Windy City Ice Cream

Today is a beautiful day in Chicago...sunny and temperature in the 60s. My girlfriend and I decided that we would treat ourselves to ice cream. After all it is the first beautiful day of spring! We were both oblivious to the fact that the wind was whipping at over 40 mph/hour!!! So we went to our merry way to McDonalds, got our soft cone, which by the way only has 150 calories!! As we were walking back to work the wind was at full force...it was one of those wind that makes you loose your balance. For those of you familiar with the windy city or visited this city and was fortunate to witness this once in a lifetime experience, you realize that there is an "art" in surviving in this type of wind....If the wind is whipping, a person needs to stop walking with your legs apart and arms out as if you are flying! this will keep your balance. Therefore, once we realize that the wind was taking over our lovely ice cream soiree, we got in position, "stand, legs apart, arms out..ice cream in hand"....all I was thinking about during this time was "please, please don't let the wind blow the ice cream to my face"....so far so good...We keep walking..more wind...more standing, legs apart, arms out...ice cream in hand...then as we were thinking we were safe all of a sudden....SPLAT....ice cream all over my girlfriend's coat!! Ice cream in the wind...not a good idea.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Oops!

I worked late last night...(long story, one of our analyst quit and a major project I trained him to do just boomerang backed to me! Yikes!) I work in the finance department of an investment company. I manage the planning and budgeting group so I get the lovely job of telling people that they are spending over their budget or that they need to cut their spending...Not always fun! Anyway, I was so busy that I didn't have the time to check the blogs of all the wonderful woman and was just really focused on my work.

I went home late....made dinner for me and S and watched American Idol on TIVO...yes I am a huge AI fan...sometimes I am embarrassed to admit it, S gives me a hard time about it all the time. Got ready for bed, knitted for a little bit and dozed off to sleep. Then all of a sudden around 2 am I woke up and felt really strange....I thought something is missing here....and I couldn't figure it out...then after a few minutes...BAM...I realized I totally forgot to take my progesterone supplements(Crinone)!!! This is so unlike me....I am so paranoid about taking my meds to the point that I try to take them at the same time each day. Needless to say, I had to get up and do the lovely ritual. I am not a big fan of the supplements....actually I hate it...I would rather do the injections than do the supplements. For those of you who are familiar with this drug you probably understand why I dislike it so much...it's messy, it's icky....yuck! Anyway, I thought..maybe this is good that IF was not on my mind at all yesterday...I was focusing on something else and for a little bit I felt normal and it felt good! :)

And the waiting begins

Today is 3 dpo...so the 2ww begins. Sometimes I think the waiting is worst than the 2 weeks of meds....during this time you have lots of hope but at the same time you don't want to be so optimistic just in case it doesn't work out.

The insemination was pretty uneventful. S had his "best performance"...at least according to him. During the 2 days we got inseminated, the first day his little guys performance was 53m and 90% motility, day 2 was even better, he had 76m and 89% motility. Needless to say he was very proud of himself and couldn't stop bragging about it. So hopefully with those counts and my 3 eggs, we will get our miracle this cycle.

On a sad note...one of my really good friends suffered a miscarriage last week. My heart goes out to them...they just started telling people they were pregnant 3 weeks ago..she was 15w along. They were one of those couples who took a really long time to get pregnant with their 1st baby (18 months) so they started trying right away with the second baby..and they were successful, they got pregnant the first month. I know that they will get thru this, but it won't be easy.

Ready, Set, Go....

So I went for another u/s and blood work today...here are the stats:

Estrogen-1,271(wow..off the charts for me!)
Rt ovary-1 lead follicle at 15 and 6 others under 12
Lt ovary-2 lead follicle one at 17 and the other at 17.5, and 5 others under 12

So according to my favorite nurse...we will probably have 3 eggs ovulate. That makes me really excited...that is 200% better than the last 2 cycles. So the trigger shot is tonight....and then we go for IUI tomorrow morning and Friday morning. I decided to take the days off for the IUI...I figured I should try to take it as easy as possible as this is our last IUI and I will do anything for it to work. Please let this work!

On another note...Spring officially started last Monday...but if you live in Chicago, you have to accept the fact that we don't have a spring. The temperature is still really cold...(low 20's in the morning and the high is in the 30's). If we are lucky we will probably get 1 or 2 days of 70 degree days then...BAM.....it's 90 and humid!!!! I love this city, but how I wish we had better weather. Anyway, I was just thinking of spring and realized that another season passed AGAIN...and still no pregnancy to celebrate about.

