone (yeah!!), and no more baby aspirin! On the way out, he gave me a big hug and he wished us lucked!

On the p front--the baby is doing well, at 8w4d the baby is measuring at 8w5d. The heartbeat was at 161 bpm--which sounded good to us. Everything looks good and we are very happy about it. The baby was upside down yesterday, and every time the wand was hitting it's head, the baby was jerking his/her head. It was pretty funny--I don't think the baby liked us poking around there.

So, my new "relationship" doesn't start until July 12th. For now, I will just sit and wait until then. I have no idea what to expect with the first appointment or "date". I wonder if I will get an u/s at that point. I think I will go through withdrawal in terms of the u/s, I've been spoiled the last few weeks--with pictures and seeing/hearing the heartbeat.

Torn

Since last Thursday, I've had mix feelings on how I am going to write this post. Thursday was a heartbreaking day because my cycle sister Sube lost her baby that day. Sube and I started this journey together and we were rooting each other the entire time--as some of you already know, we were retrieved the same day and we had the same # of eggs fertilized. On beta day, I was so nervous that one of us will get a negative--I just didn't know how to handle this news. The entire time that I was on my 2ww, Sube was on my mind, I kept wondering how she was doing--if she was handling the wait with much more strength and grace than I did. So when we both received positive betas on the same day, I was more than ecstatic. I was imagining how we will both be going through this journey together--and how we will continue to support and cheer each other on the next few months. Thursday's news was just devastating. My heart was breaking for Sube and at the same time I was feeling an enormous guilt--why am I the lucky one? It is so unfair, wasn't it enough that we suffer through IF--shouldn't we have a free ticket once we get pregnant? I just don't understand it. A part of me is almost paralyzed--I have no idea what to do from here. Should I stay quiet for now? Am I a painful reminder of what could have been, not just to Sube but to all the other women who were cycling at the same time(Thalia, Nikole,Pamplemousse,Kris)? Mellie posted feeling guilty but I never really understood what she meant until last week...

If you are interested in hearing about some P news--keep reading, if not you can stop here.

My 7w4d ultrasound went well. The baby doubled his/her size from last week. The heartbeat was 169 bpm...which according to favorite nurse is really good. I go back for a third and final u/s next Monday.

As for P symptoms it is kind of weird. I am not sick-sick, but I don't feel like completely myself either. I've had a few throw up episode in the last few days--I mainly feel like my food is stuck in my throat, then all of a sudden it all comes up. Nothing really tastes good right now so I am hardly eating, although anything sour sounds very appetizing. I've been having some really weird dreams:
1. Feeding granola and raisins to a baby and I started eating and choking on it(by the way I hate raisins).
2. I was Nikole Kidman and I was on a broadway show in NY. I was freaking out right before the show bec. I didn't know my lines. I had a halo and wings...don't really know what this means.
3. I dreamt that I spent the night swimming in the river--remember I don't know how to swim
4. Most recent dream last night-I was with a girlfriend with her baby and we were in Mexico trying to find a pre-school for her 1 year old boy!!

Job Woes

As some of you know, S was laid off from his job late last year and he's been looking for a job since then. S is in the finance industry and as I mentioned before it is a great industry when you are up, but can be very volatile if you are down. He's been working really hard looking for something in the past 8 months and he's been close in getting an offer a few times.

In the last 3 months, his old boss at Ungrateful Company (sorry this is what I choose to call his old company) was fired. Shortly after this happened, people from his old company called to see how he is doing (other than his boss, everyone loved him at this company) and to see if he is interested in coming back. Of course S welcomed the idea and this started the process. He flew to NYC and talked to a bunch of people blah...blah...blah... The job sounded really interesting--it is a higher profile job than his old job here in Chicago and this job will be in NYC. A few weeks later (actually, the same day that we got the positive beta) he received an offer. The offer was not what we wanted, which we expected since we figured we would have to go thru some negotiations. To make a long story short, they were offering him the same $$ that he made here(or possibly less depending on his bonus), but only this time the job is in NYC. Now we all know that the cost of living in NYC is a lot more than Chicago, so we were a little offended by that. In addition, S wanted a 2 year guarantee on salary and bonus( in his industry asking for a guarantee is a norm). We especially wanted the guarantee after what happened with him with this company late last year. We didn't want to be in the same boat, S looking for a job a year or so from now.

