Various Ramblings

It was so nice to see B!!! S kept him past his normal bed time to give me a chance to see him-that was really nice! When I first saw him he just stared at me...maybe wondering where I've been all this time. S brushed his hair-which is pretty hilarious since he doesn't have much-but for some reason he looked like he had more hair by doing this!!! Once I saw him the flood gates opened and I just started crying! It was hard not seeing him, but I think all that dumb hormones I am injecting myself had a lot to do with the crying!!! I am so glad to be home and be back in some type of normal life.

Overall B did really well while I was gone. I think it really helped that my parents were here!! B's originally due date is only 2 days away-February 1st. I can't believe how far ago that seems. He is doing really well. When I took him to his 1 yr appointment he weighed 22 lbs 6oz-he is now in the 50th percentile for his age group--pretty good considering he was only 5 lbs 15 oz when he was born! He is 30.5 inches long-I think she said this was on the 75th percentile.

B is babbling a lot--but he is no where near saying mama...sigh. I try everyday and nothing. I guess I just have to be more patient. He is still crawling a lot--no sign of walking yet. Although I think he is getting more self confidence in letting go of the furniture. He tries to stand up on his own for a few seconds-which is I think fantastic and getting him closer to walking. He loves to eat!!! He pretty much eats all of our food-which is good and bad. Good because I can stop buying baby food-bad because now I really need to make the effort to cook something for us to eat!! The other day we wanted to order Indian food and we realized that this might not be a good option for B!

Now on the IVF front-one more week before beta. I would say I am calm as a cucumber, but that would be lying. Yes, time is not creeping by slowly like last time so I am thankful for that. I forgot to mention that this time around I don't have to do the PIO shot!!!! Woo-hoo!!! They have this new drug called endo.met.rin. that is a va.jay.jay tablet insert. I used it 3x a day. I read that this is a new FDA approved drug that replaces the PIO shot. In addition to that I am also using vi.vi.lle dot, which is really a patch. I put 2 of patches every 2 days.

This morning S and were talking and I was re-telling him the conversation I had with the embryologist the day of our transfer. When the embryologist mentioned that we had really really good quality embryos I started thinking about twins. Don't get me wrong, we would love twins, but it will definitely make our lives very complicated and challenging. Forget the fact that I will probably will have to quit my job-3 kids in daycare or with a nanny will be super super expensive. Then on top of that we will probably have to watch me for pre-term labor since B was born premature. Anyway, the embryologist asked if I would prefer to transfer 1 and I thought about it for a second and I said no, let's go with 2. When S found this out he almost flipped out. First of all, he claims that he didn't realized that we had an options!! Okay, lame excuse..like he didn't know. And secondly he mentioned that it would have been nice if he was part of the decision making. I reminded him that we already made the decision that we were going to transfer 2 way before this and it shouldn't make a difference!!! We made the decision together that I was going to go to the transfer by myself so that he can be with B-so his claim that it was not fair that I did not included him in the decision making is lame again!! The decision was made even before we did the retrieval!! And after what I went thru with the pain and being sick with this IVF, why would I take the chance and only transfer 1? I am hoping that this is it and we won't have to do it again so I will do everything in my power that make that happen. Sigh...men...

Transfer Update

Just a quick post...yesterday we transferred 2 beautiful embryos. It was graded 4A-which is the highest grading in my clinic according to our embryologist. He mentioned that the 2 embryos were better quality than when we did the IVF with B-at that time our grading was 3B. Who knows...I am hopefully, but I know that good embryo quality doesn't guarantee pregnancy. In addition to the 2 that they transferred, they were able to freeze 3 additional embryos and they were going to watch 2 embryos that were still growing-I received a call this morning that the other 2 are not going to be frozen-oh well, I was sad, but hopefully we won't need them. One of the 8 embryos stop growing.

I am flying out this afternoon and I can't wait to see B and S..it's been a really long week. Thank you for all the support ladies. February 6 is beta day!

Day 5, Webcam and a little scare

We made it to day 5!! Woo-hoo. We are scheduled for a day 5 transfer tomorrow so I think it is a good sign. I am not sure how many of the 8 embryos are left, but I am hoping that majority of them are still growing.

Today marks 6 days that I haven't seen B...it hasn't been easy. Thank god for webcams!!! I've been able to watch him over webcam at least once a day. This is my new favorite invention!!! I don't know how I would have survived this week without it. Granted B probably had no idea what was going on, or why mommy was in this little screen...but it was such a treat to see him everyday-even though it was only for a few minutes.

