We are clear for take off!

I went to go for my blood work and u/s this morning. Favorite nurse just called me to tell me that everything looks good and to go ahead and start stims on Sunday. I guess it is time to say that IVF #1 is officially under way. This is kind of weird, but I am a little excited...maybe because there is this little feeling inside me that thinks that this might work.

Two things happened at the clinic today that was a little weird. First of all, the clinic staff knows me personally at this point. As I was checking out this morning, Smiley Receptionist was helping someone else, so she looked up and said "hold on MoMo, I will be right with you". Whoa! I was thinking, how did you know my name? I was shocked, and I thought to myself, this is a sign that I've been going to this clinic way too long.

Second, the couple that Smiley Receptionist was helping out is an old colleague of mine(the DH, let's call him Mr. Accountant). I kept looking at him and I wasn't sure if he remembered me, it's been 6 years since we last saw each other and neither one was married.. I was waiting for a reaction, he didn't say anything so I just left and I was thinking that maybe it wasn't the same guy. I went to work and didn't think about it anymore. Then I get a phone call and it was Mr. Accountant(he remembered where I work and called the switch board...very impressive Mr. Accountant!) and I was so glad he called. We talked and I found out that they have been trying for 2 years and this was their first time at my clinic. They were also seeing Dr. K. I was really happy to see him, but I wished we crossed paths somewhere else other than the clinic. You never wish this on anyone, especially someone that you know.

I have to tag along

Well, I am pretty sure you are all aware of all the "tagging" going on. The lovely Mary Ellen and Steve and Nikole tagged me. Since I believe in Karma and I feel that I should do everything in my power to get positive karma points, I figured I should play along and prevent any negative karma on my way.

So here it goes:

1. I have an Irish name, but I am not Irish...let us just say I am not even from the same continent. My parents saw the name from a baby book and loved it.
2. No one in my family shares the same time zone: We lived in Chicago, my sister lives in Charleston (1 hr ahead of us), my parents live in Hawaii (4 hours behind) and my brother is in Japan, he is in the air force and is currently stationed in Japan(14 hours ahead of us).
3. I can't swim which is a tragedy considering I was born on an island(and no, it is not Hawaii) and lived there for a good part of my childhood, then I moved to California. I went to college right by the ocean, I had ocean views in my dorm room and my college was known for good surfing! And I CAN'T SWIM.
4. S and I worked for the same company but we didn't meet at work, instead we met on the elevated train(as oppose to the subway, we don't have those in Chicago). It was raining that day and S came by to share his umbrella with me after we got off the train.
5. I can't sleep with any doors and drawers open. If S leaves one of those open, I have to get up and shut it before I can go to sleep. Don't know why this is the case.
6. S and I share a bi-partisan household. Can you guess who is the democrat?
   
   Just like Sube, almost all of the people in my blogroll has been tagged, the only ones left are Chee Chee and April and I don't think it is fair to make them do it since I need to come up with 6 names. So I will also let this chain die gracefully. But I am hoping that since I did list my 6 things no bad karma will come my way.
   
   

Sleepless nights

So, I have been pretty restless since we met with Dr. K, which was over 2 weeks ago. I haven't been sleeping well lately, for the past two weeks I've been getting up a couple of times a night. Last night was the worst, I was up every hour. I am pretty sure it is related to the IVF cycle. I worry about a lot of things. I won't produce any egg, none will fertilize, there will be no good sperms, OHSS (especially since my doctor is so aggressive), and then there is the job factor for S (which is actually picking up, but I don't want to blog about it yet, because I might jinx it!)etc. I know this is normal, to worry, but it is affecting my sleep.

Normally if I can't sleep, I just drink a few glasses of wine...but of course as we all know, drinking is not even an option right now. So what is a girl do to? Any suggestion ladies? I would do anything to sleep. It is definitely not helping my production, I get very tired at work so it affects my work which is not good. I would like to say that this is a side effects of the Lupron but I don't think so since this started nights before Lupron.

I got all my drugs delivered this weekend. Holy cow! I knew it was going to be a lot, but was I overwhelmed..Especially with the Menopur injection. They are as big as the PIO injections!! Yikes. We didn't get a lesson on injections, instead we were given a video to watch. I need to watch that video ASAP, that way I can start giving myself a pep talk about those big needles.

Thursday is our blood work and ultrasound...if all goes well we will be given the green light to start stims on Sunday. I am crossing my fingers that everything goes well.

Update: I watched the video and it looks like the big needle is not needed. I need to replace it with a small needle for the injection. The big needle comes with the syringe and it is not used for anything....well it is used for something..to scare you!!

Is it okay to disagree?

S and I are in a disagreement regarding one elective procedure for this IVF...
PGD(Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis) for those who don't know, this is a procedure to test for any genetic disorder from the embryo. He wants to do it and I don't. My feeling about this situation is that if we didn't have IF and we didn't have to do IVF, then this test is not even an option for us. His argument is that since it is available to us why don't we take advantage of it.