Update-IUI #3

We had our routine ultrasound this morning and so far everything looks good. Here are the stats:

Estrogen- 489
Rt Ovary- 5 follicles with the biggest one at 12
Lf Ovary- 6 follicles with the biggest one at 14

I was a little afraid this morning when I saw all the follicles, I was afraid that I had too many and they will tell me that we will have to cancel this cycle...I guess based on my previous experience, they don't all mature so having 11 of them right now is nothing to be worried about...I hope. It is amazing what a little extra medication can do to those ovaries! So I guess we are on our way. Yeah! for us. I am really crossing my fingers that this cycle works. I want it to work so bad, this is our last round of IUI...next stop is IVF, so if we can avoid IVF that would be fantastic. This is the best I've ever responded to meds. The first 2 times we did IUI I only produced 1 mature follicle...I had a couple of small ones, but they never caught up to the lead follicle. So the fact that I have 11 this time, I would sure hope that a couple of these guys will mature. Let's hope that this cycle doesn't get cancelled. Please...pretty...pretty...please

Job Security

My S (my DH) was downsized from his company in November of last year. He is still looking for a job right now and it's been very difficult for him. He is in the banking industry and it can be a very volatile industry....one year you are up and the next year you can go down so quickly. S is very smart...went to a top university for both MBA school and undergrad. He is a workaholic...works about 70-80 hours a week and really puts all his energy into his work. Needless to say, being out of work is very hard for him. His job is such a big part of his ego and manhood and he feels that without a job he is worthless. I know this are normal feelings for someone who is out of a job, but it kills me to see him go through it and I know I can't fix it.

So everyday he is plugging along, calling contacts in hopes that someone is looking for some good talent. I have to say he's had some good conversation with people but nothing is concrete at this point. Yesterday he had a call with a company in Boston that he really wants to work for...they were really impressed with him, but they think he is "too heavy"....just to be silly, I wanted to ask if "heavy" meant weight or experience....I figured I should put humor into this as much as I can!!

I hope he finds a job soon.....a job that he loves and a place that he can be happy at.

This has been a very difficult year for us so far....dealing with the job loss and the IF.......we keep telling each other that with everything going on with us there is no way but up and I have to keep believing that... :)

Everyone is pregnant except me

I just found out that another girlfriend from college is pregnant yesterday...that makes 8 of my girlfriends are pregnant...and these are all really good friends...I am very depressed and I find myself being very jealous. I don't like myself when I feel like this... I am very happy for them but really sad for me. Is this normal?


Some good news....it looks like my aunt is getting out of the hospital tomorrow or Friday. The heart surgery went really well. She was really tired and was in the ICU for 2 days but they transferred her to a regular room on Monday. I am glad she is doing well and she just gets better everyday. I stop by the hospital last night and she looked really good...she is already starting to walk! That is amazing. I hope the rest of her recovery goes well.

And another round....

Well, I had my baseline today. I start taking gonal-f this evening...a new cycle starts all over again. I was just telling my husband on the way to the doctor's office today that this is our 16th visit to our clinic since we started our treatments....he looked at me and asked "I can't believe you are keeping track"...I couldn't believe it either. But I guess once you have the process down, it is pretty easy to figure out how many times you go to the clinic for every IUI cycle. So, I go back on Friday to see how the little guys are doing. We are increasing my dosage of gonal-F to 150 units for the first three days....maybe this will make a difference. I haven't told anyone this, but I really want this to work this time. I am scared to start IVF..but I guess this is normal.

Beta is.....

Negative :( I kind of knew since I started spotting last night. So we are off to one more IUI and if that doesn't work we are doing IVF in May. I'm scared.

Why is it so hard to understand?

I found the following article/write up in another blog and I had to copy it and put it in my blog. It really hits close to home. The other day I was talking to my mom and she doesn't understand what we are going through...the sad thing is that I don't get any support from my family about this entire journey. She told me the other day that I just have to accept that some people are just not meant to have children and it is God's will. I cried and cried she doesn't understand why I was so upset. I realized that I can't share this journey with them since I get hurt by the things that they say...I hope someday they will understand the struggles of infertility.

The ironic thing is that my mom is arriving tomorrow and she is staying with us for about 2 1/2 weeks. Her sister is having heart surgery and wants to be here for that. We will probably be cycling during the time that she is here (I go for my beta test tomorrow) and I have to use every single ounce of my energy to try and stay positive about the next cycle and not get upset about my mother and how she feels about this journey.

Again, thanks for the person who shared this "article" in their blog....reading it made me feel good.



What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?”

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me."

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?"

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. "

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down."

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known."

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

The waiting game

This is my first post...so I want to make is short. We are in our second cycle of IUI this month and I am on my 2ww wait. I go in on Thursday for my beta test...and I am really scared. Mainly because deep in my heart I have this feeling that this cycle didn't work....we only had 1 follicle...I know all you need is one but I guess I am just not very hopeful. My husband always tells me that I always look at the glass half empty...I guess he is right....