So after many negotiations, Ungrateful Company came back with a little more money but no guarantees. Again, base on experience, we figured that the guarantee was essential with this company. To make a long story short, they couldn't meet what we wanted and as of right now S is drafting a letter to decline the offer.

I am at a lost, I feel so bad for S. There are times that I wished they never contacted him about potentially going back--he was starting to forget and move on from what happened. But this experience pulled him back. He is so frustrated and depress and he feels like his career is over and I don't know how to help him. I feel so sad seeing him this way and it just breaks my heart. Everyday, I pray that today will be a better day for him, that maybe today we will get a job offer or a job interview.

So, for now, S will continue to plug along, hoping that sometime soon he will find a job that he loves. But for now, I feel that this experience is robbing us from being completely happy about our p. It is sad to say that being unemployed and being p is not the best combination.

A load off my shoulder

Updated with u/s pictures!!

After a weekend of worrying and anxiety--I went to S crying on Saturday convinced my boobs were shrinking and that the only pregnancy symptom I have was slowly going away!! Poor guy, I think I am totally driving him crazy--today's ultrasound proved that things are just going fine.

We have one beautiful baby!!! One baby that has a really strong heartbeat!! Not only did we see a flicker on the screen we heard it(the heartbeat was measuring at 120 bpm)!! The wand lady amplified the volume and asked us "are you ready to hear your baby's heartbeat?" It was so amazing and unreal. All I remember was looking at that screen and I could feel S's hand squeezing my hand. She was really good at explaining everything and she just kept saying everything looks great.

So for now, I feel like a load is off my shoulder....I know I still have a long way to go, but hearing that heartbeat just makes a world of a difference!

P.S. I will try to put some pictures later tonight when I get home, I just couldn't wait to post this.




I also get to stop one of my progesterone suppositories--either the injection or the gel--I think we can all guess which one is going to go!

Who said this was going to be easy??

Today was my third beta at 5w4d my HCG level is 11,205, progesterone is 65.5. Again, favorite nurse said it looks good.

I always thought that once you get P after suffering IF things will be easy peasy...well was I wrong! I worry all the time, and sometimes I wonder if I never had to suffer through IF if I would feel the same way. I try not to worry and think of all the bad things that can happen and I find it very difficult to do. The last two days, after I pull out my crinone suppository, I noticed pinkish blood on the applicator....it is really a small amount but of course I was worried. This happened last weekend also which caused me lots of panic so I had to call the doctor. He said that 30%-40% of their patients bleed during pregnancy and mine might just be an irritation of the cervix due to the crinone--of course this didn't stop me from following up with Dr. Google and I did find information that backs up his theory. So at my appointment this morning(since the same thing was happening again) for my blood draw, I spoke to the nurse and she said the same thing. (P.S. I was afraid to write about this because I was thinking that if I acknowledge it happening, I might actually start bleeding and not just this small smearing on my suppositories).

Then to top it all of...I am suffering from a really bad cold and sore throat!! Argh! And again, since I am an IF patient and very paranoid, I am afraid to take any medication because in my super paranoid mind, I am thinking that I might miscarry if I take any medication that is not necessary. So instead, I suffer and whine--I am out of control!

In the meantime, I try to find P signs to ease my mind. Once in a while I catch myself touching my tatas to make sure that they are still sore--which they are, but honestly I thought it was going to be 2x or 3x as sore. Once or twice this weekend, I thought I felt nauseated, but I think this was due to my cold/sore throat...so who knows. Oh and I have lots and lots of gas!! Lovely..

Unfortunately, I don't think that even if these things I am worrying about right now goes away, I will relax, instead, I will just find another thing to worry about--I don't think the anxiety and worrying will go away until I take home a baby. So for now I will wait for the u/s on the 12th, I am pretty sure with much worry and anxiety.