There are still many issues surrounding this test. First of all, it is not 100% accurate. I believe it is 90% accurate but there is a disclaimer that the test might be inaccurate. Secondly, we might not even have enough eggs to perform the test. So this might be a none issue. S doesn't really understand why I feel so strongly about not wanting to do this test..maybe because I feel like we are playing God and deciding if the embryo is "good" enough to be given a life. And if they do find abnormalities, can they tell the severity of it? I am very confused. I don't want S to think that I am not considering his feelings about this, especially after he's given me all the support and love that I need in this process.

On another note, I rode the elevator with a girlfriend from work yesterday on our way home. She works part-time to be with her toddler. She is taking a few days off from work the next couple of weeks so I told her to enjoy her vacation. Her response was "oh, it's not a vacation, I am taking care of my baby, working is so much easier". This comment irritated me to no end. I've heard this from working moms in the past and before we had problems I didn't really think anything of it. But now, all I want to say to these women is that you are so lucky to have this child, you have no idea how many women would die for this opportunity.

***I guess the link didn't work so here is the website http://www.embryogenetics.com/

Let the fun begin

I had my nurse consult today for the upcoming IVF in May. I was really overwhelmed with all the information and the amount of drugs involved with IVF, it's amazing I came out in one piece! Since we are now in the big league, the venue of our treatments changes too. We had to drive 30 miles outside the city for our appointment. Luckily, we can still do all of our monitoring at our regular clinic that is only 3 miles away from home! Whew! But any weekends monitoring and the retrieval and transfer will be done at the "big outside the city facility".

So here is the plan:
Lupron shots starts tomorrow night
I stop bcp on Saturday, the 22nd
I go for blood and u/s on the 27th
If everything checks out then we start stims of gonal F and Menopur on the 30th
I go back for blood and u/s on the 4th and I will be given the next sets of instructions then.

My husband asked about the PIO shots and according to favorite nurse, after the retrieval we get a lesson on the PIO shots. They actually marked the women's butt on where the shots needs to be given...this way the husband won't get intimidated. I thought this was pretty funny. Does any of your clinics/doctors do the same thing?

I am very anxious and still very hopeful. I think S is really worried about the side effects of the drugs...he keeps asking the nurse if there is anything he can do to make the next 3 weeks as easy for me as possible. The nurse thinks it's sweet, I think it is trying to figure out my mood swings and how he can stay out of trouble! He! He!

Feeling Hopeful

The big consult went really well today. I feel very hopeful and a little excited about the upcoming IVF cycle. The IVF series is between May 11th to the 18th. I have my consult with the nurse on Tuesday and I will find out more about my schedule.

I asked Dr. K all of my questions I posted so I figured, I should share some of his answers...

1. What are the possible reasons that the IUIs failed? I am pretty sure he thought this was a dumb question, but he answered it. He said there are lots of reasons (uterine lining, no eggs even though I had good follicles, etc) and there is no way that we will find out what really happened.
2. What is a good number of follicles produce? 10-20
3. What % of fertilization do you want to see? 70%(see next question why so high)
4. When do you decide to do ICSI? All of the IVF cycle done in my clinic is done with ICSI. They feel that by doing everything by ICSI it eliminates the unknown variable about the male. I know some of you think that this is pretty aggressive, but in Illinois, it is a mandate that insurance pays for 4 IVF cycles, and so I think clinics have more freedom. We are very fortunate.
5. Is it a possibility that no eggs will fertilize? None issue since they do all ICSI...he's seen it happen before, but it is not very common.
6. Should S get tested again? Again, none issue since they do ICSI. If no fertilization on the first cycle, then we will discuss this further.
7. How many embryos will be transferred? 2 or 3
8. Day 3 or 5 transfer? He prefers 5 but if depends on how the embryos are doing.
9. How much bed rest is required? One day for the retrieval and 48 hrs for the transfer
10. Is IVF the same as clomid and IUI, does the success rate plateaus after x amount of attempts? No
11. What is the success rate of IVF for my age group in your clinic. 50%. 70% of their clients get pregnant after the 2nd IVF cycle. I thought this was really good. He mentioned that a lot of his clients have done about 2 cycles of IVF at another clinic before they come to see him.

We also talked about the risk to the baby and myself and he talked about the risk of miscarriages and this is not bec. of the IVF, but bec. of age. The average age of mothers giving birth is 27, so at 34 the odds of a miscarriage is higher. Premature birth is common to multiples but again, that is common even if multiples wasn't conceived thru IVF.

I felt really good after talking to him. I don't know if it is because he sounded so optimistic or the % sounded so good. But for now I will let myself enjoy this moment, feeling hopeful that maybe this will actually work.

BCP...no side effects...so far

I am not sure I want to say this because it might just come back and bit me but so far I have no side effects from the bcp....which I am really grateful about. I remember the first time I took bcp year ago, I had some really side bad effects. I was kind of worried this time around since I haven't taken them in almost 2 years that all of that stuff is going to come back. So I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that this will continue.