Now for the scare. As I wrote on Tuesday, I was in a lot of pain...well, it was VERY PAINFUL to the point that I couldn't even walk or stand up. I left work early and once I was at my cousin's house I was pretty useless. After a few hours, I decided to take my temperature since I was just feeling so horrible. Well, guess what, I had a low fever, 100.1. My discharge sheet instructed to us to call the doctor if we have any of the symptoms the listed-and one of them was severe pelvic pain(which I had) and fever of 100.9 or higher-my fever wasn't as high, but since I had the pelvic pain I decided to page the doctor. Dr. K called me back and he explained that it is normal to have pelvic pain b/c of the procedure and that the fever is okay as long as it doesn't keep going up. He suggested that if I can tolerate it, to stay put and not go to the ER since they don't know what is going on and they will do a bunch of unnecessary tests. If my fever spikes up by the next day I was instructed to go to the clinic early in the morning. So followed his instructions, my fever keep going up, by 11 pm it was up to 102.3!! I was so afraid that I caught an infection and I started to feel some self pity. S already left, I was by myself and here I am developing an infection. I felt like I was being punished for wanting another child and I am greedy and this is what I deserved! I felt so helpless and all I could do was cry. I called S and I said I was really scared-what if I get worst, blah, blah, blah. He was really sweet and tried to comfort me and asked me if I wanted him to fly out-I said that is crazy and not to worry-hopefully everything will be okay by tomorrow. I tried to sleep-but I was in too much pain to sleep-it felt like someone took a needle and they were poking my ovaries. It was horrible. Luckily my fever broke early the next morning-the pelvic pain was still there but it wasn't as severe. I decided not to go to work that day and just take it easy. That was the best decision!

I feel much better now. I still wonder if we were pushing the envelope by wanting to try again, but I know it is just bad luck and at the end of the day I am okay. After all this, I was angry all over again about being infertile and that things are always complicated. I have so much I want to say about this subject, but I can't seem to put in down in words or write a coherent sentence about it. Maybe because I am so angry or nothing I say will change anything. For now I glad that things worked out and in 2 days I will get to see B again.

8 is a good number

Pretty good....better than last time. Last time we had 12 eggs, 5 immature and 7 fertilized. Compared to last time, this is pretty good improvement! Out of the 11, 8 were mature and they all fertilized over night. The clinic will call me again tomorrow to give me a tentative time for transfer on Thursday-then Thursday morning I will call to find out if we are getting pushed back to a 5 day transfer. Keeping my fingers cross.

Electriclady asked if I gave myself a sub-q or IM-it was a sub-q-two of them. I was instructed to take the injections at 7 pm and our flight landed at 7:25. I sat by the window and I made S lean over so that I was sort of hidden from everyone. I was afraid that they flight attendant would walk by and make me put them all away and stow away my tray table!! So I did it really quickly.

I am very sore today and can barely function. I am in the Chi.ca.go office and I can't wait to leave so that I can just curl up on the couch and rest. Oh well...I guess i should take a few more ty.le.nol.

11

Just got back from the retrieval and they retrieved 11 eggs. We have to wait until tomorrow to get a fertilization report...let's hope for at least half. Last time they retrieved 12 eggs and 7 fertilized. So I am hoping to get a similar results.

I am feeling a little sore--and I think this was pretty similar to last time also. I am resting up the rest of the day--hopefully the soreness and cramping will go away sooner than later.

On Saturday I had to give my self my ovid.rel injections on the plane!!! I told S we hit an all time low. I gave myself the injection as the plane was starting to descend...never a dull moment.

Monday Retrieval

We are scheduled to have our retrieval for this Monday-which is what I suspected. As of this morning I have 19 measurable fol.lices-which really doesn't mean that much right now. We have to wait and see how many actually makes it and how many makes it to fertilization.

We are off to Chi.ca.go tomorrow evening. Sigh...if we make it to a day 5 transfer-that means we are looking at a Saturday transfer. I scheduled my return flight for Sunday afternoon. 8 days without B--SIGH.... :( S will be returning on Tuesday morning.

To make it worst--my parents went out for an errand today with B and someone rear ended them while they were sitting at a stop light!!! ARGH!! Everyone is fine-I took B to the doctor and he is fine but I can't believe I had to deal with this on top of everything else. The lady was talking on her cell phone and didn't realize that there was a stop light. Yeah..whatever...

Okay, ladies, wish us luck!! We really need it...thanks for all of your support!!!

Umm..a little afraid and need some help from you guys!

Went back for my blood and u/s today. I just received a call from the clinic and I am to STOP go.nal-F and continue with lu.pron and 1 powder of men.opur. Stopping go.nal-F makes me really wonder if I was over stimulated!!! Argh!! I have 5 more days left of stims(before the first day of retrieval) and my biggest follicle is measuring at 17.5!!!! I have 5 measurable follicles on my left and 8 on my right ranging from 17.5 to 8. I know I said I wasn't going to obsess with numbers, obviously that lasted all of 24 hours!! I have to go back again tomorrow for more monitoring.

Here is where I need your help--how many of you guys went on bed rest after the transfer? My doctor recommends 2 days of bed rest after transfer, which of course I did with B-but this time, I am not sure what to do. I want to get back home right away-and I figured how physical is flying anyway? I know some doctors don't recommend bed rest and they just tell you to take it easy. I just want to know what each of you did--maybe this will help me make a decision.

Things I've learned

Yes, surprisingly I actually learned something from this process-okay I learned a lot. One of the major things I realized is that you can only do your best and you have no control over what the outcome of this entire process will be. You follow your doctor's orders, take the medication and give yourself the injections, at the end of the day you are still powerless. I know this sound very depressing, but it is a reality that I've come to accept.

I went for my blood work and u/s today. I have to admit that having a doctor do my follicle count was nice-he seems like he was more thorough than the technicians I am accustomed to. It was very nice to get all that extra attention. Here is where my lesson comes in. Dr. W(the doctor here) informed me that I have about 15 follicles on left ovaries and 6-7 on the right. Sounds promising right? But the last time I did this, I had a follicle count of 22 and ended up with 7 fertilized. I remember being very upset at that time-thinking that my body failed me. But the reality is that numbers are good, but it doesn't mean that they are all viable. I am okay with that-I am just wishing for a good number-7 would be good again-enough to transfer and possibly freeze. But again, that is looking way too far ahead.

Per favorite nurse, I am decreasing gonal F to 75 units and I am down to 1 menopur powder starting tonight. I have to go back for blood work and u/s tomorrow. (a little voice in my head is afraid that I am over stimulated--yes I said I learned something doesn't seem I am no longer afraid...)

I haven't talked about the logistics of this cycle. I went through so many different scenarios in my head to figure out how to make this work. First we were going to take B with us and have a family friend watch him while S and I go for the transfer. After the transfer S and B will fly back home-since S needs to go back to work and we have our nanny to watch B at home. I will stay in Chi.ca.go until after the transfer. Second option is for us to take our nanny this way we don't have to worry about B and she can help S fly back with B. Another option would have been for B to stay with me in Chi.ca.go.--but this is too complicated since I need someone to watch him during the transfer and I was planning on working between the retrieval and transfer.

Luckily, as of last week, my parents decided to stay with us until the 25ht(they are with us visiting). With this new development, we decided to leave B behind and S will fly back right after the retrieval. We are hoping to do our retrieval the first few days of the series this way he can get back before they leave. If our retrieval is late...we are back to the options above--crossing my fingers that this will not be the case.

So easy right, big problem solve-well, I am very very depress that I won't see B for about 8-10 days!!!! I started crying the other night just thinking about this. I know he is in good hands and he will be okay, but I've never been away from him overnight! And 10 days is a long time. I know I could have picked a clinic out here and we won't have to deal with this, but right now this is the best option for our family. And I also know it is a small sacrifice for us as we try and expand our family, but none of these reasons is making this situation any easier. Any suggestions on how to make this easier for me? I know B will just be fine-he might look for mommy-especially at night-but I think this will be harder for me than B.

Fear and Guilt-what a combination!

So finally it hit me yesterday--I am pretty darn scared about this cycle!! When we first decided to go for IVF for a second time, I have to admit I was a little too confident. It worked once so what is there to worry about-right? WRONG! Okay maybe the first few weeks I was a little too confident-but as I am at the eve of starting my stims I thought I was going to have a breakdown yesterday. I started thinking about the chances of success and I just felt fear taking over my body!! All of a sudden, I couldn't breath and all I could think about was all the what ifs-poor responder, no fertilization, no viable embryos, bfn! Of course I know all this and I am not new to this, but as expected you have the same emotions regardless if this is attempt #1 or #100. And after fear-anger takes over-again what's new. Why does it have to be so hard us-and all you ladies out there-why can't something be easy for once? Why? Why? Why? I know I can ask that question a million times and nothing will change. And one more thing-how long can I stay angry? I mean, I have a beautiful child-isn't that enough? As all of us said a thousand times before, IF will stay with us forever.