My mom called last night to check up on me...she thought the beta test was on Sunday. I think she is starting to come around. She asked how I was doing, I said I was okay. She asked what we are doing next, I said IVF in mid May. She offered to fly out during that time (they live in Hawaii...I know we are very lucky) and I said it was okay, S was going to be here and I would appreciate it if they keep us in their thoughts and prayers. After our conversation, I felt really good, I think she is really trying to understand and that is all I can ask from her right now.

So the big consult is this Thursday. I am anxious to find out what is the protocol. I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. You guys are amazing and wonderful! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU. I can't even start to tell you guys how much strength and energy you guys give me from all of your encouraging comments. I am very lucky to have found all of you!

A Whole New Ballgame

It is confirmed, beta is negative, aunt flo visited with full force yesterday.

I am trying to process what just happened and what is about to happen...IVF. I cried a lot for different reasons the past two days...sadness, disappointment, fear...etc. I am afraid that IVF is the last stop, if this doesn't work for us, then what?

So I am scheduled for a baseline tomorrow morning then I start bcp. I meet with Dr. K (our RE) on Thursday to talk about the protocol for the IVF cycle in May. S will go in for a blood test the same day, which I know he will just be thrilled about. Then on Friday I go in for my saline test(SSH), which this is the first time I've heard of this test. According to favorite nurse, the saline test checks the uterine cavity. Oh joy!

So there it is...we are on our way to IVF kingdom. I am scared and I tell S this everyday. I think that this is different from all the other treatments, because the embryos to me represents life, therefore it will feel like I am a little pregnant right after the transfer. I think the failure of success will be a lot more devastating, and I can't even start to imagine that.

The last couple of days, I've been putting together a list of questions to ask Dr. K for our meeting next Thursday. I wanted to post my list and I was hoping that all you wonderful women out there would help me and add any additional questions that you think I need to ask prior to our meeting:

1. What are the possible reasons that the IUIs failed?
2. What is a good number of follicles produce for an IVF?
3. What % of fertilization do you want to see? Half of the eggs retrieved?
4. When do you decide to do ICSI?
5. Day 3 or 5 transfer? Which is better?
6. What are the different grade levels of eggs?
7. How much bed rest is required?
8. If I don't get pregnant with this cycle, when can we try again?
9. Is IVF the same as clomid or IUI, does the success rate plateaus after x amount of attempts?

These are my questions so far...any suggestions additions will be greatly appreciated.

Denial

I am in denial...I just went to the bathroom and guess what???? Yes....I am spotting!!! Argh! I am so mad I can't even cry...why did this not happen yesterday so that I could have called favorite nurse to tell her and then maybe I don't have to go for my beta test tomorrow and do the drill even know I already know the outcome! I was so hopeful about this cycle too. We had such good outcome...nice count of follicles and S had nice numbers.....I think I am going to cry.....

Dinner with Friends

Saturday night S and I went out to dinner with his friends from grad school. I've known about this dinner and I have been dreaded it since all of these couples have babies/toddlers and 2 out of the 4 are pregnant again with their second child...so I knew that the conversation was going to be about kids/babies/pregnancies.

Well it was worst than I thought. First of all, S friends were harassing him or joking around about him not having a job. The jokes were pretty low and I felt so sorry for S. I looked at him a couple of times and he was just smiling and joking right along with them. I on the other hand wanted to cry...I just wanted to give him a hug and let him know that it is okay and that we will get thru this. It makes me mad since they have no idea how hard it's been for him lately.

And then of course the conversation turned to the kids and if they are eating solid food now, and how they are getting up earlier since it is so sunny and bright earlier now that winter is over, if they are walking, their first words, etc. S knew that this was going to be very difficult for me....all of a sudden, as the conversation was going on, I felt his hand reach for my hand under the table and he held it and squeezed it the entire time. At one point I looked at him and he winked at me and smiled. I love him...I love him for loving me.....he is so selfless, he didn't focus on his friends making fun of him, all he wanted was for me to be comfortable and let me know that he is there for me and he will hold my hand to get thru this journey.

So Wednesday is beta day. I am playing with the idea of taking a pregnancy test at home. The last time I took a pregnancy test was my last month on clomid before I started seeing my RE. My IUI instructions book specifically states that I should not take a HPT before the 16th day of my cycle due to the HCG. A part of me wants to take the test so that I don't' have to sit in my cube on Wednesday and wait for my nurse to call with the result. If it is negative I will be devastated and I know I will cry in my cube, which I want to avoid since we get no privacy around here. I guess what is the worst that can happen:

The test is negative...I can cry in my own home and I will be able to pull my self together before I go to work
The test is false positive due to the HCG...I will be cautiously happy
The test is positive...but how will I know that it is positive and not false positive?

I guess this is why they tell you not to test until the 16th day.

This waiting is killing me...