And then there is the guilt-guilt that I am not as focused with this IVF cycle as I was with my previous attempt. With B's cycle-I was obsessed with everything. I knew when and where I was doing my injections to the T. I had everything documented and I was on the phone with a nurse with the simplest question. With this one, I have to constantly remind myself, oh yeah, I have to do my lupron shot today or when was I suppose to take my last pill. I feel like I am not 100% committed to this cycle. And maybe this is a good thing-everyone told me the first time to relax but again with my obsession, I couldn't physically and mentally do it. Let's all be honest, having a child changes everything-I don't have the time to stare at all my drugs and organize them-I mean I am embarrassed to say that for the most part-other than the medication that needs to be refrigerated-the drugs are still in the original box that it was mailed in! Some of my friends told me that this is normal-you are just more relax with your second-(maybe if getting pregnant was easy-I might buy this theory)-and this is why second born children are more laid back. This feeling of guilt is making me uncomfortable-and more nervous. It just doesn't feel right.

I went for my baseline u/s this morning. It was very weird since it is not my clinic and I felt like an outsider. Everyone was very nice to me (nursed/receptionist etc) but for some reason I felt like the doctor gave me the cold shoulders. BTW, since this clinic is so small(1 doctor)-the doctor does all the u/s!!! This is a treat for me at my clinic I hardly saw my doctor. I met him 4 times-consult, retrieval, transfer and when we got discharged. I sort of understand why he wasn't very friendly, I am not his patient. Plus he is the only infertility doctor in this town so he might be wondering why I didn't even do a consult with him. So it feels really weird that he is doing my u/s and he is not super friendly. Oh well, nothing I can do about that.

Okay ladies, please wish me luck and send me some good vibes-god knows I need them. I start stims tomorrow night. My protocol is the same as the last time so hopefully there aren't any surprises.

Hmn....

Recent Go.gg.le search that directed to this blog-
"how to erase baby if u don't want to get pregnant"
What the f***?? One of my recent entries had "don't, want, pregnant" in the same post. Sigh...I don't even know what to say.

Happy Birthday B!!

I can't believe a year ago today I received the most special gift! When I woke up this morning I was trying to relive this day last year. It is so crazy to think that I had a baby a year ago today. Life is different, but in a really good way!

I can't put in words how much I love this child. When I wake up each morning all I want to do is to see him and smell his hair and kiss his hand and feet. I can't wait to see that big smile that is waiting for me when I open his door in the morning. I smile when I hear him make noises through the monitor each morning letting me know that he is awake and is ready to start his day.

B is such a wonderful boy(I know I am a little biased but I am the mom after all!) He loves to laugh and he smiles at everyone he sees. He loves to watch people and is very interested in everything that is going on around him. One lady told us that he brings out a smile on everyone-and I believe this!!! He is a very social baby-when we go to music class he crawls up to everyone and sits on their lap and plays with them!! Yes, like all toddlers he does have some meltdowns, but they are seldom and it doesn't last very long. He is a very happy and content child--what else can we ask for?

He is trying to communicate with us. He loves to babble and some words you can make up like-up, uh oh, opah(my mom believes he is saying op.rah),dada. He babbles in places where he shouldn't, like church. If you try to get him to keep quiet the more he babbles!! He is almost walking. He is trying to stand up without any support. He is cruising like crazy!! Oh and he discovered the stairs and it is his new favorite spot.

He loves to play with all his toys--he loves anything that plays music! I think he gets this from his dad who also loves music. He loves to play his drums and enjoys banging on everything he gets his hands on! He also has this weird obsession with remote controls, cell phones and blackberries!! He loves to ride around the house in his little toy plane and truck!!(yes we have those!!)

Happy 1st Birthday B! I wish you a wonderful life ahead and another year full of blessings, joy and adventure. I hope that you will grow up happy and healthy. I hope that your father and I are showing you a good example of how to live life to the fullest and how to appreciate things. Every day with you is a blessing and we are overwhelmed with love and happiness whenever we are around you.